Wednesday, December 2, 2009

What's up?

Here's an article I wrote for The Big Jewel:

Here's a link to a blog I made for writing-related stuff:

Also, I now have a literary agent, so I will let anyone who still keeps an eye on this know when I get a book deal.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Kanye Grabs The Mic!

ANTONY: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Caesar.

KANYE: Yo, 'scuse me, Antony, I'm just gonna grab hold of the mic for a second if it's okay with you.

ANTONY: Well, I'm kind of trying to do something here, dude.

KANYE: Don't worry. It's cool.

ANTONY: No it's not. It isn't cool at all. I'm delivering my eulogy. This is kind of a big dramatic moment for me.

KANYE: And I'm really happy for you, Antony. I'm going to let you finish, but I want to talk for a minute about my boy, Marcus Brutus.

ANTONY: The noble Brutus
Hath told you -

KANYE: My man Brutus had one of the best assassinations of all time. One of the best assassinations. Of all time.

ANTONY: Uh, Brutus hath told you
Caesar was ambitious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answer'd it.


ANTONY: Are we seriously-is this what we're doing now?


ANTONY: Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest -

JOE WILSON: You lie!

ANTONY: For Brutus is an honourable man;


ANTONY: So are they all, all honourable men -


ANTONY: Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and just to me.


Sunday, September 13, 2009

I need some help with my pants.

Original Thread

To whom it may concern:

Recently, I took part in some rather dashing and valiant heroics in the Argent Coliseum, and as a reward for my bravery, my guild awarded me Kel'Thuzad's Leggings of Triumph.

At first, I was very pleased about getting the loot, but after that initial surge of excitement wore off, I realized that I just can't wear these. The problem, you see, is the smell.

Now, I know Kel'Thuzad was a pretty great warlock, and he wore some pretty great warlocking pants. The stats on these are pretty awesome, and normally I'd feel very fortunate for a chance to wrap my goodies up in 140 spellpower. But these things are, to put it mildly, rank.

I don't know if Kel'Thuzad was too busy exploring the arcane depths of necromancy to pay attention to his personal hygiene or what. I know he was dead for a while. Maybe he was buried in these.

Sometimes, I think they reek of vinegary man-sweat. Sometimes I think they smell like rotting meat. What I know is that these things are just foul.

I do know that the folks at the laundry won't take them. I took them back to the vendor five minutes after I got them, and the crooked little jerk insisted my two hour refund period was already expired.

I don't know what kind of crap Tirion is trying to pull here, handing out used and soiled pants as a reward for killing demon lords and high-ranking lieutenants of the Lich King, but I've had about enough of this. Tell Tirion I am not pleased to be getting epic rewards that come complete with Kel'Thuzad's Skidmarks of Triumph, along with several other disturbing looking stains of indeterminate origin.

Heroes of the Alliance deserve better treatment.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Original Thread:


Elder Walrus: "Hi. I'm a walrus. We're the good guys. I promise."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "There are some guys we don't like. Their village is up on that hill."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "So I've got this sack right here."

Player: "I see."

Walrus: "What you are going to do is take this sack over to their village and fill it with their babies. As many babies as you can steal, just go ahead and stuff them in this sack."

Player: "Uh, what?"

Walrus: "Sack full of babies. Bring me a sack full of babies. Like, a dozen."

Player: "I don't know how comfortable I feel doing this."

Walrus: "By the way, the guys we don't like are dog guys, so the babies you're stuffing in a sack are also puppies."

Player: "Seriously?"

Walrus: "Yeah. We're planning for the future. We're raising them to be seeing-eye babies for blind walruses. It's totally charitable."

Player: "But I don't see any of them running around Walrus-town."

Walrus: "Dude. Don't worry. We're totally not going to eat the babies. Do I look like a guy who would eat a baby?"

Player: "I didn't say anything about eating them."

Walrus: "Right. That is crazy-talk. But if you want to come back tomorrow around lunchtime and swipe us another sackful, that would be awesome."

