I need some help with my pants.

Original Thread

To whom it may concern:

Recently, I took part in some rather dashing and valiant heroics in the Argent Coliseum, and as a reward for my bravery, my guild awarded me Kel'Thuzad's Leggings of Triumph.

At first, I was very pleased about getting the loot, but after that initial surge of excitement wore off, I realized that I just can't wear these. The problem, you see, is the smell.

Now, I know Kel'Thuzad was a pretty great warlock, and he wore some pretty great warlocking pants. The stats on these are pretty awesome, and normally I'd feel very fortunate for a chance to wrap my goodies up in 140 spellpower. But these things are, to put it mildly, rank.

I don't know if Kel'Thuzad was too busy exploring the arcane depths of necromancy to pay attention to his personal hygiene or what. I know he was dead for a while. Maybe he was buried in these.

Sometimes, I think they reek of vinegary man-sweat. Sometimes I think they smell like rotting meat. What I know is that these things are just foul.

I do know that the folks at the laundry won't take them. I took them back to the vendor five minutes after I got them, and the crooked little jerk insisted my two hour refund period was already expired.

I don't know what kind of crap Tirion is trying to pull here, handing out used and soiled pants as a reward for killing demon lords and high-ranking lieutenants of the Lich King, but I've had about enough of this. Tell Tirion I am not pleased to be getting epic rewards that come complete with Kel'Thuzad's Skidmarks of Triumph, along with several other disturbing looking stains of indeterminate origin.

Heroes of the Alliance deserve better treatment.

LOLrus

Original Thread: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=19820874414&sid=1

FYI: http://www.wowhead.com/?quest=11960

Elder Walrus: "Hi. I'm a walrus. We're the good guys. I promise."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "There are some guys we don't like. Their village is up on that hill."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "So I've got this sack right here."

Player: "I see."

Walrus: "What you are going to do is take this sack over to their village and fill it with their babies. As many babies as you can steal, just go ahead and stuff them in this sack."

Player: "Uh, what?"

Walrus: "Sack full of babies. Bring me a sack full of babies. Like, a dozen."

Player: "I don't know how comfortable I feel doing this."

Walrus: "By the way, the guys we don't like are dog guys, so the babies you're stuffing in a sack are also puppies."

Player: "Seriously?"

Walrus: "Yeah. We're planning for the future. We're raising them to be seeing-eye babies for blind walruses. It's totally charitable."

Player: "But I don't see any of them running around Walrus-town."

Walrus: "Dude. Don't worry. We're totally not going to eat the babies. Do I look like a guy who would eat a baby?"

Player: "I didn't say anything about eating them."

Walrus: "Right. That is crazy-talk. But if you want to come back tomorrow around lunchtime and swipe us another sackful, that would be awesome."

I am a BG PvPer

Original Thread: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=19820633894&postId=198187908744&sid=1#0

I've capped my honor and my marks, but don't worry, buddy, I am still here, standing in the road between Blacksmith and Gold Mine in Arathi Basin, fearlessly clutching my Titansteel Destroyer, and getting ready to bring the thunder. Don't worry, though. I won't Hamstring you as you run by on your mount. I don't even have Hamstring on my click bar, because it doesn't do any damage.

I am the hardcore BGer. When the other side holds every graveyard up to our relief hut in Alterac Valley, my friends and I will bellow our battle cries and defend the keep until the game ends in a resource victory. Did you know AV used to take DAYS to finish a match? It was GLORIOUS. If I could make it take days now, I totally would, because time has no meaning to me. It stops when I am charging into a crowd of enemy players to rack up my 24th death of the match.

Don't fuss at me that the gate is down in Isle of Conquest. I am engaged in epic battle in the quarry with a foolish warlock who was impudent enough to go AFK. My victory here was preordained, and the fact that the enemy has assaulted our keep will do little to diminish my glory when I triumphantly spam my /sit macro over his corpse.

I am a vessel of wrath and a deliverer of truth. I care not for Strand Demolishers, for I know the only honorable vehicle is a Wintergrasp Catapult. I need no honor and I scoff at marks. I can't buy anything anyway, because I will not duel in a box for gear. I should get gear for my deeds on the field of Battlegrounds, without having to prove anything to any arena scrubs.

The game has gotten worse, lately, for hardcore BGers like me. The reduced resources required for victory mean that I get less time in each battle to control the vital roads of Arathi Basin, or battle valiantly for the flag in Eye of the Storm. In Warsong Gulch, where flags matter less than in Eye, a new time limit has curtailed the joyful midfield heroics I love undertaking as the cowardly flag carriers hide in their bases.

