Plausible Solutions to Botting/Gold-Selling in World of Warcraft

Recently, a large wave of bans went out for Archaeology botters, and there was a lot of anger in the community because people felt Blizzard was taking account action on an exploit that does not affect other players' game experience while gathering botters have been rampant.

Blizzard's line on this subject is that it is monitoring this exploitation carefully, and trying to trace the activity to its source, since the characters doing the gathering and the AH selling are often stolen accounts. I can certainly understand and respect the complexity of solving this problem, however, gold-selling and commercial farming have been around in one form or another for the entire life of the game, and it's time to discuss other solutions.

First of all, there are several measures Blizzard could take to alleviate the impact of botting on the player economy:

1. Increase gold rewards for daily quests and boss kills: Getting gold in game is basically a function of time spent playing. Some players don't want to spend time getting gold, and that leads to illicit gold selling. Account action for gold-buying is the stick; better rewards for other activities are the carrot. Increasing the time-to-reward ratio for other things relative to gathering gives players who don't want to farm a better way to get the gold they need, and devalues the time spent gathering.

Also, it might be worthwhile to consider implementing gold rewards for battleground or arena wins, possibly taking the place of daily quests for players who only do PvP.

2. Put escape valves on the gathering markets to relieve the flood of bot-gathered materials Botting ruins the game economy by creating an excess supply of gathering materials. However, Blizzard is in control of the demand lever. It would be pretty simple to create a mechanism to suction the excess herbs and ore created by botters out of the market.

This could be as simple as raising vendor prices to create a price floor. It could involve new material-intensive crafting recipes (darkmoon cards propped up the herb market through the whiptail spawn bug, for example). It probably would not be difficult to implement a vendor taking ore and herbs and dispensing honor points; there's already a vendor who sells materials for points, so it kind of makes sense that this could also work the other way.

3. Implement fun gold-sinks. A big part of the gold-sellers' business is stealing accounts from players and stealing whatever stockpiles of gold they find. Therefore, Blizzard can hurt gold-sellers by encouraging players to spend their gold, so it won't be sitting in bags waiting for hackers to steal it.

There are a few of these every expansion, such as the Traveler's Tundra Mammoth, the motorcycles and the Sandstone Drake. There should be more. There are already plenty of mounts and toys and other vanity or luxury items available for the card game and the RMT store; it makes sense to deploy a few of them in the interest of propping up the player-economy.

4. A big account-security campaign. Fewer stolen accounts means gold-selling is a less lucrative business, and players will see fewer botters. Authenticators are great and more people should have them. They should be offered them for free to people who buy high-margin Blizzard store pets and mounts. They should be offered for free to GMs of large guilds, to prevent gold-sellers from getting big scores on guild banks; that kind of stuff keeps them in business. The cost of the devices would probably be offset by a reduction in investigations.

There should also be NPCs in-game to tell casual players about authenticators and especially the free mobile authenticator apps, and we should see more notifications in the launcher and the log-in screen. This is an issue that is worth getting in people's faces about.

5. Account actions against botters, even if they're stolen accounts When hackers get access to a stolen or disused account, sometimes they use it to farm/bot for very long periods of time, dumping huge amounts of resources into the player economy. I appreciate Blizzard's prerogative in monitoring these activities and tracing them back to the source, but there must be a way to chase these people that doesn't involve letting them use stolen accounts to run gathering bots 24-7 for weeks on end.

It's also very discouraging to for players to report bots, and see the activity continue for weeks, regardless.

6. Nerf gathering. There are a number of ways to go about this. There's already a guild perk in the game that gives members of high-level guilds bonus herbs and ore when gathering. It might be worthwhile to buff the perk and nerf the base amount for people gathering without the perk. This would hurt real players who aren't in high-level guilds, but it would also place gold-sellers and botters at a significant disadvantage.