Friday, September 11, 2009

I am a BG PvPer

Original Thread:

I've capped my honor and my marks, but don't worry, buddy, I am still here, standing in the road between Blacksmith and Gold Mine in Arathi Basin, fearlessly clutching my Titansteel Destroyer, and getting ready to bring the thunder. Don't worry, though. I won't Hamstring you as you run by on your mount. I don't even have Hamstring on my click bar, because it doesn't do any damage.

I am the hardcore BGer. When the other side holds every graveyard up to our relief hut in Alterac Valley, my friends and I will bellow our battle cries and defend the keep until the game ends in a resource victory. Did you know AV used to take DAYS to finish a match? It was GLORIOUS. If I could make it take days now, I totally would, because time has no meaning to me. It stops when I am charging into a crowd of enemy players to rack up my 24th death of the match.

Don't fuss at me that the gate is down in Isle of Conquest. I am engaged in epic battle in the quarry with a foolish warlock who was impudent enough to go AFK. My victory here was preordained, and the fact that the enemy has assaulted our keep will do little to diminish my glory when I triumphantly spam my /sit macro over his corpse.

I am a vessel of wrath and a deliverer of truth. I care not for Strand Demolishers, for I know the only honorable vehicle is a Wintergrasp Catapult. I need no honor and I scoff at marks. I can't buy anything anyway, because I will not duel in a box for gear. I should get gear for my deeds on the field of Battlegrounds, without having to prove anything to any arena scrubs.

The game has gotten worse, lately, for hardcore BGers like me. The reduced resources required for victory mean that I get less time in each battle to control the vital roads of Arathi Basin, or battle valiantly for the flag in Eye of the Storm. In Warsong Gulch, where flags matter less than in Eye, a new time limit has curtailed the joyful midfield heroics I love undertaking as the cowardly flag carriers hide in their bases.

But, despite these setbacks, I will persevere. As I've honed my skills, my teams have begun winning as many as one game in six, a vast improvement over prior performance. When other players see that I am on their side, they groan and mutter under their breath, because they know that, in this battle, their deeds will be overshadowed, for they walk with a titan (I specced into Titan's Grip, even though I don't have a second 2H yet).

They will never match my boldness. They will never match my ferocity. They will never match my dogged sense of purpose. I don't stop to gem my sockets. I don't stop to enchant my gear. I am a killing machine with only one setting, and that setting is kill.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tirion's Call Is Going Straight To Voice Mail

Original Thread Here:

Please Check out the CollegeHumor article as well:

The power of the Lich King is nearing its peak. If the living cannot align against him, all hope will be lost, and the Scourge will destroy all that is pure in Azeroth.

With precious time running short, Tirion Fordring, the leader of the Argent Crusade, sounds the call, to muster the forces of Light to Northrend, to join the Crusade in its final battle at the base of the foreboding Icecrown Citadel.

But not everyone will answer:

Hi. You've reached Lord Genn Greymane. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now. Things have been a little hairy around here lately.

If you are calling with regard to any solicitation, there is a reason we built that huge wall, but you may want to visit us in person during the full moon. We're usually available in the evenings. Around dinnertime.

If your call is related to our participation in the Alliance, we may be able to discuss the matter "soon." Otherwise, please leave a message.


High. You've reached Khadgar. I can't come to the phone right now, because I am really busy in Shattrath. Doing stuff. Important stuff. Lot's of irons in the fire. Seriously. Leave one, and I'll hit you back.


Hi. You've reached the Hydraxian Waterlords, your one-stop shop for all your rune dousing needs.

Here at the Hydraxian Waterlords, we are fully capable of wielding the inconceivable power of Neptulon the Tidehunter. But we choose to devote our attention to runes and dousing them, so you can enjoy the best in Aqual Quintessence. When you need runes doused, just tell your raid to wait while you fly out to Azshara.

For all inquiries regarding rune-dousing, please use our new automated support system. To continue in Darnassian, please press 1.


Kind greetings and salutations. You have reached the University of Ogri'La. If you are calling to inquire about our search for new faculty to lead our graduate program in advanced apexis crystal chemistry, please send your curriculum vitae and any relevant publications to Professor Grok, who is leading our search.

