Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tirion's Call Is Going Straight To Voice Mail

Original Thread Here:

Please Check out the CollegeHumor article as well:

The power of the Lich King is nearing its peak. If the living cannot align against him, all hope will be lost, and the Scourge will destroy all that is pure in Azeroth.

With precious time running short, Tirion Fordring, the leader of the Argent Crusade, sounds the call, to muster the forces of Light to Northrend, to join the Crusade in its final battle at the base of the foreboding Icecrown Citadel.

But not everyone will answer:

Hi. You've reached Lord Genn Greymane. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now. Things have been a little hairy around here lately.

If you are calling with regard to any solicitation, there is a reason we built that huge wall, but you may want to visit us in person during the full moon. We're usually available in the evenings. Around dinnertime.

If your call is related to our participation in the Alliance, we may be able to discuss the matter "soon." Otherwise, please leave a message.


High. You've reached Khadgar. I can't come to the phone right now, because I am really busy in Shattrath. Doing stuff. Important stuff. Lot's of irons in the fire. Seriously. Leave one, and I'll hit you back.


Hi. You've reached the Hydraxian Waterlords, your one-stop shop for all your rune dousing needs.

Here at the Hydraxian Waterlords, we are fully capable of wielding the inconceivable power of Neptulon the Tidehunter. But we choose to devote our attention to runes and dousing them, so you can enjoy the best in Aqual Quintessence. When you need runes doused, just tell your raid to wait while you fly out to Azshara.

For all inquiries regarding rune-dousing, please use our new automated support system. To continue in Darnassian, please press 1.


Kind greetings and salutations. You have reached the University of Ogri'La. If you are calling to inquire about our search for new faculty to lead our graduate program in advanced apexis crystal chemistry, please send your curriculum vitae and any relevant publications to Professor Grok, who is leading our search.

If you are calling with regard to "The Blade's Edge," our literary magazine, unfortunately, we're closed for submissions for the Fall issue. We thank all our contributors, and we urge everyone who didn't make it this time to resubmit for the Winter quarter.

If you are calling about Northrend, or any activities going on up there, WE NO UNDERSTAND. STINKY FART. HA HA. SMASH WITH CLUB.


Shiver Me Timbers! Ye've reached the Bloodsail Buccaneers!

For YARRRRR, please press 1.

For ARRRRRR, please press 2.

For WALK TEH PLANK, please press 3.

For anything else, please call back during normal business hours.


Monday, August 10, 2009

Free Epics for Casuals

I have gotten really bored with hearing this. People are always whining about how Heroics shouldn't drop epics, badges shouldn't drop epics, PVP shouldn't sell epics, regular ToC shouldn't have epics.

This is completely infantile, because the idea of item quality has been completely meaningless for all purposes except determining vendor price and what an item will disenchant into.

The stat budget for an item is determined by item quality and item level. In the original design, the item level determined the character level that could use different items, and the plan was for each successive tier of raid loot to scale up by a degree of item quality.

But even before release, Blizzard decided to make all raid loot purple "epic" quality, and scale using the ilvl modifier rather than the item quality modifier.

There were some experiments with scaling the blues up higher in ZG and AQ 20, but once some blues were better than some epics, people got really confused, and Blizzard stopped doing it.

In the current system, there is a flat cap at ilvl 200, and there are no blue items above it. Blue items similarly capped at 115 in BC. There is no upgrade from a heroic/max level blue other than an epic, and designing things any other way makes itemization unnecessarily confusing.

However, each tier of epic upgrades improves the epic gear of the people who are on the cutting edge of content by a margin that is roughly equivalent to the difference between a heroic blue item and an entry level (Heroic/Regular TOC/Naxx 10) epic. The purple text is completely meaningless; the gap between somebody in heroic blues and somebody in BIS gear prior to the ulduar release is much smaller than the gap between somebody wearing ilvl 200 epics and somebody who is geared from regular mode Coliseum 25.

All these free "epic" loots merely signify an additional tier of progression for players who don't commit to the game beyond what is necessary to do 5 man instances. And this stuff is still an unprecedented 4 tiers below the cutting edge.

The Heroic TOC and badge loot also gives new players a shortcut into current tiers of content, which is crucial, because very few people were doing heroics and 10 man naxx before the badge change. It's logistically unfeasible to demand that new players gear up in content that nobody is using.

It is totally absurd to suggest that giving low-end players "epics" somehow cheapens anything (except maybe abyss shards, which were inflated in value relative to predecessor items).

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Call of the Crusade: The Musical

Original Post Here:

Scene: The Recently completed ARGENT COLISEUM. HARDCORE enters from stage right. He is resplendent in Tier 8.5 and hard mode epics. CASUAL enters from stage left. He is wearing mostly blues and two pieces of Hateful Gladiator PVP gear; he carries a Titansteel Destroyer, dragging it behind him as though it is very heavy. They regard each other contemptuously, then they both look ruefully toward the COLISEUM, and then back to each other.

Hardcore: I hate you.

Casual: And I hate you.

Both: And both of us hate Three-point-two!

Hardcore: What the hell is this Crusade?

Casual: We don't need another raid!

Hardcore: Four timers a week for the same content? This grind is without precedent!

Casual: Exalted rep for daily quests? Why such demands? This game's a mess!

Both: This is the worst patch that we've seen yet! I can't believe that they nerfed Ret. Please revert the game to one-point-eight, because you've added all this stuff we hate!

Hardcore: Free Conquest epics from heroics mock the work that I have done.

Casual: His weapon's much better than mine, so I'm not having any fun.

Hardcore: But you don't need good gear anyway.

Casual: I'm owed rewards for all I play.

Hardcore: You can't be playing all that much.

Casual: Six hours a day; odd times, and such.

Hardcore: PUG groups clear Naxx, haven't you heard?

Casual: No time to raid, you silly nerd.

Both: This is the worst patch we've ever had. King Varian Wrynn is a deadbeat dad. This game was best before B.C. It will just get worse in Three-point-three!

Casual: I own the place in Battlegrounds. We sometimes win when I'm around. You're only in the Gulch to grind; you let them win when we're a cap behind. Now it's over all too fast. I really like my games to last.

Hardcore: What's the deal with all your hating? What is your arena rating?

Casual: Arena doesn't measure skills. Look at all my honor kills.

Hardcore: I wiped and wiped on Malygos, and hard-mode Sarth with every drake. His gear's as good from Violet Hold, that place is such a piece of cake. My guild and I, we work and struggle, 'til we persevere at last. And now you give him epic loot, though he won't learn to play his class.

Casual: What does it matter what I've got? You seem to care an awful lot.

Hardcore: I've got a right to two-shot you. My God, I hate this Three-Point-Two.

(They /dance)


Druids: This is the worst patch we can recall. We do not like our new art at all. We want to have the old art back. We look so dumb when we attack.

All: This is the worst patch we've ever had. Even Ahn'Qiraj was not this bad. We need unique art for each class set. And we need more buffs for Ret.

Hardcore: Buffs for Ret!

Druids: And Moonkins too!

Casual: Buffs for Ret!

All: Yes we need more buffs for Ret!

(Pause for applause)