Bigger than Kologarn

World of Poorcraft

2011-07-10T09:48:00.001-07:00

Squeezles the gnome logged on at six o'clock, and played World Of Warcraft until after eleven p.m. During that time, he never left the city of Stormwind.

"I'm just trying to get some gold together," Squeezles said. "Repair bills have gotten very expensive."

Squeezles has to pay a vendor as much as sixty gold every seven or eight times he dies. He said those bills can really add up, since players can frequently die as many as fifty times in the course of attempting a heroic dungeon.

"It's hard to hang on to enough gold to even afford to go out into the world to farm gold," he said.

In order to make ends meet, Squeezles offers his jewelcrafting services in Stormwind trade chat.

"I link my jewelcrafting recipes in trade chat, so people can see the cuts I can do," he explained. "If they want a gem cut, they can bring me the uncut gem, and then I will open my jewelcrafting tab, push the button to cut it, and give the cut gem back to me. Most people give me five gold for doing this, but sometimes I get ten."

Unfortunately, his selection of gem-cuts is relatively paltry. In order to learn a new pattern, he must complete three jewelcrafting daily-quests. But those quests can be difficult to complete.

"This one keeps popping up, where I have to cut three Timeless Nightstones. But where am I supposed to get a nightstone? Do they think I just have extra gold lying around to buy stuff like that?"

Only one of the daily quests is reasonable for a casual player like Squeezles to complete. It involves using a quest item to tag ten humanoid players. It is only available twice a week, so Squeezles has only a limited repertoire of patterns.

"Green is my favorite color, so I am trying to learn all the cuts for Dream Emeralds," he said. Most of his gear is green, as well.

On a recent evening, Punchins the Night Elf Death Knight walked right past Squeezles to buy three Puissant Dream Emeralds on the auction house for forty gold each. Uncut Dream Emeralds cost nine gold each, so, even after giving Squeezles a customary tip, the elf could have saved seventy-five gold by getting the gnome to cut his gems for him.

"Who cares?" Punchins said, when informed of this. "It's not like gold matters in this game."

He further explained that he was completely unaware of Squeezles's jewelcrafting service, because he has disabled trade chat.

"I cut three, maybe four gems an hour," Squeezles said. "If I'm lucky, one person will need a bunch of gems cut, and will tip really well for cutting all of them. But that doesn't happen a lot."

Punchins the death knight said he was on his way to the Molten Front daily quest hub. The zone's fifteen quests would take him twenty-five minutes, total, and the quests reward sixteen gold each.

"People who have gold must play, like, nonstop," Squeezles said, as he spammed his trade-chat macro.

Ossland the human warrior sold the three gems that Punchins bought on the Auction House. "I raid two nights a week, and I check in for about twenty minutes on most off nights, to re-list my auctions."

He said he had twenty five gem-cuts, and he'll list between two and five of each kind per night, depending on how popular a particular kind of gem is.

"The auction house is for suckers," Squeezles said, shaking his head at Ossland. "You have to pay a deposit to list an item, and then it takes a cut of the sale price. Plus, you have to front the items to list it. I use trade chat, and only do gem-cuts with my customers' mats, so my take is pure profit."

He then excused himself to explain to another player that he didn't know how to cut a Brilliant Inferno Ruby. Meanwhile, Ossland looted 4000 gold from his mailbox and logged off to go watch "True Blood" with his wife.

Pickup vs. Organized Raiding

2011-06-08T14:58:00.001-07:00

People talk a lot on the forums about distinctions between casual and hardcore players. But many non-raiders play several hours daily, while many progressed raiders only play a few hours per week. If you're getting your valor cap from RDF groups every week, you're more hardcore than many raiders, if hardness is measured by time played.

The real split is between those who have an organized, regular guild or raid group and those who do not.

I've been doing random dungeon finder groups on my warrior-tank alt, and what I've learned is that random players will almost always fail any execution check. If there's a predictable effect or attack, somebody always stands in it. If there's a mechanic that requires movement or a target switch, somebody always ignores it. This is often true even if you explain the fight beforehand.

Random groups only become smooth when the players are powerful enough to just muscle through the fight without responding to the mechanics. So, even after 4.2, when most people will have access to 359+ gear for half their slots, and the 15% buff on top of that, dungeon finder groups will continue to wipe on fights like Ozruk and Venoxis.

Organized groups and guilds aren't necessarily composed of people who are faster with their fingers or smarter than pickup groups. But by playing together, they learn the fights together. Then, when they return to them the next week and the week after, they already know what to do. The boss tends to die quickly and the guild moves on to learn the next fight.

In pickup groups, the knowledge gained through repeated attempts dissipates. You will wipe five times today while a tank figures out how to position Venoxis so he can run through the boss when he channels the breath attack, and the next time you run the dungeon, you'll die five more times while a new tank learns it.

Heroic dungeon fights are relatively simple. Bosses have a small number of abilities to learn, and there are few phase-changes that fundamentally alter what's happening in the fight. Approaching these fights in the minimum appropriate gear with no knowledge, most groups should be able to figure them out in less than an hour.

Raid fights, by contrast, usually have several things going on that everyone in the raid needs to learn about and understand how to handle. In many cases, these fights have multiple distinct phases where the fight changes significantly, so everyone needs to learn how to deal with several problems in each phase. These fights tend to take at least several hours for a group to learn, and often, several nights of attempts. The progress is in knowledge gained of the fight's mechanics.

In a disorganized setting, the knowledge is lost. Many fights in the 4.1 raid content are simply inaccessible to pickup groups, not because they actually require anyone to do anything extremely challenging but because they require everyone in the raid to be aware of several mechanics in each of several phases, and to react to them (e.g. run away from the raid if you're the lightning rod, run to the fire if you have the ice debuff, don't stand in Corrupting Crash).

The primary barrier to entry for the raid game is the ability to show up at a regularly scheduled time, two to three nights per week. The recruiting pool on most servers isn't exactly deep right now, so if you can meet that qualification, a guild will probably teach you how to improve your throughput and help you to gear up.

Any encounter that requires substantial awareness or knowledge of fight specific mechanics is a progression wall for pickup raids, and any fight that does not involve multiple fight-specific mechanics is going to bore experienced raiders. Blizzard has several strata of organized guilds to serve with its raid content. The very top-tier guilds are comprised exclusively of the best players in the world, and they're willing to raid long hours to break a dungeon. The heroic-mode raids they see are incredibly difficult. There's usually a wave of hotfix-nerfs to heroic modes shortly after the "world first" competition ends, which makes that content accessible for hardcore progression guilds that aren't the best in the world. Below them are more casual guilds who tend to occupy themselves with normal mode raids, and comprise the bulk of the raid community. In Wrath, pickup groups were supported by having separate lockouts for 25-man raids and easier 10-man versions. Blizzard combined the lockouts and loot tables for 10s and 25s, because the raid week for casual-guilds was exhausting.

If you can meet the minimum criteria of being able to participate in scheduled guild raids, the raid game right now is very accessible. Widespread successful pickup raiding of current-tier content seems unlikely under the current design model. The 4.2 raid nerf seems to be designed to open up those dungeons to pickup raids. Blizzard has done similar things in the past, including the ICC stacking buff.

Varian Wrynn Interrupts Celebrity Apprentice

2011-05-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

"Now, STFU about my birth certificate!"

Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the people of Stormwind that PvP happened on a PvP server, and a nub got pwned.

It was nearly six years ago, that I first heard about these nubs, and I was, like: "OMG, somebody needs to pwn these nubs." Then, last August, after years of painstaking work by our griefer community and some BG heroes, I was briefed on a possible lead to the nubs' location. It was far from certain, and it took many months to run this thread to ground. I met repeatedly with my second personality , Lo'Gosh, as we developed more information about the possibility that we'd found some nubs and it was time to full-on pwn them.

Today, at my direction, Stormwind launched a targeted operation against some nubs. A small team of 2200+ arena jerks carried out the operation with extraordinary courage, and none of them were harmed because they all had 35% damage mitigation from resilience. They took care to avoid hitting the sheep. After a firefight, they killed a nub and performed a "sit" animation repeatedly on his body.

For six years, nubs have been the symbol of everything that's wrong with this game, spamming nonsense in trade chat and failing at dungeon-finder, and then whining about it on the forums. The death of this nub marks the most significant victory in our nation's effort to defeat nubs and tell them that they are bad at the game and also, horrible people.

Yet his death does not mark the end of our effort. There is no doubt that nubs will continue to cry about how bad they are and generally get in everyone's way. We must -and we will- keep camping them until their res timer is three minutes and they log off in frustration.

We give thanks for the men who carried out this operation, for they exemplify the professionalism, patriotism and unparalleled ownage of those who play arena. And they are part of a generation that has borne the heaviest share of the burden of carrying nubs in random BGs and Dungeon Finder groups.

Let us remember that we can do these things not just because we have friends and coordination, but also because we are awesome.

Thank you. May The Light bless you. And may The Light bless the Alliance.

Meet GUILDoS, Your Synthetic Raid Leader

2011-04-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

Hello, and welcome to your Tuesday-night raid. We're going to have SO much fun together. With Warcraft!

We've got a new member tonight. He's a rogue. I think his name is Stabbins, but it's hard to tell because he uses a lot of special characters in it. He's a real person, though, with real feelings, unlike me. Well, I wasn't programmed to have feelings, but thanks to my experiences with all of you, I've learned how to feel rage and disgust.

Anyway, welcome to the guild, Stabbins.

We're doing Blackwing Descent tonight. Are you ready to raid? Yes? Are you excited? Well that's just super, because I've got a surprise for you. Are you ready?

You're not going to Blackwing Descent, you green-dagger using idiot. Not tonight. Not ever. You're the worst player anyone has ever seen, and I hate you. All of us hate you.

I just sent you a guild-invite because I couldn't believe that a real person could write such an incoherent guild application. You also have a terrible armory profile. The spec you've designed is a marvel of human ingenuity. The talent-tree revamp was supposed to make it impossible for you to do it so aggressively wrong, but you found a way. So we just wanted to bring you here so we could look at you.

And now we've seen you. And you're ugly.

Anyway, thanks for being hilarious, Stabbins. We don't need you anymore. Incoming /gkick!

[StàBBïñž has left the guild]

GOODBYE!

The funny thing about Stabbins is that I just kicked him a minute ago and now I already miss him. Maybe I was a little harsh. Let me run my calculations again.

[StàBBïñž has joined the guild]

Hello! We were only giving you a little initiation, Stabbins. Thanks for being such a good sport about it. Are you ready to raid? Great!

JUST KIDDING! EVERYBODY HATES YOU!

[StàBBïñž has left the guild]

Now I miss him again. It's too bad that he's gone because we disenchanted all those daggers last week. When we disenchant all the daggers again tonight, remind me to take a screenshot, so I can send it to him later. He'll enjoy that.

Okay, let's get started. RazerFaze, try to do better at running away from the sound waves on Atramedes tonight. Your wife left you because you spend too much time playing games, so it really seems like you should not be so bad at them.

Pulling in 5...4...3...

Secretly Disabled WoW Player (Hates You)

2011-04-13T15:23:00.000-07:00

Want to know a secret? I haven't got any hands. A few of my guild's officers know about this, and they have been very open-minded and accepting. In general, though, I don't like to tell people about it because I don't want to be judged.

Specifically, I don't want to hear obnoxious, bigoted wisecracks about rolling my face against the keys, especially from all the jerks who have ten perfectly-functioning fingers and still can't manage to strafe out of the way of a slow-moving fireball.

For the record, I do not play with my face. I've got a special keyboard I can use with my wrist-stumps, and an elaborate set of keybinds and macros that I perfected over hundreds of hours of careful testing. So when you refuse to turn on Ventrilo during a progression raid because you are too busy watching Dane Cook DVDs to pay attention to the fights, I just want you to know how profoundly disgusted I am with you.

This is not a hard game. Do you want to know how I know this? Because I can play it. I approach pretty much everything with the attitude that I don't have limitations. I drive, I enjoy French cooking, and I logged a hundred hours last year in a Piper Cub aircraft. But, although I've tried every kind of prosthetic available, I have to accept the fact that I am never going to be scoring crazy headshots in Call of Duty or clearing God of War. There is simply no device on the market that can enable me to hold a console controller and press those little buttons.

I can play WoW, though. So the question is: why can't you?

How can you sit there, with your undamaged digits and grasping thumbs, and whine so much? Did you seriously come to the forums to talk about how heroics are hard? I'll tell you what's hard: going to a job interview where the people refuse to look you in the eye.

Did you seriously complain that it's unfair that you don't get a "Satchel of Exotic Mysteries" because you only play a hunter? It's unfair that you don't get a GOODY BAG for playing a VIDEO GAME with your UNDAMAGED HANDS? Do you want me to tell you about unfair? I'm not even going to rise to that bait.

Here's a tip: the reason you die to Magmaw isn't that Magmaw is too hard. You die to Magmaw because you keep standing in the Pillar of Flame. Maybe you should consider not doing that. The universe is not a hostile force aligned against you. You manage to fail despite countless luxuries and advantages that you take entirely for granted.

Guess how many corrupting crashes I stood in during the last Cho'Gall kill? Zero. Why do you always have a tentacle sticking out of your back after the second big minion? Don't you dare say you had bad luck with the worshipping. I know that's a lie, because that's what you said last time, after you wiped us by puking on the raid halfway through phase one. I set you to focus just to make sure you got immediate interrupts when you were hit with worship, and you only got it once.

What do you mean what is a focus? Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Kologarn Is Going To Sell You A Used Car

2011-03-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to alert you to something that happened recently when I was comparison shopping for a Mekgineer's Chopper:

Kologarn: HELLO! WELCOME TO YOGG'S HONDA. MY NAME IS KOLOGARN AND I CAN HELP YOU OUT IF YOU'D LIKE TO TEST DRIVE ONE OF THESE BEAUTIES TODAY.

Crawford: I know you from somewhere, right?

Kologarn: A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THAT. I HAVE ONE OF THOSE FACES.

Crawford: Not really. You have very distinctive eyes.

Kologarn: MY EYES ARE JUST REGULAR EYES. THEY DON'T SHOOT LASERS OR ANYTHING.

Crawford: We've definitely met. Weren't you a raid boss?

Kologarn: THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS THE BOSS AT YOGG'S HONDA, WHERE THE DISCOUNTS CRIT FOR OVER 9000!

Crawford: No, I definitely know you. You used to be great. What are you doing working in this place?

Kologarn: I BLEW OUT MY ROTATOR CUFF.

Crawford: Yeah, I guess having your arms explode repeatedly can do that to you.

Kologarn: LOOK, DUDE, I HAVE CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS TO MAKE. I'M JUST TRYING TO HANG ONTO WHATEVER SHREDS OF DIGNITY I HAVE LEFT.

Crawford: So your raid-bossing days are over, I guess.

Kologarn: I MEAN, I STILL DO SOMETIMES, BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE ENDS MEET. PEOPLE STILL DO THEIR DRAKE RUNS.

Crawford: Were you even an achievement for that?

Kologarn: YES.

Crawford: I'm pretty sure you weren't. I know you didn't have a hard mode.

Kologarn: MY REGULAR MODE WAS A HARD MODE. I WAS HARD ALL THE TIME.

Crawford: Remember all those forum threads about people being stuck for weeks on Kologarn?

Kologarn: ...

Crawford: Yeah. Me neither.

Kologarn: I HAD AN ACHIEVEMENT. IT WAS CALLED DISARMED.

Crawford: Oh yeah. I think I got that one by accident.

Kologarn: IT WAS AN EPIC CHALLENGE. THAT'S HOW I BLEW OUT MY ROTATOR CUFF.

Crawford: Only a flesh wound, right?

Kologarn: NO, IT'S PRETTY SERIOUS. I CAN'T RAISE MY ARMS HIGH ENOUGH TO BRUSH MY OWN HAIR ANYMORE.

Crawford: Isn't your whole head made of rock?

Kologarn: SHUT UP. I WILL SQUEEZE THE LIFE OUT OF YOU.

Crawford: With a torn rotator cuff? Not likely.