If you are calling with regard to "The Blade's Edge," our literary magazine, unfortunately, we're closed for submissions for the Fall issue. We thank all our contributors, and we urge everyone who didn't make it this time to resubmit for the Winter quarter.

If you are calling about Northrend, or any activities going on up there, WE NO UNDERSTAND. STINKY FART. HA HA. SMASH WITH CLUB.


Shiver Me Timbers! Ye've reached the Bloodsail Buccaneers!

For YARRRRR, please press 1.

For ARRRRRR, please press 2.

For WALK TEH PLANK, please press 3.

For anything else, please call back during normal business hours.


Monday, August 10, 2009

Free Epics for Casuals

I have gotten really bored with hearing this. People are always whining about how Heroics shouldn't drop epics, badges shouldn't drop epics, PVP shouldn't sell epics, regular ToC shouldn't have epics.

This is completely infantile, because the idea of item quality has been completely meaningless for all purposes except determining vendor price and what an item will disenchant into.

The stat budget for an item is determined by item quality and item level. In the original design, the item level determined the character level that could use different items, and the plan was for each successive tier of raid loot to scale up by a degree of item quality.

But even before release, Blizzard decided to make all raid loot purple "epic" quality, and scale using the ilvl modifier rather than the item quality modifier.

There were some experiments with scaling the blues up higher in ZG and AQ 20, but once some blues were better than some epics, people got really confused, and Blizzard stopped doing it.

In the current system, there is a flat cap at ilvl 200, and there are no blue items above it. Blue items similarly capped at 115 in BC. There is no upgrade from a heroic/max level blue other than an epic, and designing things any other way makes itemization unnecessarily confusing.

However, each tier of epic upgrades improves the epic gear of the people who are on the cutting edge of content by a margin that is roughly equivalent to the difference between a heroic blue item and an entry level (Heroic/Regular TOC/Naxx 10) epic. The purple text is completely meaningless; the gap between somebody in heroic blues and somebody in BIS gear prior to the ulduar release is much smaller than the gap between somebody wearing ilvl 200 epics and somebody who is geared from regular mode Coliseum 25.

All these free "epic" loots merely signify an additional tier of progression for players who don't commit to the game beyond what is necessary to do 5 man instances. And this stuff is still an unprecedented 4 tiers below the cutting edge.

The Heroic TOC and badge loot also gives new players a shortcut into current tiers of content, which is crucial, because very few people were doing heroics and 10 man naxx before the badge change. It's logistically unfeasible to demand that new players gear up in content that nobody is using.

It is totally absurd to suggest that giving low-end players "epics" somehow cheapens anything (except maybe abyss shards, which were inflated in value relative to predecessor items).

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Call of the Crusade: The Musical

Original Post Here:

Scene: The Recently completed ARGENT COLISEUM. HARDCORE enters from stage right. He is resplendent in Tier 8.5 and hard mode epics. CASUAL enters from stage left. He is wearing mostly blues and two pieces of Hateful Gladiator PVP gear; he carries a Titansteel Destroyer, dragging it behind him as though it is very heavy. They regard each other contemptuously, then they both look ruefully toward the COLISEUM, and then back to each other.

Hardcore: I hate you.

Casual: And I hate you.

Both: And both of us hate Three-point-two!

Hardcore: What the hell is this Crusade?

Casual: We don't need another raid!

Hardcore: Four timers a week for the same content? This grind is without precedent!

Casual: Exalted rep for daily quests? Why such demands? This game's a mess!

Both: This is the worst patch that we've seen yet! I can't believe that they nerfed Ret. Please revert the game to one-point-eight, because you've added all this stuff we hate!

Hardcore: Free Conquest epics from heroics mock the work that I have done.

Casual: His weapon's much better than mine, so I'm not having any fun.

Hardcore: But you don't need good gear anyway.

Casual: I'm owed rewards for all I play.

Hardcore: You can't be playing all that much.

Casual: Six hours a day; odd times, and such.

Hardcore: PUG groups clear Naxx, haven't you heard?

Casual: No time to raid, you silly nerd.