It might also be useful to nerf spawn-rates or yield-per-node in general, possibly in conjunction with an adjustment to crafting professions. Gold sellers utilize a labor pool that isn't very sophisticated about the game and the community, so de-emphasizing gathering as a money-maker could really help, though it might require a significant overhaul to professions.

Druid flight form also really needs to be looked at. Druids can hit nodes so fast, there's really no PvP solution to them, and botters are heavily exploiting flight form. In general, it might be a good idea to adjust the casting time for gathering, so we see more pvp around nodes, which hurts the return on botting.

It might also be a good idea to implement a daily or weekly cap on gathering per-account or per-character. It could be high enough that few legitimate players would be affected, while still putting a lid on botters, and it would also protect the game economy against future events like the whiptail spawn bug.

An important statement

As a prominent Internet warlock, I'd like to voice my full-throated and unreserved support for Charlie Sheen, who is the finest of our number.

We would follow you, without hesitation, into the gaping maw of Hell, Bro.  Tell us where to deploy our ordnance, and we will deliver knowledge unto your enemies with our poetry and our flaming fists.

"It was patch 4.06 that really pushed me over the edge."

"Bad" is a valid style of play

Leeroy Jenkins doesn't conform to arbitrary standards.

I play this game.  I pay the same $15 that everyone else does.  I don't see why I should be expected to play the game in a way that the developers and community have arbitrarily deemed to be "good."

I'd like to bring to the community's attention several mechanics that prevent me from enjoying Cataclysm.

1.  I don't like the idea that there is a spell rotation

I play a warlock.  I, and many other warlocks, have been wanting green fire since vanilla.  Maybe since before the game came out, we wanted to be wizards who could throw green fireballs.  Now, finally, we have Fel Flame, and it is green.  So the way I want to play is to only use Fel Flame, and to shoot green fireballs like a machine gun until things catch on green fire and green burn to death, screaming.  I think Fel Flame is lots of fun.

But Blizzard says I'm not supposed to shoot green machine gun fire; there is a "rotation," which is a special order I am supposed to push buttons in, or else I am "bad" and the group I am in will "fail."  Why is this the right order to push the buttons?  Nobody knows.  I feel like I am playing "Simon."

Anyway, in the last expansion, there was a different order I was supposed to push the buttons in.  In the last expansion, the bad affliction warlocks liked to cast Soul Fire.  In this expansion, the bad affliction warlocks are the ones who don't like to cast Soul Fire.  How am I supposed to keep up with this?  I heard about this site for jerks I am supposed to go to, but I am not going to do that.  I am pretty sure it is a keylogger.

2. Grinding is not fun

Also, maybe I don't want to gem and enchant my gear.  Grinding for those things isn't worth the incremental upgrades to me, and I don't want to spend time grinding for those expensive ornaments.  This game is supposed to be fun, and I don't see why I should have to do anything in it that I don't enjoy in order to be deemed "good" or successful.

Anyway, why should my character look like a cheap dandy, bedecked in jeweled bling-bling and body-glitter?  Don't gems and enchantments exist for the purpose of giving players choices?  Why not support the choice for players to abstain from gems and enchantments?

And if I am not going to gem, I am certainly not going to grind rep or do daily quests.  I mean, seriously, what's with making me wear special reputation tabards?  I have my own tabard with a pink rabbit on it, and I want to wear that.  I am not going to wear Therazane's tabard because she is unattractive, and I don't believe in the things she stands for.  

And don't even get me started on flasks.  Has anyone ever enjoyed pointlessly grinding herbs?  Blizzard should remove herbalism and alchemy from the game and just increase everyone's base stats by 300.

3.  People should not be punished for playing with me because I do not conform to arbitrary standards of "good play."

As soon as I zone into a heroic, people do an inspect on me, see my empty gem sockets, and immediately try to vote-kick me.  But they can't because there's a cooldown on vote-kick.  So they call me names and curse at me to try to get me to leave the party (what is the deal with this game's community?)