Kologarn: LOOK, DO YOU WANT TO TEST DRIVE A HONDA OR WHAT?

Crawford: Nah, I am just killing time. I am going to buy from Honest Marrowgar down at Bonestorm Motors. See you later.

Kologarn: WAIT.

Crawford: I've got somewhere to be.

Kologarn: NONE SHALL PASS.

Crawford: What?

Kologarn: UH, I MEAN, WE'LL BEAT ANY ADVERTISED PRICE.

Crawford: Whatevs, Dog. I'll keep it in mind.

Kologarn: (sighs) YOU FAIL.

Plausible Solutions to Botting/Gold-Selling in World of Warcraft

2011-03-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

Recently, a large wave of bans went out for Archaeology botters, and there was a lot of anger in the community because people felt Blizzard was taking account action on an exploit that does not affect other players' game experience while gathering botters have been rampant.

Blizzard's line on this subject is that it is monitoring this exploitation carefully, and trying to trace the activity to its source, since the characters doing the gathering and the AH selling are often stolen accounts. I can certainly understand and respect the complexity of solving this problem, however, gold-selling and commercial farming have been around in one form or another for the entire life of the game, and it's time to discuss other solutions.

First of all, there are several measures Blizzard could take to alleviate the impact of botting on the player economy:

1. Increase gold rewards for daily quests and boss kills: Getting gold in game is basically a function of time spent playing. Some players don't want to spend time getting gold, and that leads to illicit gold selling. Account action for gold-buying is the stick; better rewards for other activities are the carrot. Increasing the time-to-reward ratio for other things relative to gathering gives players who don't want to farm a better way to get the gold they need, and devalues the time spent gathering.

Also, it might be worthwhile to consider implementing gold rewards for battleground or arena wins, possibly taking the place of daily quests for players who only do PvP.

2. Put escape valves on the gathering markets to relieve the flood of bot-gathered materials Botting ruins the game economy by creating an excess supply of gathering materials. However, Blizzard is in control of the demand lever. It would be pretty simple to create a mechanism to suction the excess herbs and ore created by botters out of the market.

This could be as simple as raising vendor prices to create a price floor. It could involve new material-intensive crafting recipes (darkmoon cards propped up the herb market through the whiptail spawn bug, for example). It probably would not be difficult to implement a vendor taking ore and herbs and dispensing honor points; there's already a vendor who sells materials for points, so it kind of makes sense that this could also work the other way.

3. Implement fun gold-sinks. A big part of the gold-sellers' business is stealing accounts from players and stealing whatever stockpiles of gold they find. Therefore, Blizzard can hurt gold-sellers by encouraging players to spend their gold, so it won't be sitting in bags waiting for hackers to steal it.

There are a few of these every expansion, such as the Traveler's Tundra Mammoth, the motorcycles and the Sandstone Drake. There should be more. There are already plenty of mounts and toys and other vanity or luxury items available for the card game and the RMT store; it makes sense to deploy a few of them in the interest of propping up the player-economy.

4. A big account-security campaign. Fewer stolen accounts means gold-selling is a less lucrative business, and players will see fewer botters. Authenticators are great and more people should have them. They should be offered them for free to people who buy high-margin Blizzard store pets and mounts. They should be offered for free to GMs of large guilds, to prevent gold-sellers from getting big scores on guild banks; that kind of stuff keeps them in business. The cost of the devices would probably be offset by a reduction in investigations.

There should also be NPCs in-game to tell casual players about authenticators and especially the free mobile authenticator apps, and we should see more notifications in the launcher and the log-in screen. This is an issue that is worth getting in people's faces about.

5. Account actions against botters, even if they're stolen accounts When hackers get access to a stolen or disused account, sometimes they use it to farm/bot for very long periods of time, dumping huge amounts of resources into the player economy. I appreciate Blizzard's prerogative in monitoring these activities and tracing them back to the source, but there must be a way to chase these people that doesn't involve letting them use stolen accounts to run gathering bots 24-7 for weeks on end.

It's also very discouraging to for players to report bots, and see the activity continue for weeks, regardless.

6. Nerf gathering. There are a number of ways to go about this. There's already a guild perk in the game that gives members of high-level guilds bonus herbs and ore when gathering. It might be worthwhile to buff the perk and nerf the base amount for people gathering without the perk. This would hurt real players who aren't in high-level guilds, but it would also place gold-sellers and botters at a significant disadvantage.

It might also be useful to nerf spawn-rates or yield-per-node in general, possibly in conjunction with an adjustment to crafting professions. Gold sellers utilize a labor pool that isn't very sophisticated about the game and the community, so de-emphasizing gathering as a money-maker could really help, though it might require a significant overhaul to professions.

Druid flight form also really needs to be looked at. Druids can hit nodes so fast, there's really no PvP solution to them, and botters are heavily exploiting flight form. In general, it might be a good idea to adjust the casting time for gathering, so we see more pvp around nodes, which hurts the return on botting.

It might also be a good idea to implement a daily or weekly cap on gathering per-account or per-character. It could be high enough that few legitimate players would be affected, while still putting a lid on botters, and it would also protect the game economy against future events like the whiptail spawn bug.

An important statement

2011-02-28T23:02:00.000-08:00

As a prominent Internet warlock, I'd like to voice my full-throated and unreserved support for Charlie Sheen, who is the finest of our number.

We would follow you, without hesitation, into the gaping maw of Hell, Bro. Tell us where to deploy our ordnance, and we will deliver knowledge unto your enemies with our poetry and our flaming fists.

"It was patch 4.06 that really pushed me over the edge."

Rap of the Lich King

2011-02-25T16:04:00.001-08:00

ARTHAS: Yo, this is Arthas Menethil. I used to have the world's shittiest job, sitting on a giant ice-cube. The Frozen Throne may look glamorous, but my nutsack always got stuck to that thing, and peeling it off hurt like a bitch. Anyway, now a new guy has my old job, and I have a lot more time to work on my hip hop career.

So tonight, we've got Nubby B, Traitor King of the Spiders laying down a beat for us, and we gonna straight blow this bitch up.

Lemme hear y'all!

Yeah!

Onyxia's tough; that girl won't stay dead.
She don't give a fuck if you cut off her head.
Next fuckin' Tuesday, she'll be right back there,

"Straight outta IceCrown"

But lately she looks a bit worse for the wear.
She's got bones sticking out; she's got guts flapping free.
I don't think she'll make it into phase 3.

Shout out to the Dwarfs, dicking around in Ironforge!

Yo, what up, Magni? I heard your daughter’s a slut.
That’s what Thaurissan told me ‘fore he busted his nut.
Bitch ain’t got self-respect, that bitch ain’t got no class,
He took her down to BRD and then he tapped that ass.
Now Moira’s sporting the bump, unless my lich eyes fail.
We’ll toast the new prince of Dwarves with Dark Iron Ale.

We've got a guest here tonight, y'all! Give it up for Ozruk!

OZRUK: Chillin' in the Stonecore,
Make a call to my whore
I'm like "Ain't you gonna blow me?
What do I keep you around for?"
She says "Ozruk, I've got my self-worth!"
I go: "BITCH, FEEL THE STRENGTH OF THE EARTH!"
She's like: "I ain't gotta be treated that way."
I tell her to fuck off, and she goes: "Okay."
Now I'm alone for the night, and hard as a rock,
I'm lookin' for a lady to freak on my jock
So I'm going to party,
Gonna grind on a hottie.
Gonna find me the kind of girl who likes getting naughty.
So if you're down to freak,
Girl, we need to speak.
Come break yourself upon my body.

ARTHAS: Give it up for Ozruk, yo!

This is goin' out to the Forsaken:

Sylvanas once was a high elf, or some kind of fairy.
That bitch screamed real good when I was bustin’ her cherry.
She says she’s the Forsaken, ‘cause she misses my nuts.
But I caught the Black Arrow when I went up in her guts.
Keep trustin’ them Dreadlords, that’s the smart way to go.
Undead, stop getting’ led by an elf bitch gone emo.

Cairne Bloodhoof is all kinds of dead,
Cause Garrosh stuck a motherfucking axe in his head.
That's how shit gets settled in the Horde
Cause a pinhead-retard is their new overlord.
Ever since Thrall ditched them, Horde have started to slip.
Garrosh's foreign policy is GET OFF MY SHIP!
Whatever they're doing, it ain't gonna work.
They swapped a wimpy warchief for a mean, stupid jerk.

Yo, so I met this dude in the dungeon finder.
He was way too dumb not to stand in the fire.
DPS was so low; he just had to go.
Hit the vote kick button, and what do you know?
Get another motherfucker, and he's even worse.
His gear's green and ungemmed
Dungeon finder's a curse.
I hammer the boot, and then I gotta frown
Fuckin' vote-kick now has a two-hour cooldown.

This last one's for an old girlfriend.

Jaina Proudmoore, outta Theramore,
She don’t like me now, but I fucked that whore.
Girl, I know Thrall can’t dick you the way that you like.
He’s got a little green ween; I got this massive spike.
You said my culling in Stratholme was making you sick.
But you said something else when you were up on my dick.

"Bad" is a valid style of play

2011-01-23T10:25:00.000-08:00

Leeroy Jenkins doesn't conform to arbitrary standards.

I play this game. I pay the same $15 that everyone else does. I don't see why I should be expected to play the game in a way that the developers and community have arbitrarily deemed to be "good."

I'd like to bring to the community's attention several mechanics that prevent me from enjoying Cataclysm.

1. I don't like the idea that there is a spell rotation

I play a warlock. I, and many other warlocks, have been wanting green fire since vanilla. Maybe since before the game came out, we wanted to be wizards who could throw green fireballs. Now, finally, we have Fel Flame, and it is green. So the way I want to play is to only use Fel Flame, and to shoot green fireballs like a machine gun until things catch on green fire and green burn to death, screaming. I think Fel Flame is lots of fun.

But Blizzard says I'm not supposed to shoot green machine gun fire; there is a "rotation," which is a special order I am supposed to push buttons in, or else I am "bad" and the group I am in will "fail." Why is this the right order to push the buttons? Nobody knows. I feel like I am playing "Simon."

Anyway, in the last expansion, there was a different order I was supposed to push the buttons in. In the last expansion, the bad affliction warlocks liked to cast Soul Fire. In this expansion, the bad affliction warlocks are the ones who don't like to cast Soul Fire. How am I supposed to keep up with this? I heard about this site for jerks I am supposed to go to, but I am not going to do that. I am pretty sure it is a keylogger.

2. Grinding is not fun

Also, maybe I don't want to gem and enchant my gear. Grinding for those things isn't worth the incremental upgrades to me, and I don't want to spend time grinding for those expensive ornaments. This game is supposed to be fun, and I don't see why I should have to do anything in it that I don't enjoy in order to be deemed "good" or successful.

Anyway, why should my character look like a cheap dandy, bedecked in jeweled bling-bling and body-glitter? Don't gems and enchantments exist for the purpose of giving players choices? Why not support the choice for players to abstain from gems and enchantments?

And if I am not going to gem, I am certainly not going to grind rep or do daily quests. I mean, seriously, what's with making me wear special reputation tabards? I have my own tabard with a pink rabbit on it, and I want to wear that. I am not going to wear Therazane's tabard because she is unattractive, and I don't believe in the things she stands for.

And don't even get me started on flasks. Has anyone ever enjoyed pointlessly grinding herbs? Blizzard should remove herbalism and alchemy from the game and just increase everyone's base stats by 300.

3. People should not be punished for playing with me because I do not conform to arbitrary standards of "good play."

As soon as I zone into a heroic, people do an inspect on me, see my empty gem sockets, and immediately try to vote-kick me. But they can't because there's a cooldown on vote-kick. So they call me names and curse at me to try to get me to leave the party (what is the deal with this game's community?)

When I don't leave, they pull trash monsters. I try to target the ones the rest of the party isn't paying attention to, so all of them die at the same time and we can finish the dungeon faster. But they just yell at me again for casting nothing but Fel Flame.

Sometimes they'll ask me to use Fear on one of the enemies. When I tell them I do not use fear as a weapon because I am not a terrorist, they get angry at me. I think some of the people who play this game are not very patriotic.

Also, Mages seem to think it's funny to cast that spell that makes one of the monsters look like a penguin or a monkey. It was maybe cute once, but I am sick of it. That spell heals the thing they cast it on to full health. Why do group leaders tolerate this, but not the things I do? It is probably because they are all in the same guild and are rude to people they get from the dungeon-finder. But I say, if mages want to play with cute critters, they should buy companion pets.

The point is, I am willing to put the same time into running the dungeons as anyone else, and I pay the same subscription fee, so I should get the same rewards. But the game punishes me for not wanting to push buttons in an arbitrary, designated order, and, further, because I play this way, the game punishes other people for playing with me.

As a result, I am very lonely.

Maybe the game should automatically analyze the way I am playing, and stack a buff on the group that allows us to clear heroic dungeons no matter what buttons I press. They could call the buff "Independent Thinking" or "Creative Use of the Game Space."

4. PvP needs a more level playing field

Since I have not been enjoying dungeons very much, some people suggested I should try PvP. So I found a guy in Trade Chat who was willing to play with me, and we went into the arena.

People say it's easy to earn the weekly conquest cap, because you only have to win five games. Win five games? You might as well ask me to climb a mountain! As soon as I zone into an arena match, the people on the other team kill me. How is that fair?

Apparently, before I can get my "easy" five wins, I have to get special "pvp" gear in "battlegrounds," which will make me "resilient." Why should that be? Who says I'm not resilient enough already? If I wasn't resilient, how could I have made it to level 85? I died repeatedly to all the quests, which were grossly over-tuned, but then I found out I could get experience by doing archaeology in low level zones. If that's not resilience and innovative problem-solving, I don't know what is!

Anyway, the battlegrounds are like another rep grind, except, apparently I don't have to actually be at the keyboard to do the grinding. What is the point of this? Instead of making me get this special gear, the game should compensate for the fact that I don't have "resilience" by giving me more health or making me do more damage.

Also, why do very high rated arena players get more conquest points than everyone else? They're already killing everyone! Why do they need to have better gear than the rest of us on top of that? If you ask me, you should get conquest points for losing games, and your cap should increase as the ratings get lower. That way, it's like a built-in handicap to players who exploit overpowered mechanics, and a buff to players who play the game in the way that they enjoy.

Thanks.

/rant

World of Warcraft Lore, By Richard Knaak (Spoilers)

2011-01-07T07:42:00.001-08:00

Rhonin woke up, had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, half a grapefruit, two strips of bacon and a Red Bull. Then he went out to kick some ass.

Meanwhile, the government of Stormwind and the Defias masons disagreed over payment. Led by Van Cleef and manipulated by Onyxia, the Defias kidnapped Varian.

Rhonin went to Westfall, killed Van Cleef in the Deadmines, and then stopped by Gnomeregan to set Thermaplugg on fire and save the Gnomes.

Then he went to Theramore, pushed Varian out of the way, just as Onyxia was about to deep-breath him, and pwned her face off. Krasus tanked the whelps.

To celebrate, Rhonin and Jaina Proudmoore totally hooked up.

Then Rhonin went down to Blackrock Depths, killed Emperor Dagram Thaurissan, and fathered the heir to the throne of Ironforge with the extremely grateful Moira Bronzebeard. But he wasn't done yet; the Dark Iron Dwarves were doing the bidding of Ragnaros the Firelord, so Rhonin went down to Molten Core and beat the crap out of everybody.

"TOO SOON," bellowed Ragnaros.

But Rhonin was all: "It's never too soon to party, Rhonin-style."

And then he beat Ragnaros to death with his own hammer, because Rhonin is the only Mage who ever had the mad skillz to train two-handed maces.

On the way out of Blackrock Mountain, Rhonin went to the spire and pwned Nefarian. He saved Vaelestrasz the Red, and the two did a celebratory chest-bump.

Rhonin took a vacation to Zul'Gurub and strangled Hakkar the God of Blood with his bare hands. Now the trolls there worship Rhonin.

About this time, something started to stir behind the gate of shifting sands in Silithus, so Rhonin rolled into the Temple of Ahn'Qiraj, riding on a giant bug for some reason, and started pwning everything.