Both: This is the worst patch we've ever had. King Varian Wrynn is a deadbeat dad. This game was best before B.C. It will just get worse in Three-point-three!

Casual: I own the place in Battlegrounds. We sometimes win when I'm around. You're only in the Gulch to grind; you let them win when we're a cap behind. Now it's over all too fast. I really like my games to last.

Hardcore: What's the deal with all your hating? What is your arena rating?

Casual: Arena doesn't measure skills. Look at all my honor kills.

Hardcore: I wiped and wiped on Malygos, and hard-mode Sarth with every drake. His gear's as good from Violet Hold, that place is such a piece of cake. My guild and I, we work and struggle, 'til we persevere at last. And now you give him epic loot, though he won't learn to play his class.

Casual: What does it matter what I've got? You seem to care an awful lot.

Hardcore: I've got a right to two-shot you. My God, I hate this Three-Point-Two.

(They /dance)


Druids: This is the worst patch we can recall. We do not like our new art at all. We want to have the old art back. We look so dumb when we attack.

All: This is the worst patch we've ever had. Even Ahn'Qiraj was not this bad. We need unique art for each class set. And we need more buffs for Ret.

Hardcore: Buffs for Ret!

Druids: And Moonkins too!

Casual: Buffs for Ret!

All: Yes we need more buffs for Ret!

(Pause for applause)


Thursday, July 9, 2009

Yankee Pot Roast

I've gotten a number of e-mails from my friends from the general forum, asking where I went and what I've been doing, and I will try to come up with some funny Argent Raid jokes when I've had time to see the encounters (Not one but two Jormungers!).

But due to the encouragement from the WoW community, I've been submitting essays to some of the online humor 'zines, and a very popular site called Yankee Pot Roast picked up one of my articles today.

It explores the recent resignation of Alaska governor Sarah Palin.

I would repaste it here for ya'll, but I don't think that would be appropriate since I've given them the article. But you can read it now, at http://www.yankeepot (OMG KEYLOGGER).

Monday, June 22, 2009

Free Gear Will Destroy WoW.

Original thread here:

All right.

Before we start this discussion, I just want to establish for the record that I am awesome.

I kill every boss before everyone else, and when I do, I get first pick of the loot because nobody is seriously going to try to say they deserve it more than me. You say 'hard mode'? I say 'not-hard-enough mode.' Why don't you learn to play?

I am on top of every meter, always. I have been sending weekly e-mails to Blizzard asking them to come out with new meters for me to do better than you on.

Check out my gear. You wish you had this gear. Your guy looks like a hobo. Like a hobo who smells like pee. You could not be any more pathetic. It's kind of like that you are caught in a rain shower, and you reach the point where you stop trying to stay out of the rain because you can't get any wetter. Except the rain is shame and humiliation.

On the other hand, my guy could be waving from the lead float in the pride parade. My stuff freaking sparkles.

Basically, I poop excellence, and I poop frequently.

Now that we've established that, I just want to say that I am outraged that the new emblem system will offer you a mechanism to crawl out of the pit of shame in which you dwell.

When I killed Malygos in January, I got an ilvl 226 necklace, and, when 3.2 goes live in late August or September, you will be able to get a necklace that is slightly worse from running Heroic Violet Hold. In what universe is that fair?

On top of this indignity, you will be able to get two pieces of tier 8, possibly during a period when I will still be using the same equipment. Why should you have that? You will probably gem it for strength. On your mage. Or just leave the socket empty for six months. I don't even think I want to play a game where you have two pieces of gear that are as good as mine.

How can Blizzard even think of providing raid quality gear for badges obtainable in heroics? Nothing like this has ever happened, except the time they nerfed Ragnaros, and the time they added a bunch of fire resist gear to the dark-iron rep to make it easier to kill Ragnaros, and the time they removed the despawn timer from Vaelestrasz, and the time they nerfed Broodlord Lashlayer, and the time they nerfed Chromaggus, and the time they removed the despawn timer from Nefarian, and the time they removed the attunement from Karazhan, and the time they removed the attunements for Serpentshrine and Tempest Keep, and the time they removed the attunements for Black Temple and Mount Hyjal, and the time they put the epic gems that only dropped in end-level raids and raid-quality weapons and armor on the badge vendors on Sunwell Island, and they time they massively nerfed every boss in BC a month before the expansion, and the time they implemented major nerfs to every single boss in Ulduar.