When I don't leave, they pull trash monsters.  I try to target the ones the rest of the party isn't paying attention to, so all of them die at the same time and we can finish the dungeon faster.  But they just yell at me again for casting nothing but Fel Flame.

Sometimes they'll ask me to use Fear on one of the enemies.  When I tell them I do not use fear as a weapon because I am not a terrorist, they get angry at me.  I think some of the people who play this game are not very patriotic.

Also, Mages seem to think it's funny to cast that spell that makes one of the monsters look like a penguin or a monkey.  It was maybe cute once, but I am sick of it.  That spell heals the thing they cast it on to full health.  Why do group leaders tolerate this, but not the things I do?  It is probably because they are all in the same guild and are rude to people they get from the dungeon-finder.  But I say, if mages want to play with cute critters, they should buy companion pets.

The point is, I am willing to put the same time into running the dungeons as anyone else, and I pay the same subscription fee, so I should get the same rewards.  But the game punishes me for not wanting to push buttons in an arbitrary, designated order, and, further, because I play this way, the game punishes other people for playing with me.

As a result, I am very lonely.

Maybe the game should automatically analyze the way I am playing, and stack a buff on the group that allows us to clear heroic dungeons no matter what buttons I press.  They could call the buff "Independent Thinking" or "Creative Use of the Game Space."

4.  PvP needs a more level playing field

Since I have not been enjoying dungeons very much, some people suggested I should try PvP.  So I found a guy in Trade Chat who was willing to play with me, and we went into the arena.

People say it's easy to earn the weekly conquest cap, because you only have to win five games.  Win five games?  You might as well ask me to climb a mountain!  As soon as I zone into an arena match, the people on the other team kill me.  How is that fair?

Apparently, before I can get my "easy" five wins, I have to get special "pvp" gear in "battlegrounds," which will make me "resilient."  Why should that be?  Who says I'm not resilient enough already?  If I wasn't resilient, how could I have made it to level 85?  I died repeatedly to all the quests, which were grossly over-tuned, but then I found out I could get experience by doing archaeology in low level zones.  If that's not resilience and innovative problem-solving, I don't know what is!

Anyway, the battlegrounds are like another rep grind, except, apparently I don't have to actually be at the keyboard to do the grinding.  What is the point of this?  Instead of making me get this special gear, the game should compensate for the fact that I don't have "resilience" by giving me more health or making me do more damage.

Also, why do very high rated arena players get more conquest points than everyone else?  They're already killing everyone! Why do they need to have better gear than the rest of us on top of that?  If you ask me, you should get conquest points for losing games, and your cap should increase as the ratings get lower.  That way, it's like a built-in handicap to players who exploit overpowered mechanics, and a buff to players who play the game in the way that they enjoy.

Thanks.

/rant

World of Warcraft Lore, By Richard Knaak (Spoilers)

Rhonin woke up, had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, half a grapefruit, two strips of bacon and a Red Bull. Then he went out to kick some ass.

Meanwhile, the government of Stormwind and the Defias masons disagreed over payment. Led by Van Cleef and manipulated by Onyxia, the Defias kidnapped Varian.

Rhonin went to Westfall, killed Van Cleef in the Deadmines, and then stopped by Gnomeregan to set Thermaplugg on fire and save the Gnomes.

Then he went to Theramore, pushed Varian out of the way, just as Onyxia was about to deep-breath him, and pwned her face off. Krasus tanked the whelps.

To celebrate, Rhonin and Jaina Proudmoore totally hooked up.

Then Rhonin went down to Blackrock Depths, killed Emperor Dagram Thaurissan, and fathered the heir to the throne of Ironforge with the extremely grateful Moira Bronzebeard. But he wasn't done yet; the Dark Iron Dwarves were doing the bidding of Ragnaros the Firelord, so Rhonin went down to Molten Core and beat the crap out of everybody.

"TOO SOON," bellowed Ragnaros.

But Rhonin was all: "It's never too soon to party, Rhonin-style."

And then he beat Ragnaros to death with his own hammer, because Rhonin is the only Mage who ever had the mad skillz to train two-handed maces.