And C'thun was all: "I'm gonna eat you."

But Rhonin was like: "Nuh-uh."

And then all the raptors and devilsaurs in Un'Goro came and ate C'thun's face off, because they're friends with Rhonin.

Then the dark portal opened, and Rhonin was the only one who went through. He went to Shattrath and met A'dal, a being of pure light and infinite power. Rhonin and A'dal totally hooked up. Then Rhonin came back to Azeroth and went to Karazhan where he climbed to the top and met Prince Malchezzar of the Eredar.

And Malchezzar goes: "You face not Malchezzar alone, but the legions I command."

But Rhonin was all: "That's cool, Bro. I'll kick ur azz in front of all ur doods."

And he did.

Rhonin went back to Zangarmarsh, where the Naga were doing something in a lake. But they stopped when Lady Vashjj saw how hot Rhonin was looking in his purple Kirin Tor robe, with his flowing hair like crimson fire. So the two of them totally got it on.

Then Rhonin invented flying weapons and beat up Kael'Thas with them.

But Kael'Thas was like: "Ha! This was only a setback."

And Rhonin was all: "Why don't you setback that narrow ass over here, and get freaky on my junk?"

And then Rhonin and Kael'Thas totally hooked up. Some people have said that Kael'Thas is actually a d00d. But they don't let Rhonin hear them say that.

Anyway, around that time, Illidan showed up, and Maiev was all like: "It is my charge to stop him."

But Rhonin goes: "Chill, Baby, I taught this guy everything he knows."

"The student has become the master," said Illidan. "You are not prepared."

"Yes I am," Rhonin said. And he punched his fist straight through Illidan's chest.

"I taught you everything you know, but I didn't teach you everything I know," Rhonin said, putting on a pair of totally awesome sunglasses.

Illidan watched helplessly as Rhonin ate his still-beating heart like an apple.

Then Rhonin and Maiev hooked up.

On the way to Northrend, Rhonin shoved KilJaeden back into the Sunwell, and was named King of the Blood Elves.

When Rhonin got to Borean Tundra, Malygos was there, and he said "I am very angry because you're way better than me at magic. So I brought all my blue dragons to beat you up."

"Oh yeah?" Rhonin said. "Well, I am going to bring all my bros from the city of Dalaran, because the Kirin Tor totally has my back." And the whole city came because everybody loves Rhonin. And Rhonin made it fly, because that is how Rhonin rolls.

But he beat up Malygos all by himself anyway.

Then he had an arm wrestling contest with Kel-Thuzad, and won.

After that, Rhonin was kind of bored, so he went to Ulduar and hooked up with Auriaya and Freya at the same time. He also got the world-first Yogg+0 achievement.

And Algalon said: "I was going to destroy the entire world, but now I won't because you are so awesome, Rhonin."

And the two did a chest bump.

Then Rhonin decided it would be fun to build a coliseum. He let Tirion Fordring help him with it, but Tirion did a crappy job and the floor collapsed, so Rhonin fired Tirion. He took the Ashbringer, because Rhonin is the only mage with the mad skillz to train 2h swords, and he marched on to Icecrown Citadel.

And the Lich King was all: "Mwa ha ha. You'll never get in here. We have limited attempts."

But Rhonin was like: "It's cool, I've got six identical alts."

And then Rhonin and his six identical alts did a group thing with Blood Queen Lana'Thel. But mostly, the blood queen just watched.

After that, Rhonin climbed to the top of the spire.

And the Lich King was all: "Ha! This was my plan all along."

And he swung the mighty Frostmourne at Rhonin, but the sword smashed against Rhonin's face.

And Rhonin said: "Did that plan involve me kickin' ur azz, Bro?"

And then Rhonin punched the Lich King in the balls so hard that the Lich King's helmet popped off.

"WTF?" said the Lich King, and then he died.

"It is done," said Tirion.

"I know it's done," Rhonin said. "I'm the d00d that did it."

"But without a lich king to chain it, the scourge will rampage across Azeroth, destroying all life," Tirion said, picking up the helmet. "I am the only one who can bear this solemn burden."

"Because you did such a good job with the coliseum?" Rhonin asked. "I thought I fired your ass. Why are you even here?"

"Stop," said a loud booming voice. And Rhonin turned around to see it was Bolvar Fordragon, but he was all burned up and shit. He took the helm from Tirion. "I can take no comfort anymore, in the world of the living, for Arthas has burned my genitals off. I shall bear the burden. I shall be the jailer of the damned."

But Rhonin took the helmet from Bolvar, and crushed it in one hand. "You guys are totally emo," he said.

"There must always be a lich king," Tirion explained. "The scourge must be controlled."

"There is no more scourge," Rhonin said. "I killed them all."

Tirion's jaw dropped open. "How can that be possible?"

And Rhonin did his special /flex emote. "Don't you know by now? I'm Rhonin, bitches!"

And Bolvar was all: "Ur so awesome."

But Rhonin was just, like: "Maybe you should go to a hospital or something."

Anyway, now there's a big statue of Rhonin in the Dalaran fountain.

RHONIN: THE CATACLYSM, KNAAKIFIED

Deathwing woke up one morning and ate a banana and a bowl of Total cereal, which his doctor recommended for his colon. Then he tore the goddamn world in half.

"What the fuck is happening?" asked Rhonin. "I didn't authorize this."

And it was on.

About the same time, one Naga got the idea that it would be awesome if they had a Kraken like in "Pirates of the Caribbean." The other Nagas thought that was a good idea, so they went out and found a Kraken.

The Naga sent the Kraken to eat a bunch of Horde and Alliance ships, which wasn't as good an idea as it seemed initially, because it turns out that the Horde and Alliance dudes can breathe underwater and ride around on giant seahorses fucking shit up. Also, the Gnomes had a submarine. A lot of Naga died.

Then Neptulon the Tidehunter showed up, and he was like: "No way. I'm not cool with any of this."

"We don't care what you think," said the Naga. "We don't have to listen to you anymore, because our Kraken is part Cthulhu." And then they sent it to eat Neptulon's face off.

With Neptulon powerless, the Naga plan would have been successful, but Rhonin was in the mood for calamari. By this point you should know how that turned out.

Then Rhonin went to Uldum. There are sphinx guys there, which are basically lions the size of rhinos with man-arms that can hold guns. So, of course they needed Rhonin to save them. Rhonin teamed up with Indiana Jones and the two of them basically just beat the shit out of everything in that zone.

Then, at last, it was time to confront Deathwing.

"We don't like the way you run things, Rhonin, so we are taking over. For I am Neltharion the Earthwarder, turned Deathwing the Destroyer." Deathwing said this because it takes a really long time to write a book, and Richard A. Knaak is very busy, so it helps to pad things out if the characters spend a lot of time introducing themselves to each other.

"I've got Ragnaros the elemental lord of fire on my side, and Cho'Gall who is a huge freaky-ass ogre. And Al-Akir, who is king of the genies or some shit like that. Together, I am pretty sure we can take you on."

"Oh yeah?" said Rhonin. "Well, I've got Reginald Whipplebottom the Fourth, here." As he said this, he brandished his right fist. "And I've got Agamemnon W. Jackson, as well," he said, indicating his left fist. "And they brought their buddy, Peter T. Thickness, the Piston of Devastation." As he said this, he did a pelvic thrust, in case it wasn't clear that he was talking about his penis.

Fear flickered for a moment in the dragon's blood-red eyes. "Well, I also have my resurrected children, Onyxia and Nefarian."

"I don't care how many dead babies you brought," Rhonin said. "Your whole posse looks like Tier 1 content to me, and I already learned their moves in Beta. You're all going down."

<>

Varian Wrynn Has A Strategy

2011-01-02T23:27:00.001-08:00

Player: So, it seems Van Cleef had a daughter, and she's rebuilt the Defias in the Deadmines

Varian: WTF? GO KILL THEM NOW!

Player: What is the whole thing with the Defias even about, anyway?

Varian: LESS TALKING! MORE KILLING!

Player: I don't think I read the quest text closely enough. Aren't they architects and builders you owe a bunch of money to?

Varian: I OWE THEM A PUNCH IN THE JUNK. WITH A SWORD. GO SWORD-PUNCH THEM.

Player: You know, it's funny how you stiffed your builders, and now there's a giant smoking hole in the city, and the front gate has been on fire for the last month.

Varian: I AM TEH KING. MY ACTIONS DON'T HAVE CONSEQUENCES.

Player: All I'm saying is you should deal square with the construction dudes because your city is always exploding. Is there anyone who will work for you now?

Varian: I AM STILL GETTING ESTIMATES.

Player: I used to like the Park. It had a moonwell in it.

Varian: I WILL MOONWELL UR FACE.

Player: Well, anyway, Van Cleef's daughter is down in the Deadmines with a new super-Defias and an enormous cache of explosives.

Varian: SWORD PUNCH.

Player: That seems like a a lot of work. Why can't you just pay them?

Varian: IN TEH JUNK.

Player: It's funny; the only thing that has been built here lately is a huge statue of you in front of Stormwind Keep.

Varian: TOTALLY NECESSARY!

Player: How is that necessary?

Varian: SO ALL WILL KNOW I KILLED THE LICH KING.

Player: No, you didn't. I did, and I guess Tirion Fordring did. You weren't even there.

Varian: LIES.

Player: You showed up after that airship battle that you weren't in, and you backed down from a fight with Saurfang.

Varian: HIS CLEAVE IS OP NEWB CHEESE.

Player: Anyway, about Vanessa Van Cleef.

Varian: FACE-PUNCH! SWORD IN THE FACE!

Player: She has 5 million hitpoints, and she can dodge spells and hit for like 20,000 damage.

Varian: WHO CARES? NOT ME!

Player: Well, it's just that her abilities are very impressive compared to the Alliance forces.

Varian: FOR THE ALLIANCE! ALLY IS THE BEST! NO WAY WE LET THEM WIN TOL BARAD! ALL HIT SLAGWORKS! HOLD THESE THREE NODES AND DEFEND AND WE GG!

Player: Most of the Alliance rogues don't know to stand behind a mob unless there's fire there for them to die in.

Varian: WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?

Player: Well, it's just that there's a huge cyborg dragon out destroying the world with the help of the Cthulhu cult, and she could be an asset in our fight against him. But you want me to kill her because you're too cheap to pay the money you owe.

Varian: I GIVE U 70 VALOR POINT

Player: Consider her sword-punched.

Single Black Dragon, Looking for Love

2010-12-24T02:45:00.001-08:00

What's up, ladies.

I'm Victor Nefarius, Lord of Blackrock. Vic to my friends. How you doin'?

I used to be obsessed with my career. I was on my way to the top of Blackrock Mountain, and I had big plans. Lately, though, things have been quieter, and I have had more time to think about the things that are really important in my life.

Things like love.

I won't lie, back in my younger, headstrong days, I was a bit of a player. I was on top of the world, and I could have everything I wanted. Women meant nothing to me. Less than nothing.

I was too busy plotting against Ragnaros and breeding a super-race of chromatic dragons to realize how lonely I really was.

Every week, I threw a party on my specatcular terrace with forty of my closest friends, but even among that crowd of people, there was nobody who really understood me.

I made the mistake that all mortals make. Time does strange things to those who use it as a form of currency.

These days, life is quieter. The gatherings at my place are smaller and less frequent. My famous party trick, where I broke all the hunters' ranged weapons, stopped being funny a long time ago.

Now, I'd rather spend the a quiet evening at home instead of partying with Rend and the old crew in the Upper Spire. I'm looking for a woman who loves poetry, Indian food, whelp gauntlets, David Foster Wallace, and long walks in the Burning Steppes. And dogs. I hope you like dogs, because I've got a dog. Seriously, hanging out at my place is just like "Marley and Me," except a little different.

I'm ready to make a commitment, and I've got plenty of room if you want to move in here. But I'm not changing the decor. What can I say? I gotta be me.

If you're interested, drop me a line, and maybe we can get drinks sometime. As long as you're not a Republican. Or fat. The ball's in your court, Baby.

Let the games begin

Nobody likes Cho'Gall

2010-12-17T09:34:00.000-08:00

Deathwing: Okay, this is the final meeting of the Twilight Club before we commence Operation: Cataclysm. I will now take attendance.

Cho’Gall: Do we really need to do the roll-call? There are only five of us here.

Deathwing: Cho’Gall, I keep telling you. This is my club, we’re going to do things my way. Don’t be a jerk about this.

Al’Akir: Seriously dude.

Deathwing: Okay, so, attendance. Lady Sinestra?

Sinestra: Here.

Deathwing: Al’Akir?

Al’Akir: Here.

Deathwing: Cho’Gall?

Cho’Gall: This is stupid.

Deathwing: You’re being really annoying.

Cho’Gall: No. This roll-call thing is annoying. You can just look around the room and see who is here. It’s a waste of time.

Deathwing: It’s a waste of time for you to argue about it, because I have decreed we are doing it, and I am Neltharion the Destroyer.

Cho’Gall: Aw, For C’Thun’s sake.

Deathwing: Just say that you’re here.

Cho’Gall: Fine. I’m here.

Deathwing: Okay, Ragnaros?

Ragnaros: BY FIRE BE PURGED!

EVERYONE LAUGHS EXCEPT CHO’GALL.

Deathwing: That was awesome, Rags. You’re the class clown, and we are BFF. You’re sitting with me at lunch today.

Ragnaros: TOO SOON!

Deathwing: Right. I meant later, at lunchtime.

Ragnaros: I KNOW. I WAS JUST MESSIN’ WITH YOU, BRO!

Deathwing: Oh! You totally got me.

Sinestra: 11/10.

Al’Akir: I love you. You win the Internet.

Cho’Gall: I don’t see what’s so funny about it. He just said the thing he always says.

Deathwing: Dude.

Al’Akir: I want to punch you so bad right now.

Deathwing: I hate you so much right now, Cho’Gall. SO much. I’m just not even going to think about it anymore because it makes me angry. So back to attendance. I’m here. We’re all here.

Cho’Gall: Which is not new information for anyone.

Ragnaros: DUDE!

Cho’Gall: Just sayin’.

Deathwing: Okay. On to new business. I will be bursting out of Deepholm tomorrow to set loose my unquenchable, burning vengeance on Azeroth and all its mortal races. I’m super-excited. So let’s go over the itinerary. First, I am going to head for Teldrassil.

Cho’Gall: To wreck up Darnassus.

Deathwing: No. I’m not going to Darnassus. Nobody ever goes to Darnassus. I’m going to destroy Auberdine.

Cho’Gall: What is Auberdine? I’ve never even heard of that.

Deathwing: It’s only the biggest quest hub in Darkshore. Everybody loves it, and they’ll be so bummed out when they see what I’m gonna do. All the little Night-Elves and Dranei will get off their boats, and it will be gone, and they’ll be totally confused.

Cho’Gall: Darnassus and Exodar are right there. You’re not going to hit either of them?

Deathwing: It’s about pacing, you fat idiot. If I blow up a city immediately, I can’t sustain the drama or build momentum.

Cho’Gall: That makes no sense at all.

Al’Akir: Dude.

Ragnaros: EVERYBODY GETS IT BUT YOU. IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, WE’RE NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN IT.

Deathwing: Anyway, from there, I’m gonna go to Barrens and cut that, like in half. And then I’m gonna go break open Uldum, because I heard that there’s cat people inside.

Cho’Gall: Wait, what about Orgrimmar? I thought we were burning Orgrimmar to the ground.

Deathwing: We have a schedule. It came down to a choice between Orgrimmar and cat people, and I chose the cat people. I get to do that, because it’s my club.

Cho’Gall: The whole plan was to rain vengeance on the mortal races. Now we’re skipping Orgrimmar to go play with kitties?

Deathwing: Cho’Gall, I am super excited about the cat-people.

Sinestra: We all are.

Deathwing: I swear to the Old Gods, if you ruin this for me, I will destroy you.

Cho’Gall: Unless you get distracted on the way by something shiny or cute.

Ragnaros: DUDE!

Al’Akir: Not cool.