But this is the last straw.

Whose idea was it? Was it Nancy Pelosi's? Seriously, I want to know. If anyone inside Blizzard can talk some sense into the dev team and stop the changes to the Emblem system, I will buy them two tickets to the Glen Beck comedy tour as a thank-you present. Just putting that out there.

Monday, June 15, 2009

A Raid Leader Previews the Isle of Conquest

Original thread here:

Okay, everybody, it's time to hit up Ulduar. We're going to be trying for Freya's hard mode tonight.

Not you, though, buddy. You've got a much more important task. Yep. You're needed on the Isle of Conquest.

That's right. While we're all raiding, you'll be going to an island somewhere off the shores of Northrend. A rock, hardly worth a second look.

No, wait. That's not what I meant.

It's a test of strength. A chance to prove your might, to crush your enemies, to make a difference, a chance for endless glory and conquest, while everyone else is in Ulduar.

You don't need the petty trappings of lesser players, like loot and achievements and iron proto-drakes. You're too great a player to be distracted by such foolish trifles. No. You keep your eye on the big picture, and the big picture is a picture of you, standing victorious atop whatever people stand atop on the Isle of Conquest, while the rest of us go to Ulduar.

Which strategic location will you capture for your advantage? Will it be the cobalt mine? The airship hangar? the oil derrick? The docks? We really don't care, because we're going to raid. But whatever you do out there, it will be written in legends that none of us will read.

Don't get me wrong. We'll miss you in Ulduar, especially the druids. Without you there, they won't know who to battle res. And the tanks have learned so much about their threat generation deficiencies from the way you rip aggro off of them with your epic spike damage immediately after the pull.

You're not just the kind of player who brings top-notch performance; you elevate the rest of us. And I mean that, dude. But we're going to soldier on without you, because whatever is going on out on Isle of Conquest is really, really important.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Here's a book I wrote about how dumb you are

This is a real achievement. People actually do this. Okay. I did it. But I sort of just ran by the book spawns when I was in town. I didn't camp them. Took me months. Whoever came up with this idea is an evil, evil person.

The original thread is here:

EDIT: Thread deleted. I think it was the title, so I reposted, here:

From the Desk of Rhonin

Dear Idiot,

I am writing in regard to your recent completion of the "Higher Learning" achievement. Wow. I can't believe you actually did that. We just put that in there as a joke. We didn't think anybody would be dumb enough to actually do what you have done.

I am seriously laughing right now with my hot elf wife about what a total, unmitigated putz you are. We're going to still be laughing about it later, even as we are athletically getting busy, Hogger-style on a bearskin rug. Enjoy the image of me laughing at you while just going totally wild on a beautiful elf-chick.

I mean, partially, I will be laughing because my life is so great. But mostly, I'll be laughing at you. Have you ever touched a girl? Seriously? Did you get arrested for it?

Okay, you look confused. I know that you look confused, even though I am writing this hours before you are reading it, because I am super-awesome and can travel through time, so before I wrote this letter, I traveled to the future and watched how dumb you looked reading your mail, and now I am laughing about that too.

Here's what I did. I invented magic books that appear out of thin air in eight random places, and then created an achievement rewarding you for finding them. But then I made a bunch of other books that can appear and disappear in the same place, instead of the book people want to read for the achievement. So, basically, each book is on the shelf for an average of three minutes every twenty-four hours.

What is so funny is that I know you got the achievement by sitting there, staring at a bookshelf, for hours on end, waiting for a book to magically appear. And when it finally did, it wasn't the right one. That Conjuration book spawns right next to the place where I hang out, so I watched you spend your Saturday night last week staring at that bookshelf for three hours, and then a copy of "Khadgar's Journal" spawned.