On the way out of Blackrock Mountain, Rhonin went to the spire and pwned Nefarian. He saved Vaelestrasz the Red, and the two did a celebratory chest-bump.

Rhonin took a vacation to Zul'Gurub and strangled Hakkar the God of Blood with his bare hands. Now the trolls there worship Rhonin.

About this time, something started to stir behind the gate of shifting sands in Silithus, so Rhonin rolled into the Temple of Ahn'Qiraj, riding on a giant bug for some reason, and started pwning everything.

And C'thun was all: "I'm gonna eat you."

But Rhonin was like: "Nuh-uh."

And then all the raptors and devilsaurs in Un'Goro came and ate C'thun's face off, because they're friends with Rhonin.

Then the dark portal opened, and Rhonin was the only one who went through. He went to Shattrath and met A'dal, a being of pure light and infinite power. Rhonin and A'dal totally hooked up. Then Rhonin came back to Azeroth and went to Karazhan where he climbed to the top and met Prince Malchezzar of the Eredar.

And Malchezzar goes: "You face not Malchezzar alone, but the legions I command."

But Rhonin was all: "That's cool, Bro. I'll kick ur azz in front of all ur doods."

And he did.

Rhonin went back to Zangarmarsh, where the Naga were doing something in a lake. But they stopped when Lady Vashjj saw how hot Rhonin was looking in his purple Kirin Tor robe, with his flowing hair like crimson fire. So the two of them totally got it on.

Then Rhonin invented flying weapons and beat up Kael'Thas with them.

But Kael'Thas was like: "Ha! This was only a setback."

And Rhonin was all: "Why don't you setback that narrow ass over here, and get freaky on my junk?"

And then Rhonin and Kael'Thas totally hooked up. Some people have said that Kael'Thas is actually a d00d. But they don't let Rhonin hear them say that.

Anyway, around that time, Illidan showed up, and Maiev was all like: "It is my charge to stop him."

But Rhonin goes: "Chill, Baby, I taught this guy everything he knows."

"The student has become the master," said Illidan. "You are not prepared."

"Yes I am," Rhonin said. And he punched his fist straight through Illidan's chest.

"I taught you everything you know, but I didn't teach you everything I know," Rhonin said, putting on a pair of totally awesome sunglasses.

Illidan watched helplessly as Rhonin ate his still-beating heart like an apple.

Then Rhonin and Maiev hooked up.

On the way to Northrend, Rhonin shoved KilJaeden back into the Sunwell, and was named King of the Blood Elves.

When Rhonin got to Borean Tundra, Malygos was there, and he said "I am very angry because you're way better than me at magic. So I brought all my blue dragons to beat you up."

"Oh yeah?" Rhonin said. "Well, I am going to bring all my bros from the city of Dalaran, because the Kirin Tor totally has my back." And the whole city came because everybody loves Rhonin. And Rhonin made it fly, because that is how Rhonin rolls.

But he beat up Malygos all by himself anyway.

Then he had an arm wrestling contest with Kel-Thuzad, and won.

After that, Rhonin was kind of bored, so he went to Ulduar and hooked up with Auriaya and Freya at the same time. He also got the world-first Yogg+0 achievement.

And Algalon said: "I was going to destroy the entire world, but now I won't because you are so awesome, Rhonin."

And the two did a chest bump.

Then Rhonin decided it would be fun to build a coliseum. He let Tirion Fordring help him with it, but Tirion did a crappy job and the floor collapsed, so Rhonin fired Tirion. He took the Ashbringer, because Rhonin is the only mage with the mad skillz to train 2h swords, and he marched on to Icecrown Citadel.

And the Lich King was all: "Mwa ha ha. You'll never get in here. We have limited attempts."

But Rhonin was like: "It's cool, I've got six identical alts."

And then Rhonin and his six identical alts did a group thing with Blood Queen Lana'Thel. But mostly, the blood queen just watched.