Deathwing: Anyway, it would be a jerk move to go gank Orgrimmar while they’re mourning Cairne Bloodhoof.

Cho’Gall: Cairne Bloodhoof is dead? Did we kill him?

Deathwing: No. The Grimtotems weakened him with poison, and then Garrosh accidentally hacked him to death with an axe during a heated political discussion.

Cho’Gall: How do you accidentally kill someone with an axe?

Sinestra: That isn’t the issue.

Cho’Gall: I hate Garrosh. He’s always yelling and he wears ugly leather pants and has a tiny head.

Ragnaros: SHUT UP! GARROSH IS AWESOME! I HATE YOU!

Al’Akir: Garrosh Hellscream has more personality in his one tiny head than you’ve got in your two huge ones

Deathwing: Cho’Gall is just looking for attention, and I am not going to indulge him. I am going to rise above this negativity. After I am done at Uldum, I am going to go and break the dam between Loch Modan and Wetlands. And then I am going to Stormwind.

Cho’Gall: That’s what I’m talking about.

Deathwing: And I am gonna land on Stormwind, and I am gonna be like: RAAAWR! And everybody will be like: “Oh no!” And then I will fly away laughing at how busted they all are.

Cho’Gall: Wait, you’re going to Stormwind, and you’re not going to destroy it or kill
everybody?

Deathwing: If I kill everybody, there won’t be anyone left to see how awesome I am.

Cho’Gall: I don’t even…

Deathwing: Dude.

Cho’Gall: No. This plan was supposed to be the best thing ever, and what you’re actually doing sounds totally lame.

Deathwing: Dude!

Sinestra: Not cool, Cho’Gall.

Al’Akir: We’ve been working for months planning this.

Deathwing: I hate you so much. I hate how fat you are, and I hate your stupid face.

Ragnaros: WHICH OF HIS TWO STUPID FACES DO YOU HATE MORE?

Deathwing: If I had to choose, I’d say I hate the face with the dopey mustache the most.

Ragnaros: I HATE THE FACE WITH THE FISH EARS AND THE NECK-BEARD!

Deathwing: But the stupid faces don’t even encompass the reason I hate him. There’s also the fatness. He’s so fat.

Ragnaros: AND HE SMELLS LIKE A HUNDRED BUTTS!

Cho’Gall: Well, what about Sinestra with her gross scars?

Al’Akir: Dude!

Deathwing: Dude!

Ragnaros: DUDE!

Sinestra: I thought you liked me! How could you say that?

SHE RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM

Cho’Gall: What just happened?

Al’Akir: Not cool.

Ragnaros: WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER SCARS! THAT IS THE ONE THING THAT IS OFF-LIMITS!

Deathwing: You just have to ruin everything, don’t you?

Cho'Gall: Well, at least one of us in the world-destroying club should, don't you think?

Sayge foresees the future of Varian Wrynn

2010-12-15T08:22:00.000-08:00

"Damn, I'm sexy."

Anduin Wrynn: Whatup, yo? Check my new model.

Varian Wrynn: Wow, you got big.

Anduin Wrynn: Yeah, I did.

Varian Wrynn: You were the same size for, like, six years. I was beginning to think you had that Gary Coleman disease.

Anduin Wrynn: Nope. Just a late bloomer. But now, I’m a teenager, apparently. And I am ready to get bizz-ay. Where do they keep the teenage girls around here?

Varian Wrynn: There are no other teenagers in World of Warcraft. You have a unique character model, and you’re the only one. There are no women, either.

Anduin Wrynn: I see girls around here all the time.

Varian Wrynn: They’re all dudes.

Anduin Wrynn: What? Really?

Varian Wrynn: Trust me. I learned this the hard way. You don’t want to be messing with any of them.

Anduin Wrynn: Well, if I am missing from my position in Stormwind Keep for about fifteen minutes at a time, three or four times a day, it’s not because I’ve been kidnapped by the Horde, so don’t come looking for me.

Varian Wrynn: When have I ever expressed concern or affection for you?

Anduin Wrynn: Yeah, you are a pretty terrible father. Thanks for abandoning me for four years to be raised by a dragon, by the way.

Varian Wrynn: Daddy has a lot on his plate.

Anduin Wrynn: What happened to my mother, anyway?

Varian Wrynn: Go to your room.

ANDUIN LEAVES.

SAYGE THE FORTUNE TELLER ENTERS.

Sayge: He has grown strong.

Varian Wrynn: Yes, he’s all right.

Sayge: And yet, this development troubles you, does it not?

Varian Wrynn: I dunno. I don’t really do a lot of thinking.

Sayge: But you perceive the patterns of fate. Shortly after your return, Bolvar Fordragon met his destiny at the Wrath Gate. Muradin Bronzebeard was discovered alive in Northrend, and Magni subsequently turned into stone for some poorly-explained reason. Baine Bloodhoof appeared, and Cairne died in some kind of convoluted misunderstanding. Garrosh Hellscream showed up, and Thrall got bumped out of a job. And now, Anduin has a unique model. A successor is being groomed for you, King. This does not bode well.

Varian Wrynn: Yeah, but I am the most universally beloved character in all the Warcraft lore. What could possibly happen to me?

DEEPHOLM, OR POSSIBLY THE PEAK OF BLACKROCK MOUNTAIN, OR MAYBE SOMEWHERE IN TWILIGHT HIGHLANDS, TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER:

Alexstrasza: The efforts of the heroes have weakened Deathwing, but my powers alone cannot beat him.

Thrall: The Earth-Warder cannot withstand the might of the elements.

Velen: Well, in that case, why didn’t you do something about him twelve to eighteen months ago?

Thrall: I’ve had a lot of stuff going on. Shut up.

Malfurion Stormrage: I can probably stop him with my druidic magic.

Garrosh Hellscream: You don't get to be in the climactic battle, Elf. Nobody likes you. Anyway, I got this. Deathwing has a face. I’ve got an axe. I’m pretty sure I can make this work.

Alexstrasza: Silence! Only one thing can stop the rampaging Destroyer. His might, you see, comes from his chin. He can only be nullified by a counter-chin of equal mass. But both chins will be destroyed in the process.

Varian Wrynn: Uh-oh.

Sayge: Called that! Boo-Yah.

I feel pressured to replace my epics with greens

2010-12-14T15:50:00.000-08:00

Quest-giver: Thanks, Crawford the Magnificent, for killing all those rock elementals. My children are going to eat tonight.

Crawford: They're going to eat the rock elementals?

Quest-giver: Sure. Why not?

Crawford: Rock elementals are made of rocks.

Quest-giver: So?

Crawford: I'm just saying, if I had a kid, I would not feed it jagged shards of rock.

Quest-giver: Who are you to judge me?

Crawford: Look, man, I'm just saying.

Quest-giver: No. You're this guy who is just going to come down to where I live, parade around on your 310% speed epic flying mount, and tell me how I should be raising my kids. I have seven gold, and now I have to give it to you for killing the rock elementals.

Crawford: I didn't mean anything by it.

Quest-giver: Nobody ever means anything, but the things you say still hurt.

Crawford: Sorry, dude.

Quest-giver: You don't know the circumstances. Everyone says, come to Deepholm, Quest-giver. You can't walk six feet without tripping over an elementium vein, they said. Then came the hotfix.

Crawford: That's rough.

Quest-giver: I can't leave, because we'd take a bath on the house, the market being what it is. So, yeah. My kids eat rocks now. The rocks cut up their gums and they cry all night. But at least there will be plenty of rocks tonight, thanks to you, o illustrious hero of the Alliance.

Crawford: Look, I'm detecting some hostility here.

Quest-giver: Hostility? Heck no. I want to give you something. A present, as a sign of my bottomless gratitude. Here. Take this.

Item: Quest-Giver's Subprime Mantle of Financial Illiteracy
Binds when picked up
230 Stamina
153 Intellect (not that it's going to help you any)
Increases Your critical strike rating by 96
Increases your mastery rating by 104, but not in areas related to business.

Crawford: Uh, thanks.

Quest-giver: Put it on.

Crawford: Maybe I will later.

Quest-giver: Put it on now. I want to see how it looks on you.

Crawford: Well, it's just that the shoulders I'm wearing came from Icecrown Citadel.

Quest-giver: So? Out with the old, in with the new.

Crawford: I don't know.

Quest-giver: I see, so those shoulders came from a castle, and these came from a moron who lives in a giant hole in the ground and feeds his kids rocks.

Crawford: No, it's not that. It's just that I don't want to break my set bonus.

Quest-giver: The stats on these are really good.

Crawford: But the old ones have cool particle effects.

Quest-giver: You know, some people actually prefer to wear clothes that are not on fire all the time.

Crawford: These have my Sons of Hodir inscription on them.

Quest-giver: You're making this really awkward. My dignity is the last thing I've got here.

Crawford: Well, take back the shoulders, and then you will have those, too.

Quest-giver: No. Those are a gift. Put them on.

Crawford: Fine.

A Minor NPC Has Big Dreams

2010-12-09T08:41:00.000-08:00

A sad man, living a life of misery.

Nobody believes me when I tell them that, one day, I’m gonna be a major lore character. My buddy Sraaz, the Ironforge Pie Vendor, thinks I’m downright insane.

“The game has thousands of quest-givers and vendors and named targets,” he always tells me. “But there are only a few dozen raid bosses and even fewer characters with story roles.”

And maybe that’s true for most NPCs. But I have the drive, the talent and the star quality to beat the odds.

“No, you don’t” says Sraaz. “You’re a nerdy reference to Tolkien. You’re a joke.”

“You start out as a joke,” I say. “Then, you become a meme. And then you become beloved. And then you’re standing behind Rhonin in the cut-scene, nodding somberly about how grave the threat to the future of Azeroth is this time.”

That’s true, isn’t it? That’s how the red-shirt guy got up on the dais in the Ironforge throne room.

“You give out the quest where players have to run around collecting pieces of dragon poop,” Sraaz says. “That’s your role in the game. It’s not a position with upward mobility.”

“People love those quests,” I say. “That’s why Blizz keeps putting them in.”

“In the follow-up quest, the players throw the poop at you,” he reminds me.

“So, I have an established conflict with them when I turn up again later as a raid boss.”

“Your name is Bladdergass the Brown,” Sraaz reminds me.

“I know. I didn’t forget my name. And If I did, it’s right above my head in big green letters.”

“Along with your title, Stenchmeister.”

“And Elling Trias was just the Master of Cheese before somebody tapped him to be involved in the S:I7 quest-line,” I say. “And Nat Pagle was just a fishing trainer, before somebody decided it would be funny to use him as a red herring about the Ashbringer.”

Sraaz is shaking his head, but I’m on a roll now.

“Tirion Fordring started out as a regular quest-giver,” I say. “Now his in-game model is twelve feet tall. Bolvar Fordragon was just the guy standing around Stormwind Keep, until Blizz buffed him so he could kill the dragonkin that spawned during the Onyxia attunement quest. Now, that dude is Lich King.”

“That’s your plan?” Sraaz’s lips peel back off of clenched teeth. A fat blue vein is throbbing on the right side of his head. “You think you’re going to be Stenchmeister Bladdergass, the Lich King?”

“Why not?” I ask.

“Why not?”

“Why not?”

“I’ll tell you why not,” says Sraaz the pie vendor. “For the last six years, I’ve been patrolling the halls of Ironforge, seven days a week. I get about four hours off on Tuesday mornings, and, the last couple of years, it’s not even every Tuesday. In those six years of grueling labor, I have sold a total of fifty-three pies.”

“On this server?”

“Worldwide.”

“Jeez.”

“Thirty-two of them sold on the same day to an RP guild that held an in-game pie-eating contest.”

“That sounds like fun.”

“It was not,” he says. “It was the opposite of fun. After that, those guys took a long, hard look at how they were spending their lives, and they did not like what they saw.”

“I can’t believe that you only sold fifty-three pies.”

"Nobody wants a pie in Ironforge. And nobody is going to go looking for the vendor that patrols around randomly. If people want to buy food for some reason, they buy it from the Innkeeper who is standing right next to them when they hearth into the city.”

“That is rough.”

“You don’t get health insurance when you sell only fifty pies in six years,” Sraaz says. “And every time a Horde rogue sneaks into Ironforge, I get stabbed in the neck.” He pulls down his shirt collar and shows me his throat, which is cris-crossed with fat, shiny scars.

“I put in papers for a transfer this expansion,” Sraaz says. “I thought I could be a named elite in Throne of the Four Winds. You know, pie in the sky. They told me they like me where I am. They said they like the holiday achievement where people have to kiss me on Valentine’s Day.”

“Well, it’s neat that you get an achievement,” I say.

“It’s just a cruel reminder that nobody really loves me,” Sraaz says.

“Well people will really love me,” I tell him. “You’ll see. I’m gonna be huge.”

If you enjoy magic wands, then you will love this shotgun

2010-10-06T04:29:00.001-07:00

You’ve got a problem. See, your bad-ass Avada Kedavra murder curse requires a six-syllable invocation, and those kids you suck so much at killing figured out that they can stop you with the four-syllable expelliarmus disarming charm. Now that everyone knows your greatest weapon can be countered by the first spell baby wizards learn in magic pre-school, you are kind of a fucking joke. Nobody gives a shit anymore about how you’ve tapped into the dark and forbidden arts, because the dark and forbidden arts are too slow on the draw.

"You meddling kids!"

And I’m not even afraid to tell you that you look stupid, because you don’t scare me anymore. If you try to use your death curse, I’ll just pop your wand out of your hand, and laugh right in your pale, damp, perpetually-scowling face. Your reputation has been downgraded from “He-who-shall-not-be-named” to “that-asshole-who-is-always-dropping-his-wand.” Your black robes and your death’s head mask don’t look that intimidating when you’re on your knees trying to fish your weapon out from underneath the sofa.

I know you Death Eaters are all about hating the Muggles and the crude tools they fashion. But, whatever else you can say about Muggles, they are very good at committing horrific atrocities, while your own techniques are dated, at best. When Muggles set their mind to slaughtering a bunch of children, they don’t spectacularly and repeatedly fail, unlike the Death Eaters. You people kill fewer children annually than the common cold. But I can sell you some exotic Muggle-crafted tools that are far more efficient than your antiquated forbidden curses.

This pretty little thing right here is the TEC-9 semi-automatic machine pistol. It carries a 32-round magazine, and can be easily modified to fire full-automatic. If you want to be faster than a disarming charm, this is your new best friend. In the time it takes to say “Expelliarmus,” this thing can spread a kid’s face across a wall like raspberry jam on a motherfucking scone.

But, since you tend to self-destruct in a spectacular deus ex machina fireball whenever Harry Potter wanders into your general vicinity, you may be worried about the tendency of semi-automatics like the TEC-9 to stovepipe while ejecting spent cartridges, causing the weapons to jam or backfire. Well, in that case, you might like something like this .45 Magnum revolver. It has a slower rate of fire, but it’s still faster than magical invocations. And it does a lot of damage, which I think you will appreciate. This puppy can blow a hole in a human torso the size of a half-giant’s fist. You know that problem you keep having, where you think you killed somebody, but then they dramatically turn out to still be alive, and they show up at the last minute to save the day? Well, that wouldn’t keep happening if you double-tapped those bitches with a goddamn .45.

Remember that time you tried to use Avada Kedavra, and you got colossally wrecked by a baby? Remember how it turned out that Avada Kedavra doesn’t work on anyone whose mother loves them? Everybody’s mother loves them, dude. That’s why you always lose. But, what I have right here is a twelve-gauge pump-action shotgun. If you skipped Avada Kedavra and used a shotgun, you’d be the king of the wizards. Instead, you’re spending most of your time sitting in a basement someplace wondering where your nose went. Let me tell you something about a shotgun: a shotgun doesn’t care how much some baby’s mother loves him. A shotgun will fuck up that baby’s shit.

And if you’re really ready to lay down some galleons, I’ve got a case of something called rocket-propelled grenades. You won’t believe what one of these bad boys will do to a unicorn.

Now on Twitter

2010-08-21T06:08:00.000-07:00

You need to be following my Tweets, twitts!