But I am glad you've finally done it. So I am enclosing the epic saga, "The Schools of Arcane Magic: Mastery." It's about a holy man who takes an oath celibacy, and dedicates his life to staring at bookshelves. I consider it a satire. I was going to rig it to disappear in three minutes, which would have been kind of awesome, but I actually feel just a little bit sorry for you, so I am going to let you keep it. I hope you enjoy it.

Actually, I did put a little enchantment on it. It will teleport you to Archmage Vargoth's quarters in the spires of Dalaran. That's not a joke on you. It's a joke on him. He loves having really stupid guys appear out of nowhere in his bedroom. Tell him I said to conjure a little elemental that will follow you around pointing and laughing. You're probably dumb enough to think that's a reward, rather than a punishment.

Also, go ahead and spam the achievement in trade chat a few times. I already know you did it, because I was there, in the future. Look how impressed everyone is. This is why I invented the /golfclap.

Rhonin, out.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Classified Ads from the Dalaran Daily News

Original Thread Here:

DOCTOR NEEDED: The free-spirited daughter of a prominent family has gotten herself into a disturbing and unfortunate situation. We are seeking a physician who can fix this problem. Discretion in this matter is greatly appreciated. Please inquire at the Ironforge throne room.

HELP WANTED: I fell in love with him because he's very tall and good with animals, but lately I retch at just the thought of those ginger... well, long story short, I need the services of a skilled assassin, or, at least, a good divorce lawyer. Leave a message for V. Windrunner at the Ledgerdemain Lounge, and I will be in touch.  

ENGINEER/CONTRACTOR NEEDED: Looking for someone who can assess the feasibility of removing four large and extremely inconvenient pillars from my room. They've really been a nuisance for me. Send all inquiries to Talon King Ikiss at Sethekk Halls.  

LOOKING FOR COMPANIONSHIP: I am not what some people would consider conventionally attractive, but I have a big heart and a lovely sense of humor, and I am also princess of my own underground kingdom. Appearance does not matter; I am so very lonely. Please visit me at Mauradon.  

Achingly, Theradras  

SINGLE BLACK DRAGON, LOOKING FOR TRUE LOVE: I am Nefarian, scion of the Black Dragonflight. But you can just call me Vic. I'm suave, sexy, and I have a fabulous penthouse apartment at Blackrock Mountain with a spectacular terrace.  

In the past, I've been a bit of a cad. Women meant nothing to me. Less than nothing. But lately, I've realized that the grand game of life I thought I was playing was, in fact, playing me. So I'm looking for something a little more serious. I'd like to meet an intelligent and attractive lady who shares my interest in breeding an invincible race of chromatic dragons. Also, I hope you like dogs, because I've got a big one.  

If you think you're right for me, let's get together and make that beautiful mistake that all mortals make. Let the games begin!  

LOSE WEIGHT! HAVE MORE ENERGY! RESTORE YOUR SEXUAL VITALITY! Night Elf healers have long known about the miraculous properties of Morrowgrain. However, this rare herb, which only grows in the rich volcanic soil of the Un'Goro Crater, has always been too scarce for anyone to distribute widely across Azeroth.  

Recently, however, the Arch-Druid Fandral Staghelm has developed a new plan for obtaining Morrowgrain in unprecedented volumes, and we can now make this miracle drug available to you at a very reasonable price. Jenal in Darnassus has the hook-up. You can usually find him hanging out in an alley in the Cenarion Enclave.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Ragnaros is conducting layoffs.

Original thread here:

Majordomo Executus: "Hello. You can come in here and have a seat."  

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Thanks."  

Majordomo Executus: "I'm not sure if you've met Golemagg the Incinerator before. He's from HR."  

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Hi."  

Golemagg: "Good afternoon."  

Scarshield Spellbinder: "So, guys, what is this meeting about?"  

Majordomo Executus: "Well, as you may know, our firm, like any other business, is facing difficulties during these tumultuous and unprecedented economic circumstances. Compounding these general difficulties is the perception that our operation here has been superseded by so-called higher tiers of content. Accordingly, we are conducting a top-to-bottom review of our finances to assess any redundancies which may exist, so that we can continue to compete in this difficult marketplace and provide the Firelord with the same peerless service he's come to expect."  

