Thursday, August 20, 2009

Lore: WOW's Story So Far (A Rick Knaak Joint)

Original Thread Here.

Stormwind and the Defias masons disagreed over payment. Led by Van Cleef and manipulated by Onyxia, the Defias kidnapped Varian.

Rhonin went to Westfall, killed Van Cleef in the Deadmines, and then stopped by Gnomeregan to set Thermaplugg on fire and save the Gnomes.

Then he went to Theramore, pushed Varian out of the way, just as Onyxia was about to deep-breath him, and pwned her face off. Krasus tanked the whelps.

To celebrate, Rhonin and Jaina Proudmoore totally hooked up.

Then Rhonin went down to Blackrock Depths, killed Emperor Dagram Thaurissan, and fathered the heir to the throne of Ironforge with the extremely grateful Moira Bronzebeard. But he wasn't done yet; the Dark Iron Dwarves were doing the bidding of Ragnaros the Firelord, so Rhonin went down to Molten Core and beat the crap out of everybody.

"TOO SOON," bellowed Ragnaros.

But Rhonin was all: "It's never too soon to party, Rhonin-style."

And then he beat Ragnaros to death with his own hammer, because Rhonin is the only Mage who ever had the mad skillz to train two-handed maces.

On the way out of Blackrock Mountain, Rhonin went to the spire and pwned Nefarian. He saved Vaelestrasz the Red, and the two did a celebratory chest-bump.

Rhonin took a vacation to Zul'Gurub and strangled Hakkar the God of Blood with his bare hands. Now the trolls there worship Rhonin.

About this time, something started to stir behind the gate of shifting sands in Silithus, so Rhonin rolled in there, riding on a giant bug for some reason, and started pwning everything.

And C'thun was all: "I'm gonna eat you."

But Rhonin was like: "Nuh-uh."

And then all the raptors and devilsaurs in Un'Goro came and ate C'thun's face off, because they're friends with Rhonin.

Then the dark portal opened, and Rhonin was the only one who went through. He went to Shattrath and met A'dal, a being of pure light and infinite power. Rhonin and A'dal totally hooked up. Then Rhonin came back to Azeroth and went to Karazhan where he climbed to the top and met Prince Malchezzar of the Eredar.

And Malchezzar goes: "You face not Malchezzar alone, but the legions I command."

But Rhonin was all: "I'll beat you up in front of all ur doods."

And he did.

Rhonin went back to Zangarmarsh, where the Naga were doing something in a lake. But they stopped when Lady Vashjj saw how hot Rhonin was looking in his purple Kirin Tor robe, with his flowing hair like crimson fire. So the two of them totally got it on.

Then Rhonin invented flying weapons and beat up Kael'Thas with them.

Illidan showed up, and Maiev was all like: "It is my charge to stop him."

But Rhonin goes: "Chill, Baby, I taught this guy everything he knows."

"The student has become the master," said Illidan. "You are not prepared."

"Yes I am," Rhonin said. And he punched his fist straight through Illidan's chest.

"I taught you everything you know, but I didn't teach you everything I know," Rhonin said, putting on a pair of totally awesome sunglasses.

Illidan watched helplessly as Rhonin ate his still-beating heart like an apple.

Then Rhonin and Maiev hooked up.

On the way to Northrend, Rhonin shoved KilJaeden back into the Sunwell, and was named King of the Blood Elves.

When Rhonin got to Borean Tundra, Malygos was there, and he said "I am very angry because you're way better than me at magic. So I brought all my blue dragons to beat you up."

"Oh yeah?" Rhonin said. "Well, I am going to bring my whole city of Dalaran to back me up." And he made it fly, because that is how Rhonin rolls.

But he beat up Malygos all by himself anyway

Then he had an arm wrestling contest with Kel-Thuzad, and won.

After that, Rhonin was kind of bored, so he went to Ulduar and hooked up with Auriaya and Freya at the same time. He also got the world-first Yogg+0 achievement.

And Algalon said: "I was going to destroy the entire world, but now I won't because you are so awesome, Rhonin."

And the two did a chest bump.

Then Rhonin decided it would be fun to build a coliseum. And that is the story so far.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tirion's Call Is Going Straight To Voice Mail

Original Thread Here:

Please Check out the CollegeHumor article as well:

The power of the Lich King is nearing its peak. If the living cannot align against him, all hope will be lost, and the Scourge will destroy all that is pure in Azeroth.