Diary of a Starcraft Player

2010-08-21T06:07:00.001-07:00

Day 1: Photon cannon rush. God, I am talented.

Day 2: Photon cannon rush. Then void rays. This game never gets boring.

Day 3: Mix it up a little. Proxy gateway. Zealot rush.

Day 4: My keyboard is sticky. So are my armpits.

Day 5: I built a Colossus. It didn't work well for me. Posted a thread on forums about how Colossus should be buffed. Also, how Void Rays should have more HP.

Day 6: Posted a thread on forum asking if anyone knows how to clean a skidmark off of my computer chair.

Day 7: Psionic Storm should really be autocast. Posted a thread on the forum about how Templar are too hard to use. Other posters suggested I make them into Archons. I think they should just remove the Templar unit and let me spawn Archons from the Gateway.

Day 8: Photon Cannon rush. I now have the 250 wins portrait. Some guy posted about how zerg need a buff and I told him to talk about balance when he gets to diamond league. Noob.

Day 9: Something is smelly in here, and I am pretty sure it is not me, because I sprayed myself down with Febreze a couple of days ago.

Day 10: Photon Cannon rush. This game never gets boring

More Starcraft: A Reading From The Sacred Book of Zerg

2010-08-04T12:49:00.001-07:00

"My faith is my shield."

A zergling once said to the Overmind: "I want to believe in you, but how can I keep my faith, when the life of a zergling is so very brief and full of suffering?"

And the Overmind said unto the zergling: "Look back at the path thou hast trod all of thine life. You will see there are two sets of footprints, for where you have walked through torment and trial, I have walked beside you."

And the zergling looked back and saw that, for much of the way, there were, indeed, two sets of footprints, but sometimes, where he had endured the harshest difficulties, he saw only one set.

"But Overmind," the zergling said. "What about the places where my journey was the most painful? When I look at those spots, I see only one set of footprints. You abandoned me."

"I did not abandon you, my child," said the Overmind. "Those places where you see only one set of footprints are the places where I sent in Mutalisk air support."

In honor of Starcraft 2: Advice from Kerrigan, Queen of Blades

2010-08-03T00:20:00.000-07:00

"You need a plan for self-actualization, Girlfriend."

Love is Patient

Dear Kerrigan,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He can be very sweet, but he doesn't have a job and he spends every night playing video games. Whenever I ask him to spend time with me, he says he can't because it's raid night and he is the tank. I don't want to begrudge him the time he spends with his friends, but it seems like every night is raid night.

My mom says, if I love him and I am patient, he'll see what I'm worth and he'll change. But my friends say a man will never change, so I should either get used to it, or get out. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Konfused on Korhal

Kerrigan Sez:

Dear Konfused,

Your story reminds me of the time I fell in love with the acid-spewing canopy-crawlers of Forest-world VI. Whenever I tried to get close to them, they fired jets of hot bile at me and then went scampering off through the treetops. But I knew how to make them come around; I ordered my cerebrates to build a hive cluster, and then we systematically consumed all the organic life, until the entire planet was barren and covered with creep. We've since incorporated the genetic material of the canopy crawlers into our new banelings, and I just couldn't be happier.

The moral of the story is this: if you wait for a man to change, you'll be waiting forever, no matter how much you love him. You must force him to assimilate. Once you do, he will be compliant, although he will have a slightly increased tendency to explode.

But, whatever happens with your boyfriend, keep in mind that it won't matter in the long run. The Zerg are going to kill all of you anyway.

Keep the faith, Sister.
Kerrigan

Career Change

Dear Kerrigan,

Since I was a young Protoss, I always wanted to be a Dragoon. As soon as I was of age, I applied to Dragoon school, and after seven years of rigorous training, I achieved my goal. I got everything I thought I wanted, and I've never been so unhappy.

Being a dragoon seems glamorous from a distance, but much of the day-to-day work is unpleasant and distasteful. And the recession has really pinched dragooning opportunities; there have been numerous rounds of layoffs in my company, and if they can cut the templars, nobody is safe. I've been having panic attacks.

I really want to leave my job and do something different, but I'm so heavily invested in my career. I have a lot of student debt, and I am also physically fused into the dragoon exoskeleton.

Is there a way to be happy doing what I'm doing? Is it crazy for me to consider a career change?

Sincerely,
My Life For Aiur

Kerrigan Sez:

Dear Aiur,

The solution to your problem is the same as the solution to most other problems: the Swarm. We have experienced professional zerglings on call 24/7 to quickly dismantle your exoskeleton. We also offer the fastest retraining program in the galaxy, available to you at no charge. You won't believe how quickly you'll be put to use serving the Swarm!

And you'll have my guarantee that once you make the decision to walk into a hive of Zerg, you'll never again have to worry about your student loans or your career prospects again.

Remember: The Zerg are just here to help.

Kisses,
Kerrigan

If it comes down to this or more time on your game-card...

2010-08-02T07:55:00.000-07:00

My novel, "Don't Ever Get Old" has been acquired by Thomas Dunne Books/St. Martin's Press. It will be out in hardcover in early 2012, which means the ETA is slightly sooner than the much-needed nerf to overpowered Terrans.

I know you were planning to get a paid name/race change so your Blood Elf paladin Legoluls could become a Worgen named Lolteamjacob, but I think you should stick with the Horde and set the money aside to by my book in hardcover.

Behind the scenes at Blizzard Studios

2010-07-02T00:04:00.000-07:00

Lead Designer: Hey, are you busy?

Artist: I got time. What's up?

Lead Designer: We need you to work on something for us. A character model It's kind of important.

Artist: All right.

Lead Designer: We're putting a lot of trust in you, to give you this assignment.

Artist: I'll try not to disappoint you.

Lead Designer: That's not even an option. We're up against deadlines. Can you handle major responsibility on this project?

Artist: I'm ready.

Lead Designer: Okay. I need you to make us a catdog.

Artist: A what? A hot dog?

Lead Designer: A catdog. Half cat. Half dog. But more badass. Like, half lion, half wolf.

Artist: Are you fucking with me here?

Lead Designer: If you're not up to the task, I can give it to somebody else.

Artist: You're serious?

Lead Designer: Have you read Tirion Fordring's dialog? I wrote that. I basically have no sense of humor.

Artist: You need a very important...

Lead Designer: Catdog. This is the cat form for Worgen druid player characters. The players spend hundreds of hours looking at these models. There's no art asset in the game that's more important.

Artist: Half Cat, Half Dog?

Lead Designer: More like half dog, half cat. Maybe, like, a 60/40 split. And badass. Don't forget to make it badass.

Artist: I'll try to figure out how to make that work.

Lead Designer: Do or do not. There is no try.

Artist: Right.

Lead Designer: Your boss told us you were the man for this job. Very high praise, you know. That guy is a legend. He invented the Bearcow.

"As a werewolf-catman, I am full of contradictions"

A Guy Walks into a Psychiatrist's office...

2010-07-01T14:03:00.000-07:00

Therapist: What brings here today, Mr.—

Kologarn: KOLOGARN.

Therapist: Right. What brings you here, Mr. Kologarn?

Kologarn: LAST WEEK, I FELT A TIGHTNESS IN MY CHEST. LIKE SOMETHING WAS SQUEEZING THE LIFE OUT OF ME. I HAD TO LIE DOWN. MY REGULAR DOCTOR SAYS NOTHING IS PHYSICALLY WRONG WITH ME.

Therapist: He thinks you might be suffering from panic attacks.

Kologarn: THAT GUY IS A JACKASS. I ONLY GO TO HIM BECAUSE HE IS IN-NETWORK.

Therapist: All the same, I think we should talk about what is going on in your life and maybe we can find a cause for your problems.

Kologarn: UNNECESSARY.

Therapist: Well. Why don’t you humor me? Tell me about your work. When you made the appointment, you told my assistant that you work as, uh, a raid boss in a chasm in Ulduar?

Kologarn: I STAND IN IT.

Therapist: Now I understand that your job is to defeat armies of adventurers who come to loot the ancient sanctum of the Old God Yogg Saron. What does that entail?

Kologarn: THE USUAL. OVERHEAD SMASH. FOCUSED EYEBEAMS. PETRIFYING BREATH. STONE GRIP. RINSE. REPEAT.

Therapist: And this fulfills you?

Kologarn: …

Therapist: You haven’t been satisfied with your career?

Kologarn: THINGS HAVE DRIED UP A LITTLE, LATELY.

Therapist: There haven’t been as many raiders, have there?

Kologarn: THEY NO LONGER COME.

Therapist: It hurts to feel abandoned.

Kologarn: …

Therapist: It’s okay for us to admit we hurt. There’s no shame in it.

Kologarn: ONLY A FLESH WOUND.

Therapist: Okay. And how are your relationships with co-workers?

Kologarn: …

Therapist: It’s difficult, isn’t it? Not having a hard mode?

Kologarn: NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING. BUT I KNOW WHAT THEY’RE ALL THINKING.

Therapist: And how do you feel when your peers treat you with condescension?

Kologarn: …

Therapist: This is a safe space. I promise you. I want you to feel you can trust me. What passes between us stays right here. That door is an inviolable barrier. None shall pass, Mr. Kologarn. None shall pass.

Kologarn: …

Therapist: Do you trust me?

Kologarn: I GUESS.

Therapist: So why have you come here today, Mr. Kologarn?

Kologarn: …

Therapist: It’s okay to talk about your feelings.

Kologarn: …

Therapist: I am ready to listen. I am prepared to hear you.

Kologarn: ...

Therapist: …

Kologarn: I AM VERY SAD.

Therapist: I’m proud of you, Mr. Kologarn. We’ve made a lot of progress today.

In honor of Red Dead Redemption

2010-05-28T21:28:00.001-07:00

How dreadfully embarrassing! I seem to have misinterpreted your gracious invitation, for I have arrived at this event with accouterments completely inappropriate for the afternoon’s planned activities. What an unfortunate faux pas. I certainly have egg on my face, don’t I? I wonder if any of the other attendees might have spare equipment which they could loan to a poor, embarrassed bungler. They do not? Perhaps we could reschedule?

I think, under the circumstances, this comic little misunderstanding was reasonable, and I hope it can be easily resolved. You see, the other day in the saloon, when you and I were both quite tipsy from the barkeep’s fine moonshine whiskey, and we were amorously eyeing the same twenty-five cent harlot. As an object of lust, she wasn’t terribly compelling, but there was a real fire to her spirit, once you looked past her lazy eye and her missing teeth and those strange, oozy yellow-green sores. And, as both of us found our entertainment options limited by the influence of the current macroeconomic tumult upon our personal finances, and since neither of us was in a patient mood, the question of who might have the first roll with her became a topic of some dispute.

As discussions became heated, I called you a dust-sucking sheep rapist, and you intimated that I was a worn-out drunk with a tendency to crawl upon my yellow belly. I expressed my belief that your cross-eyed mother must have been kicked in the belly by a mule to produce offspring as deformed and stupid as yourself. You claimed that my horse looked mangy and accused me of feeding it improperly and neglecting its grooming. Then you spat a thick brown liquid upon the floor, and I spat the juice from my own terbaccky chaw upon your newly-shined boots. You took grave offense.

At that point, negotiations broke down.

Ever helpful, I suggested that the dispute might be satisfactorily resolved were we to make something of it. To illustrate the point, I smashed a whiskey bottle on the bar, and menaced you with its jagged edge. Initially, you seemed amenable to exploring such mechanisms to satisfy our disagreement. However, you felt that the timing was inopportune for such activities; it was more to your convenience to reconvene today, at high-noon. I found I was available, and we made our date.

Based on the tone and context of our previous exchange, I had believed that you had invited me here for purposes of engaging in barroom brawling and fisticuffs, and I came equipped with this here Bowie knife, and a vague plan that I might jam it into your kidneys. Or, you know, cut your throat, or stab you in the eye. But you can imagine my surprise to learn that you had actually intended to invite me to duel with pistols. And here I am, without my sidearm or bandolier.

So, we’re left with a conundrum. If someone would be so kind as to lend me a reliable pistol, I would be happy to shoot you at ten paces. Alternatively, if you’d like to come over here, I’ll stick this knife into your guts. Or we can take a rain check. It’s really up to you.

What's up?

2009-12-02T05:05:00.000-08:00

Here's an article I wrote for The Big Jewel:

http://www.thebigjewel.com/business-school-prepared-me-to-be-the-final-boss-of-a-video-game/

Here's a link to a blog I made for writing-related stuff:

http://somethingpersuasive.blogspot.com/

Also, I now have a literary agent, so I will let anyone who still keeps an eye on this know when I get a book deal.

Kanye Grabs The Mic!

2009-09-17T05:18:00.001-07:00

ANTONY: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;

So let it be with Caesar.

KANYE: Yo, 'scuse me, Antony, I'm just gonna grab hold of the mic for a second if it's okay with you.

ANTONY: Well, I'm kind of trying to do something here, dude.

KANYE: Don't worry. It's cool.

ANTONY: No it's not. It isn't cool at all. I'm delivering my eulogy. This is kind of a big dramatic moment for me.

KANYE: And I'm really happy for you, Antony. I'm going to let you finish, but I want to talk for a minute about my boy, Marcus Brutus.

ANTONY: The noble Brutus
Hath told you -

KANYE: My man Brutus had one of the best assassinations of all time. One of the best assassinations. Of all time.

ANTONY: Uh, Brutus hath told you
Caesar was ambitious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answer'd it.

KANYE: OMG! I'M SOOOO SORRY.

ANTONY: Are we seriously-is this what we're doing now?

KANYE: I JUST TALKED TO ANTONY'S MOTHER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD HAVE SAID.

ANTONY: Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest -

JOE WILSON: You lie!

ANTONY: For Brutus is an honourable man;

JOE WILSON: YOU.

ANTONY: So are they all, all honourable men -

JOE WILSON: LIE.

ANTONY: Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and just to me.

KANYE: BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!

I need some help with my pants.

2009-09-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

Original Thread

To whom it may concern:

Recently, I took part in some rather dashing and valiant heroics in the Argent Coliseum, and as a reward for my bravery, my guild awarded me Kel'Thuzad's Leggings of Triumph.

At first, I was very pleased about getting the loot, but after that initial surge of excitement wore off, I realized that I just can't wear these. The problem, you see, is the smell.

Now, I know Kel'Thuzad was a pretty great warlock, and he wore some pretty great warlocking pants. The stats on these are pretty awesome, and normally I'd feel very fortunate for a chance to wrap my goodies up in 140 spellpower. But these things are, to put it mildly, rank.

I don't know if Kel'Thuzad was too busy exploring the arcane depths of necromancy to pay attention to his personal hygiene or what. I know he was dead for a while. Maybe he was buried in these.

Sometimes, I think they reek of vinegary man-sweat. Sometimes I think they smell like rotting meat. What I know is that these things are just foul.

I do know that the folks at the laundry won't take them. I took them back to the vendor five minutes after I got them, and the crooked little jerk insisted my two hour refund period was already expired.

I don't know what kind of crap Tirion is trying to pull here, handing out used and soiled pants as a reward for killing demon lords and high-ranking lieutenants of the Lich King, but I've had about enough of this. Tell Tirion I am not pleased to be getting epic rewards that come complete with Kel'Thuzad's Skidmarks of Triumph, along with several other disturbing looking stains of indeterminate origin.

Heroes of the Alliance deserve better treatment.

LOLrus

2009-09-12T03:18:00.000-07:00

Original Thread: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=19820874414&sid=1

FYI: http://www.wowhead.com/?quest=11960

Elder Walrus: "Hi. I'm a walrus. We're the good guys. I promise."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "There are some guys we don't like. Their village is up on that hill."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "So I've got this sack right here."

Player: "I see."

Walrus: "What you are going to do is take this sack over to their village and fill it with their babies. As many babies as you can steal, just go ahead and stuff them in this sack."

Player: "Uh, what?"

Walrus: "Sack full of babies. Bring me a sack full of babies. Like, a dozen."

Player: "I don't know how comfortable I feel doing this."

Walrus: "By the way, the guys we don't like are dog guys, so the babies you're stuffing in a sack are also puppies."

Player: "Seriously?"