But, despite these setbacks, I will persevere. As I've honed my skills, my teams have begun winning as many as one game in six, a vast improvement over prior performance. When other players see that I am on their side, they groan and mutter under their breath, because they know that, in this battle, their deeds will be overshadowed, for they walk with a titan (I specced into Titan's Grip, even though I don't have a second 2H yet).

They will never match my boldness. They will never match my ferocity. They will never match my dogged sense of purpose. I don't stop to gem my sockets. I don't stop to enchant my gear. I am a killing machine with only one setting, and that setting is kill.

Tirion's Call Is Going Straight To Voice Mail

Original Thread Here: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=19377969852&postId=193582679933&sid=1#0

Please Check out the CollegeHumor article as well: http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789696

The power of the Lich King is nearing its peak. If the living cannot align against him, all hope will be lost, and the Scourge will destroy all that is pure in Azeroth.

With precious time running short, Tirion Fordring, the leader of the Argent Crusade, sounds the call, to muster the forces of Light to Northrend, to join the Crusade in its final battle at the base of the foreboding Icecrown Citadel.

But not everyone will answer:


Hi. You've reached Lord Genn Greymane. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now. Things have been a little hairy around here lately.

If you are calling with regard to any solicitation, there is a reason we built that huge wall, but you may want to visit us in person during the full moon. We're usually available in the evenings. Around dinnertime.

If your call is related to our participation in the Alliance, we may be able to discuss the matter "soon." Otherwise, please leave a message.

*Click*

High. You've reached Khadgar. I can't come to the phone right now, because I am really busy in Shattrath. Doing stuff. Important stuff. Lot's of irons in the fire. Seriously. Leave one, and I'll hit you back.

*Click*

Hi. You've reached the Hydraxian Waterlords, your one-stop shop for all your rune dousing needs.

Here at the Hydraxian Waterlords, we are fully capable of wielding the inconceivable power of Neptulon the Tidehunter. But we choose to devote our attention to runes and dousing them, so you can enjoy the best in Aqual Quintessence. When you need runes doused, just tell your raid to wait while you fly out to Azshara.

For all inquiries regarding rune-dousing, please use our new automated support system. To continue in Darnassian, please press 1.

*Click*

Kind greetings and salutations. You have reached the University of Ogri'La. If you are calling to inquire about our search for new faculty to lead our graduate program in advanced apexis crystal chemistry, please send your curriculum vitae and any relevant publications to Professor Grok, who is leading our search.

If you are calling with regard to "The Blade's Edge," our literary magazine, unfortunately, we're closed for submissions for the Fall issue. We thank all our contributors, and we urge everyone who didn't make it this time to resubmit for the Winter quarter.

If you are calling about Northrend, or any activities going on up there, WE NO UNDERSTAND. STINKY FART. HA HA. SMASH WITH CLUB.

*Click*

Shiver Me Timbers! Ye've reached the Bloodsail Buccaneers!

For YARRRRR, please press 1.

For ARRRRRR, please press 2.

For WALK TEH PLANK, please press 3.

For anything else, please call back during normal business hours.

*Click*

Free Epics for Casuals

Original Thread here http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=19110025964&sid=1

I have gotten really bored with hearing this. People are always whining about how Heroics shouldn't drop epics, badges shouldn't drop epics, PVP shouldn't sell epics, regular ToC shouldn't have epics.

This is completely infantile, because the idea of item quality has been completely meaningless for all purposes except determining vendor price and what an item will disenchant into.

The stat budget for an item is determined by item quality and item level. In the original design, the item level determined the character level that could use different items, and the plan was for each successive tier of raid loot to scale up by a degree of item quality.

But even before release, Blizzard decided to make all raid loot purple "epic" quality, and scale using the ilvl modifier rather than the item quality modifier.

There were some experiments with scaling the blues up higher in ZG and AQ 20, but once some blues were better than some epics, people got really confused, and Blizzard stopped doing it.

In the current system, there is a flat cap at ilvl 200, and there are no blue items above it. Blue items similarly capped at 115 in BC. There is no upgrade from a heroic/max level blue other than an epic, and designing things any other way makes itemization unnecessarily confusing.