With precious time running short, Tirion Fordring, the leader of the Argent Crusade, sounds the call, to muster the forces of Light to Northrend, to join the Crusade in its final battle at the base of the foreboding Icecrown Citadel.

But not everyone will answer:

Hi. You've reached Lord Genn Greymane. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now. Things have been a little hairy around here lately.

If you are calling with regard to any solicitation, there is a reason we built that huge wall, but you may want to visit us in person during the full moon. We're usually available in the evenings. Around dinnertime.

If your call is related to our participation in the Alliance, we may be able to discuss the matter "soon." Otherwise, please leave a message.


High. You've reached Khadgar. I can't come to the phone right now, because I am really busy in Shattrath. Doing stuff. Important stuff. Lot's of irons in the fire. Seriously. Leave one, and I'll hit you back.


Hi. You've reached the Hydraxian Waterlords, your one-stop shop for all your rune dousing needs.

Here at the Hydraxian Waterlords, we are fully capable of wielding the inconceivable power of Neptulon the Tidehunter. But we choose to devote our attention to runes and dousing them, so you can enjoy the best in Aqual Quintessence. When you need runes doused, just tell your raid to wait while you fly out to Azshara.

For all inquiries regarding rune-dousing, please use our new automated support system. To continue in Darnassian, please press 1.


Kind greetings and salutations. You have reached the University of Ogri'La. If you are calling to inquire about our search for new faculty to lead our graduate program in advanced apexis crystal chemistry, please send your curriculum vitae and any relevant publications to Professor Grok, who is leading our search.

If you are calling with regard to "The Blade's Edge," our literary magazine, unfortunately, we're closed for submissions for the Fall issue. We thank all our contributors, and we urge everyone who didn't make it this time to resubmit for the Winter quarter.

If you are calling about Northrend, or any activities going on up there, WE NO UNDERSTAND. STINKY FART. HA HA. SMASH WITH CLUB.


Shiver Me Timbers! Ye've reached the Bloodsail Buccaneers!

For YARRRRR, please press 1.

For ARRRRRR, please press 2.

For WALK TEH PLANK, please press 3.

For anything else, please call back during normal business hours.


Massachusetts Law Enforcement: A 300 Year Tradition

National Article at Go there. Like it. Comment upon it.

Even where one is so fortunate, whether by circumstance or reputation, as to be held in pre-eminent standing amongst his fellowes, he may, nonetheless, be subjected to humiliation at the whim or caprice of the motherf*cking five-oh.
-from Poor Richard's Almanack

Monday, August 10, 2009

Eadric The Pure Has a Message For you

It's a very simple request.

Free Epics for Casuals

I have gotten really bored with hearing this. People are always whining about how Heroics shouldn't drop epics, badges shouldn't drop epics, PVP shouldn't sell epics, regular ToC shouldn't have epics.

This is completely infantile, because the idea of item quality has been completely meaningless for all purposes except determining vendor price and what an item will disenchant into.

The stat budget for an item is determined by item quality and item level. In the original design, the item level determined the character level that could use different items, and the plan was for each successive tier of raid loot to scale up by a degree of item quality.

But even before release, Blizzard decided to make all raid loot purple "epic" quality, and scale using the ilvl modifier rather than the item quality modifier.

There were some experiments with scaling the blues up higher in ZG and AQ 20, but once some blues were better than some epics, people got really confused, and Blizzard stopped doing it.

In the current system, there is a flat cap at ilvl 200, and there are no blue items above it. Blue items similarly capped at 115 in BC. There is no upgrade from a heroic/max level blue other than an epic, and designing things any other way makes itemization unnecessarily confusing.

However, each tier of epic upgrades improves the epic gear of the people who are on the cutting edge of content by a margin that is roughly equivalent to the difference between a heroic blue item and an entry level (Heroic/Regular TOC/Naxx 10) epic. The purple text is completely meaningless; the gap between somebody in heroic blues and somebody in BIS gear prior to the ulduar release is much smaller than the gap between somebody wearing ilvl 200 epics and somebody who is geared from regular mode Coliseum 25.

All these free "epic" loots merely signify an additional tier of progression for players who don't commit to the game beyond what is necessary to do 5 man instances. And this stuff is still an unprecedented 4 tiers below the cutting edge.

The Heroic TOC and badge loot also gives new players a shortcut into current tiers of content, which is crucial, because very few people were doing heroics and 10 man naxx before the badge change. It's logistically unfeasible to demand that new players gear up in content that nobody is using.