Walrus: "Yeah. We're planning for the future. We're raising them to be seeing-eye babies for blind walruses. It's totally charitable."

Player: "But I don't see any of them running around Walrus-town."

Walrus: "Dude. Don't worry. We're totally not going to eat the babies. Do I look like a guy who would eat a baby?"

Player: "I didn't say anything about eating them."

Walrus: "Right. That is crazy-talk. But if you want to come back tomorrow around lunchtime and swipe us another sackful, that would be awesome."

I am a BG PvPer

2009-09-11T10:38:00.001-07:00

Original Thread: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=19820633894&postId=198187908744&sid=1#0

I've capped my honor and my marks, but don't worry, buddy, I am still here, standing in the road between Blacksmith and Gold Mine in Arathi Basin, fearlessly clutching my Titansteel Destroyer, and getting ready to bring the thunder. Don't worry, though. I won't Hamstring you as you run by on your mount. I don't even have Hamstring on my click bar, because it doesn't do any damage.

I am the hardcore BGer. When the other side holds every graveyard up to our relief hut in Alterac Valley, my friends and I will bellow our battle cries and defend the keep until the game ends in a resource victory. Did you know AV used to take DAYS to finish a match? It was GLORIOUS. If I could make it take days now, I totally would, because time has no meaning to me. It stops when I am charging into a crowd of enemy players to rack up my 24th death of the match.

Don't fuss at me that the gate is down in Isle of Conquest. I am engaged in epic battle in the quarry with a foolish warlock who was impudent enough to go AFK. My victory here was preordained, and the fact that the enemy has assaulted our keep will do little to diminish my glory when I triumphantly spam my /sit macro over his corpse.

I am a vessel of wrath and a deliverer of truth. I care not for Strand Demolishers, for I know the only honorable vehicle is a Wintergrasp Catapult. I need no honor and I scoff at marks. I can't buy anything anyway, because I will not duel in a box for gear. I should get gear for my deeds on the field of Battlegrounds, without having to prove anything to any arena scrubs.

The game has gotten worse, lately, for hardcore BGers like me. The reduced resources required for victory mean that I get less time in each battle to control the vital roads of Arathi Basin, or battle valiantly for the flag in Eye of the Storm. In Warsong Gulch, where flags matter less than in Eye, a new time limit has curtailed the joyful midfield heroics I love undertaking as the cowardly flag carriers hide in their bases.

But, despite these setbacks, I will persevere. As I've honed my skills, my teams have begun winning as many as one game in six, a vast improvement over prior performance. When other players see that I am on their side, they groan and mutter under their breath, because they know that, in this battle, their deeds will be overshadowed, for they walk with a titan (I specced into Titan's Grip, even though I don't have a second 2H yet).

They will never match my boldness. They will never match my ferocity. They will never match my dogged sense of purpose. I don't stop to gem my sockets. I don't stop to enchant my gear. I am a killing machine with only one setting, and that setting is kill.

Lore: WOW's Story So Far (A Rick Knaak Joint)

2009-08-20T10:44:00.000-07:00

Original Thread Here.

Stormwind and the Defias masons disagreed over payment. Led by Van Cleef and manipulated by Onyxia, the Defias kidnapped Varian.

Rhonin went to Westfall, killed Van Cleef in the Deadmines, and then stopped by Gnomeregan to set Thermaplugg on fire and save the Gnomes.

Then he went to Theramore, pushed Varian out of the way, just as Onyxia was about to deep-breath him, and pwned her face off. Krasus tanked the whelps.

To celebrate, Rhonin and Jaina Proudmoore totally hooked up.

Then Rhonin went down to Blackrock Depths, killed Emperor Dagram Thaurissan, and fathered the heir to the throne of Ironforge with the extremely grateful Moira Bronzebeard. But he wasn't done yet; the Dark Iron Dwarves were doing the bidding of Ragnaros the Firelord, so Rhonin went down to Molten Core and beat the crap out of everybody.

"TOO SOON," bellowed Ragnaros.

But Rhonin was all: "It's never too soon to party, Rhonin-style."

And then he beat Ragnaros to death with his own hammer, because Rhonin is the only Mage who ever had the mad skillz to train two-handed maces.

On the way out of Blackrock Mountain, Rhonin went to the spire and pwned Nefarian. He saved Vaelestrasz the Red, and the two did a celebratory chest-bump.

Rhonin took a vacation to Zul'Gurub and strangled Hakkar the God of Blood with his bare hands. Now the trolls there worship Rhonin.

About this time, something started to stir behind the gate of shifting sands in Silithus, so Rhonin rolled in there, riding on a giant bug for some reason, and started pwning everything.

And C'thun was all: "I'm gonna eat you."

But Rhonin was like: "Nuh-uh."

And then all the raptors and devilsaurs in Un'Goro came and ate C'thun's face off, because they're friends with Rhonin.

Then the dark portal opened, and Rhonin was the only one who went through. He went to Shattrath and met A'dal, a being of pure light and infinite power. Rhonin and A'dal totally hooked up. Then Rhonin came back to Azeroth and went to Karazhan where he climbed to the top and met Prince Malchezzar of the Eredar.

And Malchezzar goes: "You face not Malchezzar alone, but the legions I command."

But Rhonin was all: "I'll beat you up in front of all ur doods."

And he did.

Rhonin went back to Zangarmarsh, where the Naga were doing something in a lake. But they stopped when Lady Vashjj saw how hot Rhonin was looking in his purple Kirin Tor robe, with his flowing hair like crimson fire. So the two of them totally got it on.

Then Rhonin invented flying weapons and beat up Kael'Thas with them.

Illidan showed up, and Maiev was all like: "It is my charge to stop him."

But Rhonin goes: "Chill, Baby, I taught this guy everything he knows."

"The student has become the master," said Illidan. "You are not prepared."

"Yes I am," Rhonin said. And he punched his fist straight through Illidan's chest.

"I taught you everything you know, but I didn't teach you everything I know," Rhonin said, putting on a pair of totally awesome sunglasses.

Illidan watched helplessly as Rhonin ate his still-beating heart like an apple.

Then Rhonin and Maiev hooked up.

On the way to Northrend, Rhonin shoved KilJaeden back into the Sunwell, and was named King of the Blood Elves.

When Rhonin got to Borean Tundra, Malygos was there, and he said "I am very angry because you're way better than me at magic. So I brought all my blue dragons to beat you up."

"Oh yeah?" Rhonin said. "Well, I am going to bring my whole city of Dalaran to back me up." And he made it fly, because that is how Rhonin rolls.

But he beat up Malygos all by himself anyway

Then he had an arm wrestling contest with Kel-Thuzad, and won.

After that, Rhonin was kind of bored, so he went to Ulduar and hooked up with Auriaya and Freya at the same time. He also got the world-first Yogg+0 achievement.

And Algalon said: "I was going to destroy the entire world, but now I won't because you are so awesome, Rhonin."

And the two did a chest bump.

Then Rhonin decided it would be fun to build a coliseum. And that is the story so far.

Tirion's Call Is Going Straight To Voice Mail

2009-08-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

Original Thread Here: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=19377969852&postId=193582679933&sid=1#0

Please Check out the CollegeHumor article as well: http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789696

The power of the Lich King is nearing its peak. If the living cannot align against him, all hope will be lost, and the Scourge will destroy all that is pure in Azeroth.

With precious time running short, Tirion Fordring, the leader of the Argent Crusade, sounds the call, to muster the forces of Light to Northrend, to join the Crusade in its final battle at the base of the foreboding Icecrown Citadel.

But not everyone will answer:

Hi. You've reached Lord Genn Greymane. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now. Things have been a little hairy around here lately.

If you are calling with regard to any solicitation, there is a reason we built that huge wall, but you may want to visit us in person during the full moon. We're usually available in the evenings. Around dinnertime.

If your call is related to our participation in the Alliance, we may be able to discuss the matter "soon." Otherwise, please leave a message.

*Click*

High. You've reached Khadgar. I can't come to the phone right now, because I am really busy in Shattrath. Doing stuff. Important stuff. Lot's of irons in the fire. Seriously. Leave one, and I'll hit you back.

*Click*

Hi. You've reached the Hydraxian Waterlords, your one-stop shop for all your rune dousing needs.

Here at the Hydraxian Waterlords, we are fully capable of wielding the inconceivable power of Neptulon the Tidehunter. But we choose to devote our attention to runes and dousing them, so you can enjoy the best in Aqual Quintessence. When you need runes doused, just tell your raid to wait while you fly out to Azshara.

For all inquiries regarding rune-dousing, please use our new automated support system. To continue in Darnassian, please press 1.

*Click*

Kind greetings and salutations. You have reached the University of Ogri'La. If you are calling to inquire about our search for new faculty to lead our graduate program in advanced apexis crystal chemistry, please send your curriculum vitae and any relevant publications to Professor Grok, who is leading our search.

If you are calling with regard to "The Blade's Edge," our literary magazine, unfortunately, we're closed for submissions for the Fall issue. We thank all our contributors, and we urge everyone who didn't make it this time to resubmit for the Winter quarter.

If you are calling about Northrend, or any activities going on up there, WE NO UNDERSTAND. STINKY FART. HA HA. SMASH WITH CLUB.

*Click*

Shiver Me Timbers! Ye've reached the Bloodsail Buccaneers!

For YARRRRR, please press 1.

For ARRRRRR, please press 2.

For WALK TEH PLANK, please press 3.

For anything else, please call back during normal business hours.

*Click*

Massachusetts Law Enforcement: A 300 Year Tradition

2009-08-19T12:42:00.000-07:00

National Article at CollegeHumor.com. Go there. Like it. Comment upon it.

Even where one is so fortunate, whether by circumstance or reputation, as to be held in pre-eminent standing amongst his fellowes, he may, nonetheless, be subjected to humiliation at the whim or caprice of the motherf*cking five-oh.
-from Poor Richard's Almanack

Eadric The Pure Has a Message For you

2009-08-10T00:25:00.000-07:00

It's a very simple request.

Free Epics for Casuals

2009-08-10T00:22:00.001-07:00

Original Thread here http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=19110025964&sid=1

I have gotten really bored with hearing this. People are always whining about how Heroics shouldn't drop epics, badges shouldn't drop epics, PVP shouldn't sell epics, regular ToC shouldn't have epics.

This is completely infantile, because the idea of item quality has been completely meaningless for all purposes except determining vendor price and what an item will disenchant into.

The stat budget for an item is determined by item quality and item level. In the original design, the item level determined the character level that could use different items, and the plan was for each successive tier of raid loot to scale up by a degree of item quality.

But even before release, Blizzard decided to make all raid loot purple "epic" quality, and scale using the ilvl modifier rather than the item quality modifier.

There were some experiments with scaling the blues up higher in ZG and AQ 20, but once some blues were better than some epics, people got really confused, and Blizzard stopped doing it.

In the current system, there is a flat cap at ilvl 200, and there are no blue items above it. Blue items similarly capped at 115 in BC. There is no upgrade from a heroic/max level blue other than an epic, and designing things any other way makes itemization unnecessarily confusing.

However, each tier of epic upgrades improves the epic gear of the people who are on the cutting edge of content by a margin that is roughly equivalent to the difference between a heroic blue item and an entry level (Heroic/Regular TOC/Naxx 10) epic. The purple text is completely meaningless; the gap between somebody in heroic blues and somebody in BIS gear prior to the ulduar release is much smaller than the gap between somebody wearing ilvl 200 epics and somebody who is geared from regular mode Coliseum 25.

All these free "epic" loots merely signify an additional tier of progression for players who don't commit to the game beyond what is necessary to do 5 man instances. And this stuff is still an unprecedented 4 tiers below the cutting edge.

The Heroic TOC and badge loot also gives new players a shortcut into current tiers of content, which is crucial, because very few people were doing heroics and 10 man naxx before the badge change. It's logistically unfeasible to demand that new players gear up in content that nobody is using.

It is totally absurd to suggest that giving low-end players "epics" somehow cheapens anything (except maybe abyss shards, which were inflated in value relative to predecessor items).

Lich King Raps

2009-08-07T12:00:00.001-07:00

Yo, Whatup, this is Arthas Menethil, tha Lich King, comin’ at ya’.
We got KT on the track today, and we got Nubby-B, traitor king of tha spiders.
This one’s going out to all the haters in the Horde and the Alliance.

Rhonin the Red-Haired, the chief Mary Sue,
We’ll all be disappointed if I don’t get to kill you.
You can use all your magic, I’ll throw much worse back
Ain’t nobody can save you, not even Rick Knaak.
I’ll Scourge you up, then I’ll turn you out.
Necropolis Dalaran is what I’m talkin’ about.

That’s right.

Yo, what up, Magni? I heard your daughter’s a slut.
That’s what Thaurissan told me ‘fore he busted his nut.
Bitch ain’t got self-respect, that bitch ain’t got no class,
He took her down to BRD and then he tapped that ass.
Now Moira’s sporting the bump, unless my lich eyes fail.
We’ll toast the new prince of Dwarves with Dark Iron Ale.

Yeah. You all know it be true.

Tirion Fordring, you’re facing the Lich King.
You got the Ashbringer. Is that all you can bring?
You think you’ll save the day, but here’s what I know:
You came all this way, just to die in the snow.
I got the Frostmourne and the Frozen Throne.
If you knew what was best, you would leave me alone.
Think you can raid Icecrown? Think you all heroic?
Every one of you raiders will be suckin’ my dick.
And when you get sick of kissin’ my balls with your lips,
You can all run away, except I burned your ships.
That’s how I roll, Motherfuckers!

Give it up, ya’ll.

Sylvanas once was a high elf, or some kind of fairy.
That bitch screamed real good when I was bustin’ her cherry.
She says she’s the Forsaken, ‘cause she misses my nuts.
But I caught the Black Arrow when I went up in her guts.
Keep trustin’ them Dreadlords, that’s the smart way to go.
Undead, stop getting’ led by an elf bitch gone emo.

‘Fore I give this up, I got one more shout, for my ol’ girl.

Jaina Proudmoore, outta Theramore,
She don’t like me now, but I fucked that whore.
Girl, I know Thrall can’t dick you the way that you like.
He’s got a little green ween; I got this massive spike.
You said my culling in Stratholme was making you sick.
But you said something else when you were up on my dick.

I’m the Lich King, ya’ll, and I am outtie.

Call of the Crusade: The Musical

2009-08-06T12:41:00.000-07:00

Original Post Here:

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=19110153166&postId=191083830366&sid=1#0

Scene: The Recently completed ARGENT COLISEUM. HARDCORE enters from stage right. He is resplendent in Tier 8.5 and hard mode epics. CASUAL enters from stage left. He is wearing mostly blues and two pieces of Hateful Gladiator PVP gear; he carries a Titansteel Destroyer, dragging it behind him as though it is very heavy. They regard each other contemptuously, then they both look ruefully toward the COLISEUM, and then back to each other.

Hardcore: I hate you.

Casual: And I hate you.

Both: And both of us hate Three-point-two!

Hardcore: What the hell is this Crusade?

Casual: We don't need another raid!

Hardcore: Four timers a week for the same content? This grind is without precedent!

Casual: Exalted rep for daily quests? Why such demands? This game's a mess!

Both: This is the worst patch that we've seen yet! I can't believe that they nerfed Ret. Please revert the game to one-point-eight, because you've added all this stuff we hate!

Hardcore: Free Conquest epics from heroics mock the work that I have done.

Casual: His weapon's much better than mine, so I'm not having any fun.

Hardcore: But you don't need good gear anyway.

Casual: I'm owed rewards for all I play.

Hardcore: You can't be playing all that much.

Casual: Six hours a day; odd times, and such.

Hardcore: PUG groups clear Naxx, haven't you heard?

Casual: No time to raid, you silly nerd.

Both: This is the worst patch we've ever had. King Varian Wrynn is a deadbeat dad. This game was best before B.C. It will just get worse in Three-point-three!

Casual: I own the place in Battlegrounds. We sometimes win when I'm around. You're only in the Gulch to grind; you let them win when we're a cap behind. Now it's over all too fast. I really like my games to last.