After that, Rhonin climbed to the top of the spire.

And the Lich King was all: "Ha! This was my plan all along."

And he swung the mighty Frostmourne at Rhonin, but the sword smashed against Rhonin's face.

And Rhonin said: "Did that plan involve me kickin' ur azz, Bro?"

And then Rhonin punched the Lich King in the balls so hard that the Lich King's helmet popped off.

"WTF?" said the Lich King, and then he died.

"It is done," said Tirion.

"I know it's done," Rhonin said. "I'm the d00d that did it."

"But without a lich king to chain it, the scourge will rampage across Azeroth, destroying all life," Tirion said, picking up the helmet. "I am the only one who can bear this solemn burden."

"Because you did such a good job with the coliseum?" Rhonin asked. "I thought I fired your ass. Why are you even here?"

"Stop," said a loud booming voice. And Rhonin turned around to see it was Bolvar Fordragon, but he was all burned up and shit. He took the helm from Tirion. "I can take no comfort anymore, in the world of the living, for Arthas has burned my genitals off. I shall bear the burden. I shall be the jailer of the damned."

But Rhonin took the helmet from Bolvar, and crushed it in one hand. "You guys are totally emo," he said.

"There must always be a lich king," Tirion explained. "The scourge must be controlled."

"There is no more scourge," Rhonin said. "I killed them all."

Tirion's jaw dropped open. "How can that be possible?"

And Rhonin did his special /flex emote. "Don't you know by now? I'm Rhonin, bitches!"

And Bolvar was all: "Ur so awesome."

But Rhonin was just, like: "Maybe you should go to a hospital or something."

Anyway, now there's a big statue of Rhonin in the Dalaran fountain.  

RHONIN: THE CATACLYSM, KNAAKIFIED


Deathwing woke up one morning and ate a banana and a bowl of Total cereal, which his doctor recommended for his colon. Then he tore the goddamn world in half.

"What the fuck is happening?" asked Rhonin. "I didn't authorize this."

And it was on.

About the same time, one Naga got the idea that it would be awesome if they had a Kraken like in "Pirates of the Caribbean." The other Nagas thought that was a good idea, so they went out and found a Kraken.

The Naga sent the Kraken to eat a bunch of Horde and Alliance ships, which wasn't as good an idea as it seemed initially, because it turns out that the Horde and Alliance dudes can breathe underwater and ride around on giant seahorses fucking shit up. Also, the Gnomes had a submarine. A lot of Naga died.

Then Neptulon the Tidehunter showed up, and he was like: "No way. I'm not cool with any of this."

"We don't care what you think," said the Naga. "We don't have to listen to you anymore, because our Kraken is part Cthulhu." And then they sent it to eat Neptulon's face off.

With Neptulon powerless, the Naga plan would have been successful, but Rhonin was in the mood for calamari. By this point you should know how that turned out.

Then Rhonin went to Uldum. There are sphinx guys there, which are basically lions the size of rhinos with man-arms that can hold guns. So, of course they needed Rhonin to save them. Rhonin teamed up with Indiana Jones and the two of them basically just beat the shit out of everything in that zone.

Then, at last, it was time to confront Deathwing.

"We don't like the way you run things, Rhonin, so we are taking over. For I am Neltharion the Earthwarder, turned Deathwing the Destroyer." Deathwing said this because it takes a really long time to write a book, and Richard A. Knaak is very busy, so it helps to pad things out if the characters spend a lot of time introducing themselves to each other.

"I've got Ragnaros the elemental lord of fire on my side, and Cho'Gall who is a huge freaky-ass ogre. And Al-Akir, who is king of the genies or some shit like that. Together, I am pretty sure we can take you on."

"Oh yeah?" said Rhonin. "Well, I've got Reginald Whipplebottom the Fourth, here." As he said this, he brandished his right fist. "And I've got Agamemnon W. Jackson, as well," he said, indicating his left fist. "And they brought their buddy, Peter T. Thickness, the Piston of Devastation." As he said this, he did a pelvic thrust, in case it wasn't clear that he was talking about his penis.