It is totally absurd to suggest that giving low-end players "epics" somehow cheapens anything (except maybe abyss shards, which were inflated in value relative to predecessor items).

Friday, August 7, 2009

Lich King Raps

Yo, Whatup, this is Arthas Menethil, tha Lich King, comin’ at ya’.
We got KT on the track today, and we got Nubby-B, traitor king of tha spiders.
This one’s going out to all the haters in the Horde and the Alliance.

Rhonin the Red-Haired, the chief Mary Sue,
We’ll all be disappointed if I don’t get to kill you.
You can use all your magic, I’ll throw much worse back
Ain’t nobody can save you, not even Rick Knaak.
I’ll Scourge you up, then I’ll turn you out.
Necropolis Dalaran is what I’m talkin’ about.

That’s right.

Yo, what up, Magni? I heard your daughter’s a slut.
That’s what Thaurissan told me ‘fore he busted his nut.
Bitch ain’t got self-respect, that bitch ain’t got no class,
He took her down to BRD and then he tapped that ass.
Now Moira’s sporting the bump, unless my lich eyes fail.
We’ll toast the new prince of Dwarves with Dark Iron Ale.

Yeah. You all know it be true.

Tirion Fordring, you’re facing the Lich King.
You got the Ashbringer. Is that all you can bring?
You think you’ll save the day, but here’s what I know:
You came all this way, just to die in the snow.
I got the Frostmourne and the Frozen Throne.
If you knew what was best, you would leave me alone.
Think you can raid Icecrown? Think you all heroic?
Every one of you raiders will be suckin’ my dick.
And when you get sick of kissin’ my balls with your lips,
You can all run away, except I burned your ships.
That’s how I roll, Motherfuckers!

Give it up, ya’ll.

Sylvanas once was a high elf, or some kind of fairy.
That bitch screamed real good when I was bustin’ her cherry.
She says she’s the Forsaken, ‘cause she misses my nuts.
But I caught the Black Arrow when I went up in her guts.
Keep trustin’ them Dreadlords, that’s the smart way to go.
Undead, stop getting’ led by an elf bitch gone emo.

‘Fore I give this up, I got one more shout, for my ol’ girl.

Jaina Proudmoore, outta Theramore,
She don’t like me now, but I fucked that whore.
Girl, I know Thrall can’t dick you the way that you like.
He’s got a little green ween; I got this massive spike.
You said my culling in Stratholme was making you sick.
But you said something else when you were up on my dick.

I’m the Lich King, ya’ll, and I am outtie.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Call of the Crusade: The Musical

Original Post Here:

Scene: The Recently completed ARGENT COLISEUM. HARDCORE enters from stage right. He is resplendent in Tier 8.5 and hard mode epics. CASUAL enters from stage left. He is wearing mostly blues and two pieces of Hateful Gladiator PVP gear; he carries a Titansteel Destroyer, dragging it behind him as though it is very heavy. They regard each other contemptuously, then they both look ruefully toward the COLISEUM, and then back to each other.

Hardcore: I hate you.

Casual: And I hate you.

Both: And both of us hate Three-point-two!

Hardcore: What the hell is this Crusade?

Casual: We don't need another raid!

Hardcore: Four timers a week for the same content? This grind is without precedent!

Casual: Exalted rep for daily quests? Why such demands? This game's a mess!

Both: This is the worst patch that we've seen yet! I can't believe that they nerfed Ret. Please revert the game to one-point-eight, because you've added all this stuff we hate!

Hardcore: Free Conquest epics from heroics mock the work that I have done.

Casual: His weapon's much better than mine, so I'm not having any fun.

Hardcore: But you don't need good gear anyway.

Casual: I'm owed rewards for all I play.

Hardcore: You can't be playing all that much.

Casual: Six hours a day; odd times, and such.

Hardcore: PUG groups clear Naxx, haven't you heard?

Casual: No time to raid, you silly nerd.

Both: This is the worst patch we've ever had. King Varian Wrynn is a deadbeat dad. This game was best before B.C. It will just get worse in Three-point-three!

Casual: I own the place in Battlegrounds. We sometimes win when I'm around. You're only in the Gulch to grind; you let them win when we're a cap behind. Now it's over all too fast. I really like my games to last.

Hardcore: What's the deal with all your hating? What is your arena rating?

