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Diary of a Starcraft Player

Day 1: Photon cannon rush. God, I am talented.

Day 2: Photon cannon rush. Then void rays. This game never gets boring.

Day 3: Mix it up a little. Proxy gateway. Zealot rush.

Day 4: My keyboard is sticky. So are my armpits.

Day 5: I built a Colossus. It didn't work well for me. Posted a thread on forums about how Colossus should be buffed. Also, how Void Rays should have more HP.

Day 6: Posted a thread on forum asking if anyone knows how to clean a skidmark off of my computer chair.

Day 7: Psionic Storm should really be autocast. Posted a thread on the forum about how Templar are too hard to use. Other posters suggested I make them into Archons. I think they should just remove the Templar unit and let me spawn Archons from the Gateway.

Day 8: Photon Cannon rush. I now have the 250 wins portrait. Some guy posted about how zerg need a buff and I told him to talk about balance when he gets to diamond league. Noob.

Day 9: Something is smelly in here, and I am pretty sure it is not me, because I sprayed myself down with Febreze a couple of days ago.

Day 10: Photon Cannon rush. This game never gets boring

More Starcraft: A Reading From The Sacred Book of Zerg

"My faith is my shield."

A zergling once said to the Overmind: "I want to believe in you, but how can I keep my faith, when the life of a zergling is so very brief and full of suffering?"

And the Overmind said unto the zergling: "Look back at the path thou hast trod all of thine life. You will see there are two sets of footprints, for where you have walked through torment and trial, I have walked beside you."

And the zergling looked back and saw that, for much of the way, there were, indeed, two sets of footprints, but sometimes, where he had endured the harshest difficulties, he saw only one set.

"But Overmind," the zergling said. "What about the places where my journey was the most painful? When I look at those spots, I see only one set of footprints. You abandoned me."

"I did not abandon you, my child," said the Overmind. "Those places where you see only one set of footprints are the places where I sent in Mutalisk air support."

In honor of Starcraft 2: Advice from Kerrigan, Queen of Blades

"You need a plan for self-actualization, Girlfriend."

Love is Patient 

Dear Kerrigan,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He can be very sweet, but he doesn't have a job and he spends every night playing video games. Whenever I ask him to spend time with me, he says he can't because it's raid night and he is the tank. I don't want to begrudge him the time he spends with his friends, but it seems like every night is raid night.

My mom says, if I love him and I am patient, he'll see what I'm worth and he'll change. But my friends say a man will never change, so I should either get used to it, or get out. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Konfused on Korhal

Kerrigan Sez:

Dear Konfused,

Your story reminds me of the time I fell in love with the acid-spewing canopy-crawlers of Forest-world VI. Whenever I tried to get close to them, they fired jets of hot bile at me and then went scampering off through the treetops. But I knew how to make them come around; I ordered my cerebrates to build a hive cluster, and then we systematically consumed all the organic life, until the entire planet was barren and covered with creep. We've since incorporated the genetic material of the canopy crawlers into our new banelings, and I just couldn't be happier.

The moral of the story is this: if you wait for a man to change, you'll be waiting forever, no matter how much you love him. You must force him to assimilate. Once you do, he will be compliant, although he will have a slightly increased tendency to explode.

But, whatever happens with your boyfriend, keep in mind that it won't matter in the long run. The Zerg are going to kill all of you anyway.

Keep the faith, Sister.
Kerrigan

Career Change 

Dear Kerrigan,

Since I was a young Protoss, I always wanted to be a Dragoon. As soon as I was of age, I applied to Dragoon school, and after seven years of rigorous training, I achieved my goal. I got everything I thought I wanted, and I've never been so unhappy.

Being a dragoon seems glamorous from a distance, but much of the day-to-day work is unpleasant and distasteful. And the recession has really pinched dragooning opportunities; there have been numerous rounds of layoffs in my company, and if they can cut the templars, nobody is safe. I've been having panic attacks.

I really want to leave my job and do something different, but I'm so heavily invested in my career. I have a lot of student debt, and I am also physically fused into the dragoon exoskeleton.

Is there a way to be happy doing what I'm doing? Is it crazy for me to consider a career change?

Sincerely,
My Life For Aiur

Kerrigan Sez:

Dear Aiur,

The solution to your problem is the same as the solution to most other problems: the Swarm. We have experienced professional zerglings on call 24/7 to quickly dismantle your exoskeleton. We also offer the fastest retraining program in the galaxy, available to you at no charge. You won't believe how quickly you'll be put to use serving the Swarm!

And you'll have my guarantee that once you make the decision to walk into a hive of Zerg, you'll never again have to worry about your student loans or your career prospects again.

Remember: The Zerg are just here to help.

Kisses,
Kerrigan

If it comes down to this or more time on your game-card...

My novel, "Don't Ever Get Old" has been acquired by Thomas Dunne Books/St. Martin's Press.  It will be out in hardcover in early 2012, which means the ETA is slightly sooner than the much-needed nerf to overpowered Terrans.

I know you were planning to get a paid name/race change so your Blood Elf paladin Legoluls could become a Worgen named Lolteamjacob, but I think you should stick with the Horde and set the money aside to by my book in hardcover.