Fear flickered for a moment in the dragon's blood-red eyes. "Well, I also have my resurrected children, Onyxia and Nefarian."

"I don't care how many dead babies you brought," Rhonin said. "Your whole posse looks like Tier 1 content to me, and I already learned their moves in Beta. You're all going down."


<>

Varian Wrynn Has A Strategy

Player: So, it seems Van Cleef had a daughter, and she's rebuilt the Defias in the Deadmines

Varian: WTF? GO KILL THEM NOW!

Player: What is the whole thing with the Defias even about, anyway?

Varian: LESS TALKING! MORE KILLING!

Player: I don't think I read the quest text closely enough. Aren't they architects and builders you owe a bunch of money to?

Varian: I OWE THEM A PUNCH IN THE JUNK. WITH A SWORD. GO SWORD-PUNCH THEM.

Player: You know, it's funny how you stiffed your builders, and now there's a giant smoking hole in the city, and the front gate has been on fire for the last month.

Varian: I AM TEH KING. MY ACTIONS DON'T HAVE CONSEQUENCES.

Player: All I'm saying is you should deal square with the construction dudes because your city is always exploding. Is there anyone who will work for you now?

Varian: I AM STILL GETTING ESTIMATES.

Player: I used to like the Park. It had a moonwell in it.

Varian: I WILL MOONWELL UR FACE.

Player: Well, anyway, Van Cleef's daughter is down in the Deadmines with a new super-Defias and an enormous cache of explosives.

Varian: SWORD PUNCH.

Player: That seems like a a lot of work. Why can't you just pay them?

Varian: IN TEH JUNK.

Player: It's funny; the only thing that has been built here lately is a huge statue of you in front of Stormwind Keep.

Varian: TOTALLY NECESSARY!

Player: How is that necessary?

Varian: SO ALL WILL KNOW I KILLED THE LICH KING.

Player: No, you didn't. I did, and I guess Tirion Fordring did. You weren't even there.

Varian: LIES.

Player: You showed up after that airship battle that you weren't in, and you backed down from a fight with Saurfang.

Varian: HIS CLEAVE IS OP NEWB CHEESE.

Player: Anyway, about Vanessa Van Cleef.

Varian: FACE-PUNCH! SWORD IN THE FACE!

Player: She has 5 million hitpoints, and she can dodge spells and hit for like 20,000 damage.

Varian: WHO CARES? NOT ME!

Player: Well, it's just that her abilities are very impressive compared to the Alliance forces.

Varian: FOR THE ALLIANCE! ALLY IS THE BEST! NO WAY WE LET THEM WIN TOL BARAD! ALL HIT SLAGWORKS! HOLD THESE THREE NODES AND DEFEND AND WE GG!

Player: Most of the Alliance rogues don't know to stand behind a mob unless there's fire there for them to die in.

Varian: WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?

Player: Well, it's just that there's a huge cyborg dragon out destroying the world with the help of the Cthulhu cult, and she could be an asset in our fight against him. But you want me to kill her because you're too cheap to pay the money you owe.

Varian: I GIVE U 70 VALOR POINT

Player: Consider her sword-punched.

Single Black Dragon, Looking for Love

What's up, ladies.

I'm Victor Nefarius, Lord of Blackrock. Vic to my friends. How you doin'?

I used to be obsessed with my career. I was on my way to the top of Blackrock Mountain, and I had big plans. Lately, though, things have been quieter, and I have had more time to think about the things that are really important in my life.

Things like love.

I won't lie, back in my younger, headstrong days, I was a bit of a player. I was on top of the world, and I could have everything I wanted. Women meant nothing to me. Less than nothing.

I was too busy plotting against Ragnaros and breeding a super-race of chromatic dragons to realize how lonely I really was.

Every week, I threw a party on my specatcular terrace with forty of my closest friends, but even among that crowd of people, there was nobody who really understood me.