Casual: Arena doesn't measure skills. Look at all my honor kills.

Hardcore: I wiped and wiped on Malygos, and hard-mode Sarth with every drake. His gear's as good from Violet Hold, that place is such a piece of cake. My guild and I, we work and struggle, 'til we persevere at last. And now you give him epic loot, though he won't learn to play his class.

Casual: What does it matter what I've got? You seem to care an awful lot.

Hardcore: I've got a right to two-shot you. My God, I hate this Three-Point-Two.

(They /dance)


Druids: This is the worst patch we can recall. We do not like our new art at all. We want to have the old art back. We look so dumb when we attack.

All: This is the worst patch we've ever had. Even Ahn'Qiraj was not this bad. We need unique art for each class set. And we need more buffs for Ret.

Hardcore: Buffs for Ret!

Druids: And Moonkins too!

Casual: Buffs for Ret!

All: Yes we need more buffs for Ret!

(Pause for applause)


Sunday, August 2, 2009

An Open Letter to Sam Raimi

Dear Sam,

I'm Crawford, the best and wisest of the Warcraft General forum posters. I am known throughout the land as a speaker of profound truths and persuasive lies. Since you're new around here, you may not know yet, but I am kind of a big deal. We should definitely hang out some time.

I heard you were attached to direct the long-promised Warcraft picture. So, welcome to our world. Of warcraft.

You've got an awesome track record; the domestic box-office grosses on your "Spider-Man"
films have totaled more than a billion. Your latest film, "Drag Me To Hell" got the best reviews of any horror movie in recent memory. You gave us nuanced, character-driven suspense in "A Simple Plan" and Katie Holmes's naked bazooms in "The Gift." For this above all, we are eternally grateful.

Those "Evil Dead" films were pretty okay as well.

But you've never been up against anything like this. Consider yourself warned.

Lots of people have made movies out of video games, but nobody has ever made a good one. The best one ever made is Paul W. S. Anderson's masterpiece, "Resident Evil." And how good is "Resident Evil"? Well, Paul W. S. Anderson's entire career is based on the fact that people fund his movies because they mistakenly believe he is Paul Thomas Anderson. "Resident Evil" is a movie nobody should ever watch, because they can just watch "Evil Dead 2" again. And that is as good as these get. The dean of the video game film auteurs is a gentleman named Uwe Boll, and critics would rather let him punch them in the face than watch one of his movies.

And that is merely the shape of the terrain. Wait until you meet the inhabitants. If you thought the "Spider-Man"
fans were a bunch of obsessive weirdos, you're going to learn how much worse things can get. World of Warcraft isn't just a hobby; it's a place people live, and the folk who dwell in this strange country will not welcome you as a liberator.

So how do you proceed? Well here's my advice:

Once there was this movie about noble adventurers who took on a solemn and urgent quest, with the fate of their world hanging in the balance. It was called "Lord of the Rings." It's totally sweet and we love it. But we have all seen it fifty times.

You know that scene at the end of "Two Towers" where Aragorn and Theoden and their little posse ride out of Helm's Deep to meet the armies of Isengard? Well in Warcraft, we call that "clearing trash," and it bores us.

Don't try and duplicate "Lord of the Rings." It is a doomed endeavor. Don't show us elves speaking urgently, in hushed tones, about fel deeds that must be accomplished. That is SO 2004.

Warcraft is a game played by social misfits who must, nonetheless, form tenuous alliances and work together to kill raid bosses. But these bonds break down as soon as it is time to roll on the loot.

We are not noble. We are not loyal. We are not brave. Our aspirations are petty. Our motives are selfish. Our friendships are brittle. Your film's protagonist should reflect these qualities.

No lore. No quests. No civilization hanging in the balance. No One Ring. Just a character, a monster, a shiny, and a bunch of people the character must pretend to like until he can sponge enough loot to ditch for a better guild.

For example, your film could open with a guild of heroes dividing up the spoils of a raid-boss kill. The "tank," an armored warrior who fights hand-to-hand with giant monsters, wants an item. But the guild's leader awards the coveted piece to a new guild member, because she is a woman.

Enraged, the tank quits the guild, and decides to seek his fortune on his own. He is promptly killed by an ogre.

He awakens as a "forsaken,"
a zombie, and must now join a team of orcs and trolls, his former enemies. They're his last hope to get the phat loot that is his heart's desire.

There's your setup.

I think we can do this.

You're lucky to have me around.