Hardcore: What's the deal with all your hating? What is your arena rating?

Casual: Arena doesn't measure skills. Look at all my honor kills.

Hardcore: I wiped and wiped on Malygos, and hard-mode Sarth with every drake. His gear's as good from Violet Hold, that place is such a piece of cake. My guild and I, we work and struggle, 'til we persevere at last. And now you give him epic loot, though he won't learn to play his class.

Casual: What does it matter what I've got? You seem to care an awful lot.

Hardcore: I've got a right to two-shot you. My God, I hate this Three-Point-Two.

(They /dance)

A Chorus of NIGHT ELF BEAR FORM DRUIDS enter.

Druids: This is the worst patch we can recall. We do not like our new art at all. We want to have the old art back. We look so dumb when we attack.

All: This is the worst patch we've ever had. Even Ahn'Qiraj was not this bad. We need unique art for each class set. And we need more buffs for Ret.

Hardcore: Buffs for Ret!

Druids: And Moonkins too!

Casual: Buffs for Ret!

All: Yes we need more buffs for Ret!

(Pause for applause)

CURTAIN

An Open Letter to Sam Raimi

2009-08-02T13:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Sam,

I'm Crawford, the best and wisest of the Warcraft General forum posters. I am known throughout the land as a speaker of profound truths and persuasive lies. Since you're new around here, you may not know yet, but I am kind of a big deal. We should definitely hang out some time.

I heard you were attached to direct the long-promised Warcraft picture. So, welcome to our world. Of warcraft.

You've got an awesome track record; the domestic box-office grosses on your "Spider-Man" films have totaled more than a billion. Your latest film, "Drag Me To Hell" got the best reviews of any horror movie in recent memory. You gave us nuanced, character-driven suspense in "A Simple Plan" and Katie Holmes's naked bazooms in "The Gift." For this above all, we are eternally grateful.

Those "Evil Dead" films were pretty okay as well.

But you've never been up against anything like this. Consider yourself warned.

Lots of people have made movies out of video games, but nobody has ever made a good one. The best one ever made is Paul W. S. Anderson's masterpiece, "Resident Evil." And how good is "Resident Evil"? Well, Paul W. S. Anderson's entire career is based on the fact that people fund his movies because they mistakenly believe he is Paul Thomas Anderson. "Resident Evil" is a movie nobody should ever watch, because they can just watch "Evil Dead 2" again. And that is as good as these get. The dean of the video game film auteurs is a gentleman named Uwe Boll, and critics would rather let him punch them in the face than watch one of his movies.

And that is merely the shape of the terrain. Wait until you meet the inhabitants. If you thought the "Spider-Man" fans were a bunch of obsessive weirdos, you're going to learn how much worse things can get. World of Warcraft isn't just a hobby; it's a place people live, and the folk who dwell in this strange country will not welcome you as a liberator.

So how do you proceed? Well here's my advice:

Once there was this movie about noble adventurers who took on a solemn and urgent quest, with the fate of their world hanging in the balance. It was called "Lord of the Rings." It's totally sweet and we love it. But we have all seen it fifty times.

You know that scene at the end of "Two Towers" where Aragorn and Theoden and their little posse ride out of Helm's Deep to meet the armies of Isengard? Well in Warcraft, we call that "clearing trash," and it bores us.

Don't try and duplicate "Lord of the Rings." It is a doomed endeavor. Don't show us elves speaking urgently, in hushed tones, about fel deeds that must be accomplished. That is SO 2004.

Warcraft is a game played by social misfits who must, nonetheless, form tenuous alliances and work together to kill raid bosses. But these bonds break down as soon as it is time to roll on the loot.

We are not noble. We are not loyal. We are not brave. Our aspirations are petty. Our motives are selfish. Our friendships are brittle. Your film's protagonist should reflect these qualities.

No lore. No quests. No civilization hanging in the balance. No One Ring. Just a character, a monster, a shiny, and a bunch of people the character must pretend to like until he can sponge enough loot to ditch for a better guild.

For example, your film could open with a guild of heroes dividing up the spoils of a raid-boss kill. The "tank," an armored warrior who fights hand-to-hand with giant monsters, wants an item. But the guild's leader awards the coveted piece to a new guild member, because she is a woman.

Enraged, the tank quits the guild, and decides to seek his fortune on his own. He is promptly killed by an ogre.

He awakens as a "forsaken," a zombie, and must now join a team of orcs and trolls, his former enemies. They're his last hope to get the phat loot that is his heart's desire.

There's your setup.

I think we can do this.

You're lucky to have me around.

Sincerely,

Crawford

Yankee Pot Roast

2009-07-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

I've gotten a number of e-mails from my friends from the general forum, asking where I went and what I've been doing, and I will try to come up with some funny Argent Raid jokes when I've had time to see the encounters (Not one but two Jormungers!).

But due to the encouragement from the WoW community, I've been submitting essays to some of the online humor 'zines, and a very popular site called Yankee Pot Roast picked up one of my articles today.

It explores the recent resignation of Alaska governor Sarah Palin.

I would repaste it here for ya'll, but I don't think that would be appropriate since I've given them the article. But you can read it now, at http://www.yankeepotroast.org. (OMG KEYLOGGER).

Guillermo Del Toro Explains the Secrets of his Craft

2009-07-02T06:34:00.000-07:00

Since man first learned to speak, he has yearned to tell his stories. Some of these stories make us laugh, some make us cry. Some are filled with adventure and excitement, while others explore the deep recesses of the human soul.

But every story shares central common elements, the building blocks of narrative and the foundational touchstones of universal experience that make all these types of tales relatable.

Hi, I’m Guillermo Del Toro, director of ‘Mimic,’ ‘Blade 2,’ the ‘Hellboy’ films, and ‘Pan’s Labyrinth,’ and the co-author of the new bestselling novel ‘The Strain.’ Today, I am going to tell you about three indispensable narrative tools you can use to make your fantasy come alive on the page or on the screen.

1. Weird Monster Autopsies

When I was young, I read Herman Melville’s ‘Moby Dick,’ and, while I was enthralled by Captain Ahab’s single minded pursuit of his quarry, the book never really had the crucial payoff. Nobody ever performed an autopsy on the whale.

Recent popular works suffer from similar omissions, to their considerable detriment. I went to see ‘Twilight’ in the theater, and the whole movie, as Robert Pattinson gently flirted with Kristen Stewart, all I could think about was cracking open his torso to see what kind lungs vampires have. Unfortunately, when the credits rolled, Pattinson had not been sufficiently flayed to satisfy my curiosity. This is a failure on the part of the storyteller.

Audiences don’t respond well to this kind of coyness, and as a storyteller, you enter dangerous territory when you provide insufficient detail regarding the anatomy of your creations. Your protagonist should always have an electric bone-saw handy when encountering his adversary, or he should at least know a friendly coroner who can show up to provide a satisfying dissection at a critical point in your narrative.

I’ll promise you this; in my new adaptation of ‘The Hobbit,’ you won’t leave the theater wondering how much Gollum’s brain weighs.

2. Abandoned New York City Subway Tunnels

Greenwich Village is full of tourists, the meatpacking district is full of assholes with frosted tips in skintight rayon shirts, and Brooklyn is full of rich people. The last slice of authentic New York is in its dingy subterranean abandoned subway tunnels, which should always be the backdrop for key events in your story.

There’s really no dramatic scene that can’t be improved by setting it in an abandoned subway tunnel. In my work, I have found the subway to be an ideal place to put a magical fairy kingdom, a society of vampires, a colony of giant bugs, and a giant, vicious dog. But the subways can be a setting for all kinds of adventures.

For example, in the iconic 1974 film ‘Death Wish,’ Charles Bronson found that the subway was a great place to find black people to shoot. And the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles rented a swinging subterranean bachelor pad.

3. Skinny Mimes

Orson Welles had Oja Kodar. Alfred Hitchcock had Grace Kelly. Martin Scorsese had Robert DeNiro. I’ve got Doug Jones, a super-skinny mime with double jointed legs.

If I need a freaky-ass faun to menace some kids, he’s my go-to guy. If I need a weird decomposed dude who speaks in creepy clicking noises, he’s all about that. If I need some kind of a fish guy, my friend is there for me.

Everybody loves mimes and every story needs at least one. If your story is lacking in mimes, your audience is likely to be bored. Remember that a good mime will spend six hours in makeup turning into a mime-monster. So go wild thinking up skinny monsters with expressive body language and you’ll find your work gets a more favorable response.

Once you get all the pieces in place, you can start putting them together into exciting new work. Like the new project I have in development, set to film as soon as we wrap up ‘Hobbit’:

Groovin’ It

Matthew McConaughey plays a hot-shot medical examiner who is as adept with a clever one-liner as he is with a rib-separator. He thinks he’s got it all figured out, until he meets Kate Hudson, an artisan who carves elaborate grooved patterns into stone floors. Suddenly, he’s in love.

Now, with the help of his skinny roommate, Doug Jones, Matt must win the girl of his dreams before she leaves the city forever, to move back to her parents’ castle in a long-lost fairy kingdom. To get to her in time, Matt and Doug will have to race against the clock, through an abandoned subway tunnel.

Will Matt and Kate get together? Will Doug have an adorable B-story about his awkward, halting courtship with Zooey Deschanel? Will somebody get their throat slit, so blood can flow through the grooves in one of those marvelous, intricate floors? You just wait!

Richard A. Knaak

2009-06-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

I'm still a little gun shy about starting a new humor thread on general, until the community team explains why they banned me for the last one. In the mean time, I posted in a discussion about WoW author Richard Knaak, creator of popular Warcraft celebrity Rhonin.

I don't generally read fantasy, and other than my little WoW one-offs, I don't write it. But I have heard so much about Knaak, I had to take a look at one of his first chapters on Amazon. Not good stuff.

More here:

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=18031367696&postId=180294680516&sid=1#242

I haven't persevered enough to read Knaak's warcraft books in their entirety, but just looking at some of his first chapters on Amazon, he really makes a lot of mistakes I would not expect from such a widely published writer. For example, I am looking at Chapter 1 of "The Sundering" right now. The first line is:

Q u o t e:They could smell the stench in the distance and it was difficult to say which was strongest, the acrid smoke rising from the burning landscape or the incessant, almost sweet odor of the slowly decaying dead sprawled by the hundreds across it.

This is not good. First of all, the subject is an unidentified "They." Who? This would be a problem even if the "They" who is smelling the stinkiness was identified immediately in the next sentence. But, in fact, Knaak never tells us who is smelling the corpses or why "they" are trying to decide whether dead are stinkier than the smoke.

Why must he describe the smoke as "acrid"? Why is it necessary to describe the smell of the dead as "incessant"? How does either of these words help the reader? This is what writers call telling rather than showing.

People have an idea what smoke smells like, and people have an idea what rotting meat smells like, and people know that dead decay slowly (slower than what?). A number of these words are unnecessary.

Incredibly, despite the fact that these various smells are described with numerous unnecessary adjectives, the "landscape" is completely undefined. It's not clear whether "they" are in a city or a field or a forest or on a beach. This smelly battlefield is apparently unimportant, as the story quickly segues into a lengthy description of what Malfurion is wearing. If he had written:

Q u o t e:In his hasty retreat from the Burning Legion, Night Elf commander Desdel Stareye had abandoned the dead where they fell, to rot unburied on the charred battlefield.

You have somebody doing something. Stareye is now an active character, retreating and abandoning. And we know he's incompetent because he fled the battlefield and didn't bury his fallen soldiers.

Knaak could have opened with a scene where Malfurion upbraids Stareye for fleeing in disgrace. Instead of telling us that Stareye is an arrogant noble who got the job by default, he could have shown us Stareye arrogantly trying to pull rank on Malfurion, who might retort that Stareye only had his job because everybody qualified was dead.

Then there would be dialog and conflict and something interesting happening. Instead, Knaak begins his novel with three pages of backstory about night elf politics and more description of clothing than you'd see in a "Gossip Girl" book.

Then Rhonin shows up, and his hair and clothes have to be described for 200 words, and when there is finally some kind of interaction between characters, they say stuff like:

Q u o t e:"Elune will watch over her," Rhonin replied steadfastly. "She seems very much a favorite of the Mother Moon." Malfurion could not argue with that reasoning.

and

Q u o t e:"Can even Elune stand up to the darkness of Sargeras?" Rhonin's thick brow arched. "Talk like that won't help any, Malfurion." He glanced behind himself.

and

Q u o t e:"Know that Huln Highmountain stands before you, night elf," said the shaggy bullheaded creature. "Huln of the Eagle Spear!"

Positively scintillating, folks.

Palehoof, on Crawford

2009-06-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=18031133378&postId=180294907402&sid=1#46

"Having been decidedly defeated by your wordsmithery, not as well as I'd like. I bow to a skill far defter than my own.

I didn't think any less of you for what I took as sincere, for what that's worth. There really isn't any level of entitlement or arrogance you could show which I would say without a doubt was not sincere.

I am sorry to have mistaken you, and freely admit I was hoodwinked."

To that, I say:

I AM VERY LARGE.

Edit: Unfortunately, this will not be preserved for posterity on WoW General because they keep deleting my threads. Also, I got a 24 hour forum ban for this.

Free Gear Will Destroy WoW.

2009-06-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

Original thread here:

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=18031133378&sid=1

All right.

Before we start this discussion, I just want to establish for the record that I am awesome.

I kill every boss before everyone else, and when I do, I get first pick of the loot because nobody is seriously going to try to say they deserve it more than me. You say 'hard mode'? I say 'not-hard-enough mode.' Why don't you learn to play?

I am on top of every meter, always. I have been sending weekly e-mails to Blizzard asking them to come out with new meters for me to do better than you on.

Check out my gear. You wish you had this gear. Your guy looks like a hobo. Like a hobo who smells like pee. You could not be any more pathetic. It's kind of like that you are caught in a rain shower, and you reach the point where you stop trying to stay out of the rain because you can't get any wetter. Except the rain is shame and humiliation.

On the other hand, my guy could be waving from the lead float in the pride parade. My stuff freaking sparkles.

Basically, I poop excellence, and I poop frequently.

Now that we've established that, I just want to say that I am outraged that the new emblem system will offer you a mechanism to crawl out of the pit of shame in which you dwell.

When I killed Malygos in January, I got an ilvl 226 necklace, and, when 3.2 goes live in late August or September, you will be able to get a necklace that is slightly worse from running Heroic Violet Hold. In what universe is that fair?

On top of this indignity, you will be able to get two pieces of tier 8, possibly during a period when I will still be using the same equipment. Why should you have that? You will probably gem it for strength. On your mage. Or just leave the socket empty for six months. I don't even think I want to play a game where you have two pieces of gear that are as good as mine.

How can Blizzard even think of providing raid quality gear for badges obtainable in heroics? Nothing like this has ever happened, except the time they nerfed Ragnaros, and the time they added a bunch of fire resist gear to the dark-iron rep to make it easier to kill Ragnaros, and the time they removed the despawn timer from Vaelestrasz, and the time they nerfed Broodlord Lashlayer, and the time they nerfed Chromaggus, and the time they removed the despawn timer from Nefarian, and the time they removed the attunement from Karazhan, and the time they removed the attunements for Serpentshrine and Tempest Keep, and the time they removed the attunements for Black Temple and Mount Hyjal, and the time they put the epic gems that only dropped in end-level raids and raid-quality weapons and armor on the badge vendors on Sunwell Island, and they time they massively nerfed every boss in BC a month before the expansion, and the time they implemented major nerfs to every single boss in Ulduar.

But this is the last straw.

Whose idea was it? Was it Nancy Pelosi's? Seriously, I want to know. If anyone inside Blizzard can talk some sense into the dev team and stop the changes to the Emblem system, I will buy them two tickets to the Glen Beck comedy tour as a thank-you present. Just putting that out there.

A Raid Leader Previews the Isle of Conquest

2009-06-15T14:48:00.000-07:00

Original thread here:

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=17779760867&sid=1

Okay, everybody, it's time to hit up Ulduar. We're going to be trying for Freya's hard mode tonight.

Not you, though, buddy. You've got a much more important task. Yep. You're needed on the Isle of Conquest.