I made the mistake that all mortals make. Time does strange things to those who use it as a form of currency.

These days, life is quieter. The gatherings at my place are smaller and less frequent. My famous party trick, where I broke all the hunters' ranged weapons, stopped being funny a long time ago.

Now, I'd rather spend the a quiet evening at home instead of partying with Rend and the old crew in the Upper Spire. I'm looking for a woman who loves poetry, Indian food, whelp gauntlets, David Foster Wallace, and long walks in the Burning Steppes. And dogs. I hope you like dogs, because I've got a dog. Seriously, hanging out at my place is just like "Marley and Me," except a little different.

I'm ready to make a commitment, and I've got plenty of room if you want to move in here. But I'm not changing the decor. What can I say? I gotta be me.

If you're interested, drop me a line, and maybe we can get drinks sometime. As long as you're not a Republican. Or fat. The ball's in your court, Baby.

Let the games begin

Nobody likes Cho'Gall

Deathwing: Okay, this is the final meeting of the Twilight Club before we commence Operation: Cataclysm. I will now take attendance.

Cho’Gall: Do we really need to do the roll-call? There are only five of us here.

Deathwing: Cho’Gall, I keep telling you. This is my club, we’re going to do things my way. Don’t be a jerk about this.

Al’Akir: Seriously dude.

Deathwing: Okay, so, attendance. Lady Sinestra?

Sinestra: Here.

Deathwing: Al’Akir?

Al’Akir: Here.

Deathwing: Cho’Gall?

Cho’Gall: This is stupid.

Deathwing: You’re being really annoying.

Cho’Gall: No. This roll-call thing is annoying. You can just look around the room and see who is here. It’s a waste of time.

Deathwing: It’s a waste of time for you to argue about it, because I have decreed we are doing it, and I am Neltharion the Destroyer.

Cho’Gall: Aw, For C’Thun’s sake.

Deathwing: Just say that you’re here.

Cho’Gall: Fine. I’m here.

Deathwing: Okay, Ragnaros?

Ragnaros: BY FIRE BE PURGED!

EVERYONE LAUGHS EXCEPT CHO’GALL.

Deathwing: That was awesome, Rags. You’re the class clown, and we are BFF. You’re sitting with me at lunch today.

Ragnaros: TOO SOON!

Deathwing: Right. I meant later, at lunchtime.

Ragnaros: I KNOW. I WAS JUST MESSIN’ WITH YOU, BRO!

Deathwing: Oh! You totally got me.

Sinestra: 11/10.

Al’Akir: I love you. You win the Internet.

Cho’Gall: I don’t see what’s so funny about it. He just said the thing he always says.

Deathwing: Dude.

Al’Akir: I want to punch you so bad right now.

Deathwing: I hate you so much right now, Cho’Gall. SO much. I’m just not even going to think about it anymore because it makes me angry. So back to attendance. I’m here. We’re all here.

Cho’Gall: Which is not new information for anyone.

Ragnaros: DUDE!

Cho’Gall: Just sayin’.

Deathwing: Okay. On to new business. I will be bursting out of Deepholm tomorrow to set loose my unquenchable, burning vengeance on Azeroth and all its mortal races. I’m super-excited. So let’s go over the itinerary. First, I am going to head for Teldrassil.

Cho’Gall: To wreck up Darnassus.

Deathwing: No. I’m not going to Darnassus. Nobody ever goes to Darnassus. I’m going to destroy Auberdine.

Cho’Gall: What is Auberdine? I’ve never even heard of that.

Deathwing: It’s only the biggest quest hub in Darkshore. Everybody loves it, and they’ll be so bummed out when they see what I’m gonna do. All the little Night-Elves and Dranei will get off their boats, and it will be gone, and they’ll be totally confused.

Cho’Gall: Darnassus and Exodar are right there. You’re not going to hit either of them?