However, each tier of epic upgrades improves the epic gear of the people who are on the cutting edge of content by a margin that is roughly equivalent to the difference between a heroic blue item and an entry level (Heroic/Regular TOC/Naxx 10) epic. The purple text is completely meaningless; the gap between somebody in heroic blues and somebody in BIS gear prior to the ulduar release is much smaller than the gap between somebody wearing ilvl 200 epics and somebody who is geared from regular mode Coliseum 25.

All these free "epic" loots merely signify an additional tier of progression for players who don't commit to the game beyond what is necessary to do 5 man instances. And this stuff is still an unprecedented 4 tiers below the cutting edge.

The Heroic TOC and badge loot also gives new players a shortcut into current tiers of content, which is crucial, because very few people were doing heroics and 10 man naxx before the badge change. It's logistically unfeasible to demand that new players gear up in content that nobody is using.

It is totally absurd to suggest that giving low-end players "epics" somehow cheapens anything (except maybe abyss shards, which were inflated in value relative to predecessor items).

Call of the Crusade: The Musical

Original Post Here:

http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=19110153166&postId=191083830366&sid=1#0

Scene: The Recently completed ARGENT COLISEUM. HARDCORE enters from stage right. He is resplendent in Tier 8.5 and hard mode epics. CASUAL enters from stage left. He is wearing mostly blues and two pieces of Hateful Gladiator PVP gear; he carries a Titansteel Destroyer, dragging it behind him as though it is very heavy. They regard each other contemptuously, then they both look ruefully toward the COLISEUM, and then back to each other.

Hardcore: I hate you.

Casual: And I hate you.

Both: And both of us hate Three-point-two!

Hardcore: What the hell is this Crusade?

Casual: We don't need another raid!

Hardcore: Four timers a week for the same content? This grind is without precedent!

Casual: Exalted rep for daily quests? Why such demands? This game's a mess!

Both: This is the worst patch that we've seen yet! I can't believe that they nerfed Ret. Please revert the game to one-point-eight, because you've added all this stuff we hate!

Hardcore: Free Conquest epics from heroics mock the work that I have done.

Casual: His weapon's much better than mine, so I'm not having any fun.

Hardcore: But you don't need good gear anyway.

Casual: I'm owed rewards for all I play.

Hardcore: You can't be playing all that much.

Casual: Six hours a day; odd times, and such.

Hardcore: PUG groups clear Naxx, haven't you heard?

Casual: No time to raid, you silly nerd.

Both: This is the worst patch we've ever had. King Varian Wrynn is a deadbeat dad. This game was best before B.C. It will just get worse in Three-point-three!

Casual: I own the place in Battlegrounds. We sometimes win when I'm around. You're only in the Gulch to grind; you let them win when we're a cap behind. Now it's over all too fast. I really like my games to last.

Hardcore: What's the deal with all your hating? What is your arena rating?

Casual: Arena doesn't measure skills. Look at all my honor kills.

Hardcore: I wiped and wiped on Malygos, and hard-mode Sarth with every drake. His gear's as good from Violet Hold, that place is such a piece of cake. My guild and I, we work and struggle, 'til we persevere at last. And now you give him epic loot, though he won't learn to play his class.

Casual: What does it matter what I've got? You seem to care an awful lot.

Hardcore: I've got a right to two-shot you. My God, I hate this Three-Point-Two.

(They /dance)

A Chorus of NIGHT ELF BEAR FORM DRUIDS enter.

Druids: This is the worst patch we can recall. We do not like our new art at all. We want to have the old art back. We look so dumb when we attack.

All: This is the worst patch we've ever had. Even Ahn'Qiraj was not this bad. We need unique art for each class set. And we need more buffs for Ret.

Hardcore: Buffs for Ret!

Druids: And Moonkins too!

Casual: Buffs for Ret!

All: Yes we need more buffs for Ret!

(Pause for applause)

CURTAIN

Yankee Pot Roast

I've gotten a number of e-mails from my friends from the general forum, asking where I went and what I've been doing, and I will try to come up with some funny Argent Raid jokes when I've had time to see the encounters (Not one but two Jormungers!).

But due to the encouragement from the WoW community, I've been submitting essays to some of the online humor 'zines, and a very popular site called Yankee Pot Roast picked up one of my articles today.

It explores the recent resignation of Alaska governor Sarah Palin.


I would repaste it here for ya'll, but I don't think that would be appropriate since I've given them the article. But you can read it now, at http://www.yankeepotroast.org. (OMG KEYLOGGER).