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Uh, I'm completely on board with your quality service initiatives, and you'll see I've been working enthusiastically for the company for more than five years."

Golemagg: "Uh huh. And how many raids have you wiped in the last six months?"  

Scarshield Spellbinder: "I am not sure I could tell you, off the top of my head."  

Golemagg: "Ballpark figure. Best guess."  

Scarshield Spellbinder: "I don't know. Not a lot."

Majordomo Executus: "Unfortunately, that's what we're here today to discuss."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Well, I mean, we're a low-level pack at the front of the instance. There's really not a lot more that we can do than what we're doing."

Golemagg: "So, surely you can understand that as we retrench, we're looking to cut unnecessary trash mobs from our payroll."

Majordomo Executus: "Remember, we don't call them trash mobs. They're interesting content that doesn't drop loot."

Golemagg: "Well, what we're trying get at is that you're not interesting enough for us to keep you on."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "I don't understand. I'm part of the classic Blackrock Spire team. How can you be cutting me after five years of dedicated service."

Golemagg: "Well let's talk about that. I've got your performance evaluations here."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "They've been nothing but positive."

Golemagg: "Tell me about all these times you were mind-controlled by players."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "So I'm susceptible to mind control. I'm only an orc, like any other."

Golemagg: "Under skills here, it mentions a buff called 'Resist Fire.' Tell me about that."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "It does exactly what the tooltip says. As of patch 2.1, it no longer works on targets above level 63."

Majordomo Executus: "Surely you understand how your susceptibility to mind control and your 'Resist Fire' ability have been inconvenient for the organization over the years."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Majordomo, I'm not sure that's fair. This is really old stuff you're bringing up."

Majordomo Executus: "We are aware of this, but cuts have to come from somewhere. We're really sorry this had to happen, but it is, unfortunately, quite necessary. We do thank you for your years of service."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "So what happens now."

Golemagg: "Your employment is terminated, as of five o-clock today. We are offering a severence package for our former employees that I think you'll find quite fair. We are committed to taking care of you."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Uh, where do I go to get this severance?"

Golemagg: "You can pick it up at the window directly behind me."

Next Warcraft Story

Will be online and on the World Of Warcraft general forum in the next day or two.

It will relate to Nefarian, the final boss of the classic raid Blackwing Lair.

Lord Kazaak and his propensity for being kited to Stormwind (when he used to spawn in Blasted Lands) may also become a subject for discussion.

Please feel free to suggest other monsters you think deserve special attention

Kologarn is going to stop your raid

Meet Kologarn.  He is very large.

The original thread on the subject can be found here:

Yogg-Saron: Okay, so this whole plan is going pretty well. I've gunked up a tree in Grizzly Hills, I've enslaved the Keepers of Ulduar, and I've set up an impassable ravine between my inner sanctum and the outside world, so nobody can get in to stop me. 


Yogg-Saron: Seriously not necessary, K-Garn. I've got that whole thing under control. Check out the map. It says that's "The Shattered Walkway." It used to just be "The Walkway." Until I shattered it. No walkway, no progress. Pure effin' genius. 


Yogg-Saron: No, dude. You don't need to go there at all. You can pretty much just take the week off. Maybe meet some ladies. I can't even remember the last time you hooked up. 


Yogg-Saron: Well, that's the point of a huge ravine. So I don't really need your help. 


Yogg-Saron: Yeah, but the tauren can't get over the ravine anyway. And it will be extra funny, because they could totally get over the ravine if they could use their flying mounts, but flying mounts are disabled in Ulduar. That will make them crazy. See, that's what I do. 


Yogg-Saron: Okay, I guess if you really want a crack at them. But it's fine with me if you just want to knock off. What's your hard mode? 

Kologarn: HARD MODE? 

Yogg-Saron: Can you, like, buff yourself to do double damage, or have twice as much health or something? 

Kologarn: I AM VERY LARGE. 

Yogg-Saron: Fair enough. Go hang out there. I guess, even if they beat you, I've still got my bases covered with the whole shattering-the-walkw
ay plan. 


"I am Instructor Razuvious. Welcome to Class."