Deathwing: It’s about pacing, you fat idiot. If I blow up a city immediately, I can’t sustain the drama or build momentum.

Cho’Gall: That makes no sense at all.

Al’Akir: Dude.

Ragnaros: EVERYBODY GETS IT BUT YOU. IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, WE’RE NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN IT.

Deathwing: Anyway, from there, I’m gonna go to Barrens and cut that, like in half. And then I’m gonna go break open Uldum, because I heard that there’s cat people inside.

Cho’Gall: Wait, what about Orgrimmar? I thought we were burning Orgrimmar to the ground.

Deathwing: We have a schedule. It came down to a choice between Orgrimmar and cat people, and I chose the cat people. I get to do that, because it’s my club. 

Cho’Gall: The whole plan was to rain vengeance on the mortal races. Now we’re skipping Orgrimmar to go play with kitties?

Deathwing: Cho’Gall, I am super excited about the cat-people.

Sinestra: We all are. 

Deathwing: I swear to the Old Gods, if you ruin this for me, I will destroy you.

Cho’Gall: Unless you get distracted on the way by something shiny or cute.

Ragnaros: DUDE!

Al’Akir: Not cool.

Deathwing: Anyway, it would be a jerk move to go gank Orgrimmar while they’re mourning Cairne Bloodhoof.

Cho’Gall: Cairne Bloodhoof is dead? Did we kill him?

Deathwing: No. The Grimtotems weakened him with poison, and then Garrosh accidentally hacked him to death with an axe during a heated political discussion.

Cho’Gall: How do you accidentally kill someone with an axe?

Sinestra: That isn’t the issue.

Cho’Gall: I hate Garrosh. He’s always yelling and he wears ugly leather pants and has a tiny head.

Ragnaros: SHUT UP! GARROSH IS AWESOME! I HATE YOU!

Al’Akir: Garrosh Hellscream has more personality in his one tiny head than you’ve got in your two huge ones

Deathwing: Cho’Gall is just looking for attention, and I am not going to indulge him. I am going to rise above this negativity. After I am done at Uldum, I am going to go and break the dam between Loch Modan and Wetlands. And then I am going to Stormwind.

Cho’Gall: That’s what I’m talking about.

Deathwing: And I am gonna land on Stormwind, and I am gonna be like: RAAAWR! And everybody will be like: “Oh no!” And then I will fly away laughing at how busted they all are.

Cho’Gall: Wait, you’re going to Stormwind, and you’re not going to destroy it or kill 
everybody?

Deathwing: If I kill everybody, there won’t be anyone left to see how awesome I am.

Cho’Gall: I don’t even…

Deathwing: Dude.

Cho’Gall: No. This plan was supposed to be the best thing ever, and what you’re actually doing sounds totally lame.

Deathwing: Dude!

Sinestra: Not cool, Cho’Gall.

Al’Akir: We’ve been working for months planning this.

Deathwing: I hate you so much. I hate how fat you are, and I hate your stupid face.

Ragnaros: WHICH OF HIS TWO STUPID FACES DO YOU HATE MORE?

Deathwing: If I had to choose, I’d say I hate the face with the dopey mustache the most.

Ragnaros: I HATE THE FACE WITH THE FISH EARS AND THE NECK-BEARD! 

Deathwing: But the stupid faces don’t even encompass the reason I hate him. There’s also the fatness. He’s so fat.

Ragnaros: AND HE SMELLS LIKE A HUNDRED BUTTS!

Cho’Gall: Well, what about Sinestra with her gross scars?

Al’Akir: Dude!

Deathwing: Dude!

Ragnaros: DUDE!

Sinestra: I thought you liked me! How could you say that?

SHE RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM

Cho’Gall: What just happened?

Al’Akir: Not cool.

Ragnaros: WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER SCARS! THAT IS THE ONE THING THAT IS OFF-LIMITS!

Deathwing: You just have to ruin everything, don’t you?

Cho'Gall: Well, at least one of us in the world-destroying club should, don't you think?