That's right. While we're all raiding, you'll be going to an island somewhere off the shores of Northrend. A rock, hardly worth a second look.

No, wait. That's not what I meant.

It's a test of strength. A chance to prove your might, to crush your enemies, to make a difference, a chance for endless glory and conquest, while everyone else is in Ulduar.

You don't need the petty trappings of lesser players, like loot and achievements and iron proto-drakes. You're too great a player to be distracted by such foolish trifles. No. You keep your eye on the big picture, and the big picture is a picture of you, standing victorious atop whatever people stand atop on the Isle of Conquest, while the rest of us go to Ulduar.

Which strategic location will you capture for your advantage? Will it be the cobalt mine? The airship hangar? the oil derrick? The docks? We really don't care, because we're going to raid. But whatever you do out there, it will be written in legends that none of us will read.

Don't get me wrong. We'll miss you in Ulduar, especially the druids. Without you there, they won't know who to battle res. And the tanks have learned so much about their threat generation deficiencies from the way you rip aggro off of them with your epic spike damage immediately after the pull.

You're not just the kind of player who brings top-notch performance; you elevate the rest of us. And I mean that, dude. But we're going to soldier on without you, because whatever is going on out on Isle of Conquest is really, really important.

Here's a book I wrote about how dumb you are

2009-06-10T03:29:00.000-07:00

This is a real achievement. People actually do this. Okay. I did it. But I sort of just ran by the book spawns when I was in town. I didn't camp them. Took me months. Whoever came up with this idea is an evil, evil person.

The original thread is here:

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=17729923621&sid=1

EDIT: Thread deleted. I think it was the title, so I reposted, here:

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=17729923857&sid=1

From the Desk of Rhonin

Dear Idiot,

I am writing in regard to your recent completion of the "Higher Learning" achievement. Wow. I can't believe you actually did that. We just put that in there as a joke. We didn't think anybody would be dumb enough to actually do what you have done.

I am seriously laughing right now with my hot elf wife about what a total, unmitigated putz you are. We're going to still be laughing about it later, even as we are athletically getting busy, Hogger-style on a bearskin rug. Enjoy the image of me laughing at you while just going totally wild on a beautiful elf-chick.

I mean, partially, I will be laughing because my life is so great. But mostly, I'll be laughing at you. Have you ever touched a girl? Seriously? Did you get arrested for it?

Okay, you look confused. I know that you look confused, even though I am writing this hours before you are reading it, because I am super-awesome and can travel through time, so before I wrote this letter, I traveled to the future and watched how dumb you looked reading your mail, and now I am laughing about that too.

Here's what I did. I invented magic books that appear out of thin air in eight random places, and then created an achievement rewarding you for finding them. But then I made a bunch of other books that can appear and disappear in the same place, instead of the book people want to read for the achievement. So, basically, each book is on the shelf for an average of three minutes every twenty-four hours.

What is so funny is that I know you got the achievement by sitting there, staring at a bookshelf, for hours on end, waiting for a book to magically appear. And when it finally did, it wasn't the right one. That Conjuration book spawns right next to the place where I hang out, so I watched you spend your Saturday night last week staring at that bookshelf for three hours, and then a copy of "Khadgar's Journal" spawned.

But I am glad you've finally done it. So I am enclosing the epic saga, "The Schools of Arcane Magic: Mastery." It's about a holy man who takes an oath celibacy, and dedicates his life to staring at bookshelves. I consider it a satire. I was going to rig it to disappear in three minutes, which would have been kind of awesome, but I actually feel just a little bit sorry for you, so I am going to let you keep it. I hope you enjoy it.

Actually, I did put a little enchantment on it. It will teleport you to Archmage Vargoth's quarters in the spires of Dalaran. That's not a joke on you. It's a joke on him. He loves having really stupid guys appear out of nowhere in his bedroom. Tell him I said to conjure a little elemental that will follow you around pointing and laughing. You're probably dumb enough to think that's a reward, rather than a punishment.

Also, go ahead and spam the achievement in trade chat a few times. I already know you did it, because I was there, in the future. Look how impressed everyone is. This is why I invented the /golfclap.

Peace.

Rhonin, out.

Classified Ads from the Dalaran Daily News

2009-06-07T07:04:00.000-07:00

Original Thread Here:

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=17616372660&sid=1

DOCTOR NEEDED: The free-spirited daughter of a prominent family has gotten herself into a disturbing and unfortunate situation. We are seeking a physician who can fix this problem. Discretion in this matter is greatly appreciated. Please inquire at the Ironforge throne room.

HELP WANTED: I fell in love with him because he's very tall and good with animals, but lately I retch at just the thought of those ginger... well, long story short, I need the services of a skilled assassin, or, at least, a good divorce lawyer. Leave a message for V. Windrunner at the Ledgerdemain Lounge, and I will be in touch.

ENGINEER/CONTRACTOR NEEDED: Looking for someone who can assess the feasibility of removing four large and extremely inconvenient pillars from my room. They've really been a nuisance for me. Send all inquiries to Talon King Ikiss at Sethekk Halls.

LOOKING FOR COMPANIONSHIP: I am not what some people would consider conventionally attractive, but I have a big heart and a lovely sense of humor, and I am also princess of my own underground kingdom. Appearance does not matter; I am so very lonely. Please visit me at Mauradon.

Achingly, Theradras

SINGLE BLACK DRAGON, LOOKING FOR TRUE LOVE: I am Nefarian, scion of the Black Dragonflight. But you can just call me Vic. I'm suave, sexy, and I have a fabulous penthouse apartment at Blackrock Mountain with a spectacular terrace.

In the past, I've been a bit of a cad. Women meant nothing to me. Less than nothing. But lately, I've realized that the grand game of life I thought I was playing was, in fact, playing me. So I'm looking for something a little more serious. I'd like to meet an intelligent and attractive lady who shares my interest in breeding an invincible race of chromatic dragons. Also, I hope you like dogs, because I've got a big one.

If you think you're right for me, let's get together and make that beautiful mistake that all mortals make. Let the games begin!

LOSE WEIGHT! HAVE MORE ENERGY! RESTORE YOUR SEXUAL VITALITY! Night Elf healers have long known about the miraculous properties of Morrowgrain. However, this rare herb, which only grows in the rich volcanic soil of the Un'Goro Crater, has always been too scarce for anyone to distribute widely across Azeroth.

Recently, however, the Arch-Druid Fandral Staghelm has developed a new plan for obtaining Morrowgrain in unprecedented volumes, and we can now make this miracle drug available to you at a very reasonable price. Jenal in Darnassus has the hook-up. You can usually find him hanging out in an alley in the Cenarion Enclave.

Ragnaros is conducting layoffs.

2009-06-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

Original thread here:

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=17615364065&sid=1

Majordomo Executus: "Hello. You can come in here and have a seat."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Thanks."

Majordomo Executus: "I'm not sure if you've met Golemagg the Incinerator before. He's from HR."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Hi."

Golemagg: "Good afternoon."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "So, guys, what is this meeting about?"

Majordomo Executus: "Well, as you may know, our firm, like any other business, is facing difficulties during these tumultuous and unprecedented economic circumstances. Compounding these general difficulties is the perception that our operation here has been superseded by so-called higher tiers of content. Accordingly, we are conducting a top-to-bottom review of our finances to assess any redundancies which may exist, so that we can continue to compete in this difficult marketplace and provide the Firelord with the same peerless service he's come to expect."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Uh, I'm completely on board with your quality service initiatives, and you'll see I've been working enthusiastically for the company for more than five years."

Golemagg: "Uh huh. And how many raids have you wiped in the last six months?"

Scarshield Spellbinder: "I am not sure I could tell you, off the top of my head."

Golemagg: "Ballpark figure. Best guess."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "I don't know. Not a lot."

Majordomo Executus: "Unfortunately, that's what we're here today to discuss."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Well, I mean, we're a low-level pack at the front of the instance. There's really not a lot more that we can do than what we're doing."

Golemagg: "So, surely you can understand that as we retrench, we're looking to cut unnecessary trash mobs from our payroll."

Majordomo Executus: "Remember, we don't call them trash mobs. They're interesting content that doesn't drop loot."

Golemagg: "Well, what we're trying get at is that you're not interesting enough for us to keep you on."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "I don't understand. I'm part of the classic Blackrock Spire team. How can you be cutting me after five years of dedicated service."

Golemagg: "Well let's talk about that. I've got your performance evaluations here."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "They've been nothing but positive."

Golemagg: "Tell me about all these times you were mind-controlled by players."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "So I'm susceptible to mind control. I'm only an orc, like any other."

Golemagg: "Under skills here, it mentions a buff called 'Resist Fire.' Tell me about that."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "It does exactly what the tooltip says. As of patch 2.1, it no longer works on targets above level 63."

Majordomo Executus: "Surely you understand how your susceptibility to mind control and your 'Resist Fire' ability have been inconvenient for the organization over the years."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Majordomo, I'm not sure that's fair. This is really old stuff you're bringing up."

Majordomo Executus: "We are aware of this, but cuts have to come from somewhere. We're really sorry this had to happen, but it is, unfortunately, quite necessary. We do thank you for your years of service."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "So what happens now."

Golemagg: "Your employment is terminated, as of five o-clock today. We are offering a severence package for our former employees that I think you'll find quite fair. We are committed to taking care of you."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Uh, where do I go to get this severance?"

Golemagg: "You can pick it up at the window directly behind me."

Next Warcraft Story

2009-06-05T21:10:00.000-07:00

Will be online and on the World Of Warcraft general forum in the next day or two.

It will relate to Nefarian, the final boss of the classic raid Blackwing Lair.

Lord Kazaak and his propensity for being kited to Stormwind (when he used to spawn in Blasted Lands) may also become a subject for discussion.

Please feel free to suggest other monsters you think deserve special attention

Kologarn is going to stop your raid

2009-06-05T21:07:00.000-07:00

Meet Kologarn. He is very large.

The original thread on the subject can be found here:

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=17615362642&sid=1

Yogg-Saron: Okay, so this whole plan is going pretty well. I've gunked up a tree in Grizzly Hills, I've enslaved the Keepers of Ulduar, and I've set up an impassable ravine between my inner sanctum and the outside world, so nobody can get in to stop me.

Kologarn: AND I WILL STAND IN IT.

Yogg-Saron: Seriously not necessary, K-Garn. I've got that whole thing under control. Check out the map. It says that's "The Shattered Walkway." It used to just be "The Walkway." Until I shattered it. No walkway, no progress. Pure effin' genius.

Kologarn: AND THAT IS WHERE I WILL SQUEEZE THE LIFE OUT OF THEM.

Yogg-Saron: No, dude. You don't need to go there at all. You can pretty much just take the week off. Maybe meet some ladies. I can't even remember the last time you hooked up.

Kologarn: NONE SHALL PASS.

Yogg-Saron: Well, that's the point of a huge ravine. So I don't really need your help.

Kologarn: I CAN CRUSH AN ARMORED TAUREN IN MY POWERFUL STONE GRIP.

Yogg-Saron: Yeah, but the tauren can't get over the ravine anyway. And it will be extra funny, because they could totally get over the ravine if they could use their flying mounts, but flying mounts are disabled in Ulduar. That will make them crazy. See, that's what I do.

Kologarn: WITH MY OVERHEAD SMASH, I CAN MAKE THE EARTH SHAKE. MY FOCUSED EYEBEAMS TURN MY VERY RAGE INTO LAZERS.

Yogg-Saron: Okay, I guess if you really want a crack at them. But it's fine with me if you just want to knock off. What's your hard mode?

Kologarn: HARD MODE?

Yogg-Saron: Can you, like, buff yourself to do double damage, or have twice as much health or something?

Kologarn: I AM VERY LARGE.

Yogg-Saron: Fair enough. Go hang out there. I guess, even if they beat you, I've still got my bases covered with the whole shattering-the-walkway plan.

Kologarn: YEAH. I DON'T SEE ANY WAY YOU'LL BE SORRY ABOUT THIS.

"I am Instructor Razuvious. Welcome to Class."

2009-06-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

Original thread is here; begun 1-05-09

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=14134476570&sid=1

Good morning, Understudies. I am Instructor Razuvious, and, for the rest of the semester, I am your master.

You are delivered to me, soft as newly hatched doves. I will turn you into stone. Under my tutelage, you will become unflinching enforcers of the will of the Lich King.

My strength and ferocity are famous throughout Azeroth and Northrend. Even the most robust of foes are cleaved in twain by my mighty blade. None can withstand my attacks! My enemies are cut down like wheat.

Over the next few months, you, my select few Understudies, will be trained to endure the withering sting of my blade. You, and you alone will be strong enough to hold your ground against the unstoppable onslaught of Razuvious.

I shall... Yes, do I see a hand in the back? Do you have a question?

Hmm... No. I can't imagine any possible situation in which training my understudies to stand up to my mighty attacks could possibly lead to ironic or detrimental consequences for me. I mean, how would that ever happen?

What? Well, I don't think any of my Understudies would ever be so disloyal and foolhardy as to turn against me, but if one ever did, I would dispatch him according to the "Standard Rules of Raid Boss Engagement." I would focus unwaveringly on stomping that backstabbing worm under the heel of my boot, while ignoring any other foes who may be in the general vicinity.

Unless, of course, there was another traitor nearby, with the impunity to taunt me while I was giving his friend a lesson in manners. Then I would turn my attentions forthwith to the interloper.

Oh, you think that's a bad strategy, do you? Well, Smart Guy, what would you do? Oh, you think I should go after the guy in the dress? Well, if that's such a good idea, how come nobody ever thought of it before? You don't have an answer to that, do you? Well, that's why you are the mere Understudy and I am Instructor Razuvious!

Now, if nobody else has any more questions, we can begin our lessons. The training area is right over there. Next to the mind-control orbs.

What's that? No, I think that's a great place to put them.

The Walrus Post

2009-06-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

Here's one I wrote in November related to a daily quest in Dragonblight that players do to earn rep with the Kalu'ak faction. Thanks to Spoggerific for copying the text onto Wowhead. The World of Warcraft forums lost the thread, which was located here, and contained a funny parody of Lewis Carroll's poem "The Walrus and the Carpente," and some animated speculation about just what the Kalu'ak are actually doing with the little Wolvar.

If anyone has the full thread, please send me a link.

Here is the text:

Elder Walrus: "Hi. I'm a walrus. We're the good guys. I promise."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "There are some guys we don't like. Their village is up on that hill."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "So I've got this sack right here."

Player: "I see."

Walrus: "What you are going to do is take this sack over to their village and fill it with their babies. As many babies as you can steal, just go ahead and stuff them in this sack."

Player: "Uh, what?"

Walrus: "Sack full of babies. Bring me a sack full of babies. Like, a dozen."

Player: "Are you sure you don't want me to just bring back their poop?"

Walrus: "By the way, the guys we don't like are dog guys, so the babies you're stuffing in a sack are also puppies."

Player: "Seriously?"

Walrus: "Yeah. Don't worry. We're totally not going to eat the babies. But if you want to come back tomorrow and swipe us another sackful, that would be awesome."

The long lost poop post

2009-06-05T20:41:00.001-07:00

At some point around the time of the Wrath of the Lich King launch, I wrote a post on General titled "Poo" that contained a discussion of feces-themed quests in World of Warcraft.

The thread initially existed here and it contained the word "buffalocerous," describing the Clefthoof monsters that roam Nagrand.

If anybody has an archive of this post, or its text saved somewhere, please send it to me or put it in a comment.

Bigger Than Kologarn

2009-06-05T20:32:00.001-07:00

Hi, I'm Crawford; I play a Warlock on the Gorefiend US World of Warcraft server.

I have written several posts that have been fairly popular on the World of Warcraft general forum.

Several of my posts and threads have been lost; the official Warcraft forum moves very fast and Blizzards website seems to archive some threads, but not all.

For those who are wondering, I consider my Warcraft posts parodies or jokes rather than RP or Fanfic. I am not planning to write longer-form stories related to WoW, and my longer form project is unrelated to games and is progressing slowly, since I work a demanding job and I have an inconvenient gaming habit.