Original thread is here; begun 1-05-09

Good morning, Understudies. I am Instructor Razuvious, and, for the rest of the semester, I am your master. 

You are delivered to me, soft as newly hatched doves. I will turn you into stone. Under my tutelage, you will become unflinching enforcers of the will of the Lich King. 

My strength and ferocity are famous throughout Azeroth and Northrend. Even the most robust of foes are cleaved in twain by my mighty blade. None can withstand my attacks! My enemies are cut down like wheat. 

Over the next few months, you, my select few Understudies, will be trained to endure the withering sting of my blade. You, and you alone will be strong enough to hold your ground against the unstoppable onslaught of Razuvious. 

I shall... Yes, do I see a hand in the back? Do you have a question? 

Hmm... No. I can't imagine any possible situation in which training my understudies to stand up to my mighty attacks could possibly lead to ironic or detrimental consequences for me. I mean, how would that ever happen? 

What? Well, I don't think any of my Understudies would ever be so disloyal and foolhardy as to turn against me, but if one ever did, I would dispatch him according to the "Standard Rules of Raid Boss Engagement." I would focus unwaveringly on stomping that backstabbing worm under the heel of my boot, while ignoring any other foes who may be in the general vicinity. 

Unless, of course, there was another traitor nearby, with the impunity to taunt me while I was giving his friend a lesson in manners. Then I would turn my attentions forthwith to the interloper. 

Oh, you think that's a bad strategy, do you? Well, Smart Guy, what would you do? Oh, you think I should go after the guy in the dress? Well, if that's such a good idea, how come nobody ever thought of it before? You don't have an answer to that, do you? Well, that's why you are the mere Understudy and I am Instructor Razuvious! 

Now, if nobody else has any more questions, we can begin our lessons. The training area is right over there. Next to the mind-control orbs. 

What's that? No, I think that's a great place to put them.

The Walrus Post

Here's one I wrote in November related to a daily quest in Dragonblight that players do to earn rep with the Kalu'ak faction.  Thanks to Spoggerific for copying the text onto Wowhead.  The World of Warcraft forums lost the thread, which was located here, and contained a funny parody of Lewis Carroll's poem  "The Walrus and the Carpente," and some animated speculation about just what the Kalu'ak are actually doing with the little Wolvar. 

If anyone has the full thread, please send me a link.

Here is the text:

Elder Walrus: "Hi. I'm a walrus. We're the good guys. I promise."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "There are some guys we don't like. Their village is up on that hill."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "So I've got this sack right here."

Player: "I see."

Walrus: "What you are going to do is take this sack over to their village and fill it with their babies. As many babies as you can steal, just go ahead and stuff them in this sack."

Player: "Uh, what?"

Walrus: "Sack full of babies. Bring me a sack full of babies. Like, a dozen."

Player: "Are you sure you don't want me to just bring back their poop?"

Walrus: "By the way, the guys we don't like are dog guys, so the babies you're stuffing in a sack are also puppies."

Player: "Seriously?"

Walrus: "Yeah. Don't worry. We're totally not going to eat the babies. But if you want to come back tomorrow and swipe us another sackful, that would be awesome."

The long lost poop post

At some point around the time of the Wrath of the Lich King launch, I wrote a post on General titled "Poo" that contained a discussion of feces-themed quests in World of Warcraft.

The thread initially existed here and it contained the word "buffalocerous," describing the Clefthoof monsters that roam Nagrand.

If anybody has an archive of this post, or its text saved somewhere, please send it to me or put it in a comment.

Bigger Than Kologarn

Hi, I'm Crawford; I play a Warlock on the Gorefiend US World of Warcraft server.

I have written several posts that have been fairly popular on the World of Warcraft general forum.

Several of my posts and threads have been lost; the official Warcraft forum moves very fast and Blizzards website seems to archive some threads, but not all.

For those who are wondering, I consider my Warcraft posts parodies or jokes rather than RP or Fanfic.  I am not planning to write longer-form stories related to WoW, and my longer form project is unrelated to games and is progressing slowly, since I work a demanding job and I have an inconvenient gaming habit.