Secretly Disabled WoW Player (Hates You)

Want to know a secret? I haven't got any hands. A few of my guild's officers know about this, and they have been very open-minded and accepting. In general, though, I don't like to tell people about it because I don't want to be judged.

Specifically, I don't want to hear obnoxious, bigoted wisecracks about rolling my face against the keys, especially from all the jerks who have ten perfectly-functioning fingers and still can't manage to strafe out of the way of a slow-moving fireball.

For the record, I do not play with my face. I've got a special keyboard I can use with my wrist-stumps, and an elaborate set of keybinds and macros that I perfected over hundreds of hours of careful testing. So when you refuse to turn on Ventrilo during a progression raid because you are too busy watching Dane Cook DVDs to pay attention to the fights, I just want you to know how profoundly disgusted I am with you.

This is not a hard game. Do you want to know how I know this? Because I can play it. I approach pretty much everything with the attitude that I don't have limitations. I drive, I enjoy French cooking, and I logged a hundred hours last year in a Piper Cub aircraft. But, although I've tried every kind of prosthetic available, I have to accept the fact that I am never going to be scoring crazy headshots in Call of Duty or clearing God of War. There is simply no device on the market that can enable me to hold a console controller and press those little buttons.

I can play WoW, though. So the question is: why can't you?

How can you sit there, with your undamaged digits and grasping thumbs, and whine so much? Did you seriously come to the forums to talk about how heroics are hard? I'll tell you what's hard: going to a job interview where the people refuse to look you in the eye.

Did you seriously complain that it's unfair that you don't get a "Satchel of Exotic Mysteries" because you only play a hunter? It's unfair that you don't get a GOODY BAG for playing a VIDEO GAME with your UNDAMAGED HANDS? Do you want me to tell you about unfair? I'm not even going to rise to that bait.

Here's a tip: the reason you die to Magmaw isn't that Magmaw is too hard. You die to Magmaw because you keep standing in the Pillar of Flame. Maybe you should consider not doing that. The universe is not a hostile force aligned against you. You manage to fail despite countless luxuries and advantages that you take entirely for granted.

Guess how many corrupting crashes I stood in during the last Cho'Gall kill? Zero. Why do you always have a tentacle sticking out of your back after the second big minion? Don't you dare say you had bad luck with the worshipping. I know that's a lie, because that's what you said last time, after you wiped us by puking on the raid halfway through phase one. I set you to focus just to make sure you got immediate interrupts when you were hit with worship, and you only got it once.

What do you mean what is a focus? Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS?